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Friday, October 31, 2008

WVU, Pat White, The Big East (and brown paper packages tied up with string)

...these are a few of my favorite things.

This will be a quick post; heading to start pregame in about 30 minutes. So, after watching tape, and more tape, and more tape, everything I thought previously is true. White and Devine can score at anytime. Literally, anytime (even yesterday, when you thought scoring time was over). That and I don't know where they recruit these guys, but Devine goes down last game and their freshman promptly rips off a 40-yard run down the sideline, as if to say, "Yeah, that just happened." Don't expect WVU dominance in the Big East to stop any time soon (take that Dick Rod!). But speaking of the Big East, the word in the media is that it's a "down year" and that we are "Glorified Mid-Majors."

To that, what do I say? We have teams in the Top 25, a Syracuse program in need of some serious help, and teams up and down the East Coast that are in the mix to pull top recruits every year (yes, even you, Rutgers). College football is a funny game (funny how? like ha-ha funny?....).

Traditional powers have their traditions and their alumni support, and their deep recruiting networks, but even storied programs can fall and rise ([cough Army cough Cuse cough]).

And others can come out of nowhere (enter Boise and Smurf Turf stage right). For someone to dismiss an entire conference for no apparent reason is not only stupid, it's journalistically irresponsible (yeah, like we preach responsibility here at TFWG). The truth is that sports-media outlets want to run stories on what is comfortable, what is usually guaranteed (when all it is, is a guaranteed piece of sh*t). People don't like anyone undermining the so called "natural order" of things. But the reality of college football is that parity is good and as recruiting and coaching get better (at every level) you'll see more of it. Every team is vulnerable every week and there is no such thing as a guarantee (here's looking at you, App State).

WVU v. UConn 12pm @ The 'Rent.


Got plugged at
Very cool.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

West Virginia (Pat White and the Gang Come to Town)

Hey, Mountain Mama- Hit play and read the post

(sorry, I had to)

So it's West Virginia week. No we aren't traveling to the land of Slack-Jawed-Yokells (and you thought I was rough on Jersey?). WVU is coming to our house. Let's break it down:

West Virginia's offense is unparalleled in all the land. Quarterback (slash running back, slash super hero) Pat White makes the impossible seem possible. Behind him (or beside him) in that difficult to defend spread is running back Noelle Devine (gold frontz is back!). This year WVU has decided to incorporate White's arm into the mix ("it's not scrawny, it's nice..."). Who better to catch his balls than Jock Sanders (yes, his name is Jock). All three of these weapons can slash opposing defenses, add that to an experienced and talented offensive line and it is something truly special. What separates this group from squads past is that their big-play capability is an every-down threat. No other group in the country can make a mundane 3rd and 2 on their own 25 a scoring opportunity. We have a tremendous challenge ahead of us. This week it really comes down to being able to play assignment-perfect football.

Saying WVU's defense is unique is like saying superman was "gifted." The 3-3-5 is like a mid-season migraine for all offensive coordinators: seven previous weeks of Lombardi-esque basics and all of a sudden someone is rocking the boat. Scheme is scheme, but when a team can put athletes on the field as good as WVU's to execute, well, the task is just that much more challenging. What is the task you say? Well, for us (UConn) it is to be able to throw into that 5 deep coverage and being able to also effectively run the ball. Good thing we have a quarterback that can sling it, and a running back that is tops in the nation.


WVU kicker Pat McAfee is probably the best in college football. But I'd venture that our own "kick squad" could do some damage of their own on the field. I've been trying to sell this for years: "Kicker Board Drills" (basically the football practice equivalent of cage fighting). Put a bunch of kickers in the octagon and last man standing wins...the respect of his teammates.


Maybe my final thoughts are becoming a rip-off of Jim Rome's "Final Burn." But, I like to think that I am a lot less cynical (and I'm also a lot fatter than Romey).

I bet Rich Rodriguez---mind if i call you Dick Rod?---I bet Dick Rod would trade the bitter winters of Michigan for... the bitter winters of West Virginia right now. The football Gods are NOT happy with Dick Rod right now.

I've come to terms with using blog as a verb, blogger (the noun), even Blogosphere. How about Blogomy?

Blogomy: [blah-goh-mi] noun: The practice of having more than one favorite blog. Not being exclusive or loyal to one blogger.
Did you see that? He's bouncing from Thoughts From a Fat White Guy to SBnation, to BON, and back again. He's committing blogomy. (He's a blogomist.)"

(We see most cases of this in Utah.)

I've been to West Virginia. C'mon John Denver, almost heaven??? Yeah, almost. And I almost have all my hair.
"That John Denver was full of shit, man..."

Check back later,

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Cincy Loses...YOU WIN! (and we nickname Brian Kelly)

Ahhh, back to the good ol' days. Blogging after a win. Where do I start?

Sorry to get this out to you so late, trying to recover from my "Upper-Extremity" injury has left me a little weary and without free time to blog. (Alright, you called my bluff...a touch of laziness, too.)

But on to the game; let's break it down:

I'm wondering where all the haters of our offensive game plan are now? Especially Frank, who I now wish was called Fred, to fit certain pop culture references. (Fred? If you're real, Fred, you better tell me right now...) We dismantled Cincinnati's defense (even with their future-NFL-filled defensive line). They didn't have an answer ("No means no!") for our ground game, which opened up our passing game, which again they couldn't stop ("I said no, dammit!")

150 yards by Downtown Donny Brown (DDB). DDB is only one man; DDB has one dream. DDB may be in the running (Get it...running?) for the most humble running back of all time (sorry Travis Henry, you lose). It is only this blogger who implies that DDB might ever consider talking in the third person. DDB does not read this blog.

Cody Endres didn't turn the ball over once, even during an air assault so comprehensive I may use the phrase "carpet bombing." (Duck and cover, Cincinnati secondary! -- that actually might have been more effective.)

I've received a few emails asking why we didn't go for it on the goal line on 4th down. I can see both sides of this argument-- you get it, you go up by seven and kick off. If we didn't get it, we still had them pinned deep. It's the opinion of this blogger (first verb, now noun... I know, I'm getting myself in too deep) that we needed to kick that field goal, take the delay of game (time off the clock), improve the angle, and make it a two-possession game. But again, these calls aren't mine to make.

Our offense showed poise, even after getting skunked on the opening drive. That is the mark of a well-oiled, well-led team. Our offensive players are certainly not "front runners" and they do everything with "Juice." Whats "Juice," you say? Ask Coach Jon Wholley (he's single, ladieeeeees).


Well, I was wrong about their offensive line. I regarded Trevor Canfield as the heart of the O-line. Two reasons for this: First, on film he really seems to be the guy that is finishing plays and a term that most NFL scouts use is that he's always "showing up on the film." Secondly, after playing against him last year I personally thought he was one tough S.O.B. (in a good way). Kid must have got himself a girlfriend or a hobby (coin collecting, perhaps?) but he seems to have lost his mean-streak. It's always easier to make a mean man nice than a nice guy mean (you're just a big Teddy-Bear, aren't you?). Did I just refer to another grown man as a Teddy-Bear? Yes.

Our defensive ends (cough, Cody Brown, cough) had career days. I think that's a testament to coaching and game preparation (no more spinning, Julius). Not to mention Robert "Reggie" McClain with his two picks (one for six), and Jasper Howard with a pick as well (c'mon D-Butt, catch up!).

Solid play by our linebackers (Scott Lutrus handing out De-Cleaters like they are going out of style) and Lawrence Wilson upending quarterbacks (ouch!). That's some physical play and it is a reflection of how our defense plays as a whole. Speaking of reflections...

Cincinnati head coach Brian Kelly needs a nickname, something with street cred that will carry him through the blog-bashing I'm about to deliver. How about BK? Yeah, BK! ("Where you at BK?") So, BK says that a team is a reflection of their coach. He then proceeded to stroke his ego like a Swedish Masseuse ("ohhh Inga, easy on the lats"), saying they're hardworking and talented because he is. Joke's on you, BK. Because if that's true, then we're a reflection of our head coach, and I don't have enough hair to pull off that cut. (Sorry, Coach.)

UConn's defense was so stout, Cincinnati did not convert one third down. Not one. (Oh, and neither of those 4th down attempts, either). Bad BK, bad!

I almost forgot...
Dave Teggart. Phenomenal. I regret exposing your man-crush on me on the Huskies All-Access show (no I don't). Congrats on drilling 4 FG's, not to mention a 48 yarder into the wind. But don't think I am gonna let you get off that easy. It's time I exposed to everyone that you actually look like Joe Lo Truglio. Take a look:
(So, you guys on MySpace?)

Blocked punt in the first quarter: Bad. The way the defense stepped up and held Cincy to only three? Amazing.


Porkfully is actually becoming a word. How porkful.

Kevin Youkilis was at the game. (YOUUUUUUUUKKKK!!) They put him on the big screen and he promptly threw up the "U-C."

Dear Kevin,
You looked like a ridiculous goatee-ed member of the Village People acting in such a way. I wanna love you, Kevin, I do. I'm willing to believe that your "U-C" was meant for UConn and not your sub-par alma mater. All is forgiven if you win a World Series title in 2009 (and tell me you love me).
Scorned in Storrs

Maybe I should take back the slogan for Cincy ("Hey, at least we're not Rutgers!"). At this point, you might be wishing you were like our blowout-friendly fans on the shore. (God help me.)

Pat White and the gang are coming to the 'Rent this weekend. Should be a lovely reunion. I don't need to sell you on how important or good this game will be. Tune in.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

A Slow Week...Means More Fun for You

Not much to write about as far as UConn v. Cincinnati.
Keys to this game (as far as UConn is concerned) will be running and stopping the run. People have been speculating about the health of Zach Frazer. Let me say this, where he is now is far better than where he was. Where was he you ask? (I'll be asking the questions here, sir...) After the Rutgers game, not even Zach knew.

Other utterances in the post-game havoc?

"Did I throw a pick?"
"Did we win?"
"Where's Rob Lunn, I wanna give him a back rub."
(The answers to said questions? No, No, and "A little easier on the shoulders next time, Champ.")

So with Zach's relative wellbeing assured, fans of UConn football are probably asking, "Are we gonna air it out? Or will it be good ol' three yards and a cloud of dust?" With either Cody Endres or Zach in the game the threat of accurate passing is a very real one. But like the previous post, Cinci's pass rush is nothing to take lightly; I'd argue it's one of the best in all of college football.

I think that's it for now.

Oh, what the hell, time for...

Some Final Thoughts:

I'm contemplating writing a strongly worded letter to the pork industry. How would it go? Dear Pork Industry, Delicious. Baked, barbecued, broiled...friiiiied? They all please me equally. With such consistent performance, my stomach thanks you (and my arteries hate you). Love always, and porkfully yours, FWG

Did Lou Holtz really compare Rich Rodriguez to Hitler? C'mon Lou, you're making this almost too easy for me.

FWG has already ordered his Halloween costume. Being bald limits your options considerably (don't judge me). It's either cue ball, Judge Mills-Lane, or anyone 65 years of age or older. We'll see.

UConn has a planetarium. I've never been, but I hear it's real nice. (If you've been, please contact me,

If your girlfriend ever tells you she is comfortable with you farting in front of her... approach this situation with caution (extreme caution if you are 285lbs+). Let's chalk it up to me taking one for the "team." Don't do it. It will only end badly ("the type of fart that could end a marriage...").

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Bring on the 'Nati...

Before I address this week's coming game, Cincinnati, please let me first issue an apology for not getting this post up sooner. I know you were all bursting at the seams with anticipation (no you weren't).

So, Cincinnati. This summer, observing the mess that Ben Mauk was creating in Ohio (more appeals than O.J. Simpson) trying to get his eligibility restored for some time-warp he observed in his transfer from Wake Forest (didn't he know only Jason White can play for 7 years?), I figured Cinci would be a mess, rotted from the inside out by distractions and lack of leadership.

I was wrong.
Let's break it down:


After 6 games, they've suffered only one loss, to a very stout Oklahoma team. They've also managed to overcome a quarterback position that has seen more change than Barack's campaign policy (heyyy--ohhhh!). This week 6'5" gunslinger Tony Pike returns, after having suffered a broken left arm playing Akron (well done, Zips). Despite apparently interchangeable quarterbacks, the Bearcats have managed to consistently perform. This is for two reasons:
1) They don't "beat themselves" (well maybe they do, but that's a personal issue). They execute soundly in all phases.
2) They have a veteran offensive line. Led by strong and athletic (and handsome!) Chris Cantfield. He shows up on film as probably the heart of an experienced and talented O-line.
But before I go giving any offense too much credit, I have to say their defense is incredibly talented too.


Conner Barwin should probably be the focus of this post. Who is Conner Barwin, you say? Well, he's the envy of this FWG. So athletic that the kid has caught touchdowns at TE, blocked punts, and played 18 games on the UC basketball team in '05 (all the free Jordans you could ever want...). Beside his expanding shoe collection, he's also leading the Big East in sacks this year. He will provide a tremendous challenge for our offensive line (get your minds right, Mike Hicks and Will Beatty). But it is the opinion of this blogger that there is no one in the country the UConn offense can't block (except for me).

Another force on their D-line is Terill Byrd (I only fly away?). Pre-season All-America, All-Big East, and a host of other accolades. He's a player, so stay tuned.

That's all for now, I'll check in later (I promise) with more. But before I sign off...

Some Final Thoughts:

I received an e-mail asking if I hated Cincinnati. I mean, they're not Rutgers, so the answer is "No." Actually, feel free to use that as your recruiting slogan: Cincinnati: Hey, at least we're not Rutgers.

I have already addressed how I feel about homecoming. Yes, this is our homecoming. No, it doesn't mean we scheduled Cinci because we think they are an easy win and want to please students and alumni (and donors, wink-wink). It's simply the next game on our schedule, meaning it's the most important one.

Not often do I talk about our coaching staff (aside from Coach Edsall's self-cutting hair). But today at the end of practice (and I know my teammates will agree), Coach reminded me why I signed at UConn and what it means to be a UConn football player, beyond the gridiron. Having played for UConn I will always have my "forever friendships" and carry a set of values that have become an inherent part of the man I am. These values include putting family above all else. So thank you, Coach, for reminding me of just how far we've come and for being a shining example of these things in our lives.

Lastly, make sure you sign the petition to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer.

Living in the Past...

Someone emailed this to me today. Prior to Rutgers week. Thought I'd throw it up there for the die-hards.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

FWG for a Good Cause

I am the last person to shamelessly plug products or people (sorry Dad). Something was brought to my attention today that I think needs mentioning and more importantly, needs your help. So often as college football players we are unable to address social issues or important causes. I have been afforded the opportunity to reach people on a medium that individuals seem to respond to. Childhood cancer robs children of their innocence every year:

1 in 300 children will be diagnosed with cancer before age 20.
Each year 3,000 children die and 40,000 remain in treatment.
Please help cure Childhood Cancer.

Please add your signature to this petition:

The objective of this site is to raise awareness of the problem and show how special these kids are. The goal is to reach 1,000,000 signatures, do your part. It will only take a minute.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Beating Yourself...(no, not like that)

We lost. And it hurt. There's something about giving your best effort and coming up short that drains you. It's the truest sense of not measuring up. You are found wanting, feeling almost inadequate. Every loss hurts, and I've been fortunate that in my time as a starter there have been very few, but losing to the boys across the river, well, that hurts just a little more. Did I just insinuate that Rutgers-UConn is a rivalry? You betcha. We don't like them, they don't like us. Bottom line.

Perhaps as the final seconds ticked off the game clock, the entire state of New Jersey simultaneously rejoiced, saying, "Take that FWG. Rutgers wins!" Well, there's a problem with this theory. At 30,000 hits, this blog could not nearly have entertained even a fraction of NJ's population. Then again there are not enough Springsteen and 'Jovi cover (excuse me, "tribute") bands to entertain all of Jersey, so I don't feel too bad. (Actually, I don't feel bad at all.)

That being said, maybe I should actually make an attempt to talk about the loss to Rutgers. A lot of media types and casual fans have been getting on Coach Edsall about the play calling. I need to remind people that after the Temple and Baylor games the plays were called into question and then after the Virginia game people were singing the praises of our "genius coordinator and head coach." Well, I'll tell you what's changed-- absolutely nothing. The play calling is based on game conditions and opponent tendencies.

So that brings us to Rutgers. I normally don't like taking anything away from teams, but (I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin...) we are a much better team than we showed Saturday afternoon. We left a lot of points on the field (driving and only coming away with 3 when we should have had 21). That is the heart of the matter. Doing things like that, we beat ourselves. Statistically speaking, we were more than sound in the running game (Downtown Donny Brown for Heisman), and the passing game was on point (well done, Zach Frazer). In fact we out gained Rutgers in both, and won the time of possession. But, I am the first to say there is only one statistic that matters: Won and Lost. Points on the board. Scoring more and giving up less. [Other overused sports cliche.]

We gave Mike Teel too much time in the pocket (when he was on the field, not being booed off. What was up with that?) and we made uncharacteristic drops in the secondary. I've watched the tape (three times now) and it's like a movie and you just can't change the ending ("Go outside, and tie the yearling to the tree..."). Everything says we'll win and we don't. I guess we should start believing, 'cause it's one bad dream I won't wake up from.

I didn't have a humor contingency plan ( the event of a loss, a New Jersey joke will drop from the overhead compartment). It's a lot easier to make jokes when you're winning and they don't seem as filled with bitterness and hate. (They are. You'll see...)

So as of the end of this blog post, I will officially be done with talking about Rutgers and we (the proverbial "we," the royal "we") will only focus on Cincinnati and the threat they bring to the table. But until then...

Some Final Thoughts:

Fall foliage tour? NO! New name for this: "leaf-peeping." And the bus ride from CT to NJ? I imagine it's some version of Leaf-Peeping Heaven. Or if you're bothered by this sort of thing (which I'm sure you are) the bus ride is like a slow-motion sick ride through a bright yellow and burnt orange hell. Whichever analogy works.

We watched "The Program" on the bus ride there. I would have been fine with a nice romantic comedy (27 Dresses, anyone?). Kidding. Sort of. I hereby designate this movie, MEATHEAD-MOVIE OF THE MONTH. Steroids? College Football? Overacting? Yes, Yes, and Yes. Never mind I literally lived by this movie in high school (senior football nickname = Lattimer).Maybe not the most honest portrayal of the life of a college football player (no, I've never jumped my motorcycle or painted my face like a skeleton).
But who could resist offensive linemen named "Bud-light Kazinsky" or defensive play calling like "Razor-Bearclaw-stinger...kill 'em all, let the paramedics sort 'em out"?

Fans wanna say that it's a sign of disrespect when we schedule teams for homecoming. Well which "we" are we talking about? Players don't have any say in the scheduling (well, nobody asked me anyway). The next team on our schedule is the next on our schedule.

To the fan who wrote "GO UCONN!" on a napkin and held it against the window as he drove next to the bus as we traversed down the highway. You sir, (yes, you!) have a fanhood that does NOT need questioning. Tremendous.

I hate that we lost. I also hate that we lost to Greg Schiano. Not because he's a bad guy or a bad coach. I'm sure he's a lovely person. But how could we lose to someone who looks like he just walked off the set of Spin City? (Anyone else think he bears a strong resemblance to Paul Lassiter aka Richard King?)
Just a thought.

I've had enough of kids telling me New Jersey is the best.* It's like when a salesman knows he has an inferior product (hurry up and push the fish, it's about to turn...) and does his best to convince you otherwise. You never hear people from Kansas being like, "Yes, Dorothy, AND Toto-- both from here. There is no place like home!" (It's a metaphor-- Dorothy and Toto, Springsteen and Jovi...) "Jersey is the best!" (Best what? Smelling? Definitely not.) Maybe if they repeat it enough, it will come true (it won't).

*To be specific, arguing about high school football domination state to state is exempt from this hatred. This sort of pride is to be expected.

Cincinnati up next. Well coached, great executors. Let see what we can do.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Jersey Jokes Wearing Thin? ...fuhgeddaboudit

As you know it's Rutgers week. Which means the time to crack on Jersey is at hand. After being featured on NJ.Com for the previous post, I feel a little bad that some of it might have been taken out of context. On the other hand, if you cant take a joke, please hit "ALT + F4" and this problem will solve itself (thanks Bill Gates).

So, Rutgers week. Something I've noticed by watching the film is that their confidence and play execution is getting increasingly better every week. Their center,
Ryan Blaszczyk provides some senior leadership and on film he's out there making plays. Never mind that he went to Shawnee High School with Ryan Wirth (we'll forgive him for that). Wirth confirms it: "Hes a good kid, hard worker...he can play." We should have our hands full (metaphorically and literally-- they're averaging about 305 on the O-line. Keep on keepin' on, fellow FWGs).

We're finally all healthy on the D-Line. No thanks to OT (Louisville)
George Bussey (not to be confused with Gary), who claimed two ankles and a head trauma from the UConn Defense.

Not much more on Rutgers until after the game on Saturday.

Expect a battle.

Some Final Thoughts:

Desmond Conner of the Hartford Courant is writing a piece on social issues in college football. Look for it this week. Why is this relevant? 'Cause today Cody Brown and I had to pose for photos. Why is this in the blog? For two reasons:

1) It cut my lunch short (enter FWG reference)
2) I had a thick, thick five o'clock shadow going, so I took my hair clippers to my cheeks to tone it down before the photos (don't call me vain). I was looking in the mirror, noticed my sideburns needed trimming, and with the skill of an uncoordinated eight year old, promptly lopped off an inch of my right eye brow. (Attempts to "even it off" were equally as unsuccessful.) Look for it on ESPN-U this Saturday @ 12.

Scott Schultz (Jersey native) and I had a discussion on New Jersey today. He said that I had the wrong impression, along with a lot of other people. He said people only see Newark and the oil refineries. He said there's actually "a lot of really nice areas" in the dirty-dirty. Sure Scott, and there's a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you. The best part of Jersey? The "Welcome to New York" sign.

A shout out to Chris S. and his staff in the equipment room. I've noted that my clothes have turned from L to XXL, but also thanks to him and the "team issue", my closet is now all navy and white with Nike Swoosh's. Thanks big guy, (I'll pick up my pull-over tomorrow)

Congrats to Chip Malafronte and Andy Staples, who today, each chalked up one reference to leg sweeping Aryans, bringing today's 80's movie references total to three. Unfortunately, the guy at Store24 did not know why when I asked how much the paper was, I answered my own question with "I WANT MY TWO DOLLARS!!" (If you know why, e-mail me. No, there's not a prize. Yes, this is a shameless attempt to receive more mail).

Forgot to drop more NJ razz on you. Hair Gel, Glow Sticks, Camaro, Springsteen, Blowout, Newark, Jersey Girl.
(ahhh, much better)

Monday, October 13, 2008

Rutgers Week (Tony Soprano Rejoices!)

It's back to college football. No more Martha Stewart, no more apple picking, no more Fall-Foliage-Popped-Collar-Fun (at least until next bye week). This week it's back to grunting and sweating and watching film. This week we continue our Big East play; this week we play Rutgers.

This post is all Rutgers, making it all-Jersey. Meaning, pick one of these to play while reading.
Bon Jovi: Or The Boss:

The apparent birthplace of the prolate-spheroid (also the IROC Camero and Bon Jovi) is where we will find ourselves this Saturday. That's right, the Garden State (if you're growing smokestacks), the pride of New Jersey (sorry Bada-Bing), Rutgers University.

This week is going to provide a lot of tests for us, but before I get into that I want to breakdown a few things about Rutgers that the national media seems to be missing.

This is a team coached by Greg Schiano (of keep choppin' fame). The past two seasons, he has done an excellent job of instilling a sense of unquestionable pride in his players regarding Rutgers football. Yet with only one win under his belt in 2008, the townsfolk are grabbing their pitchforks and torches (or is it hair gel and glowsticks?...ohhh), calling for his head. It is a testament to how fickle the mob can be (thanks Gladiator). A year ago Rutgers entered the season in the Top 25, the "experts" talking about this program having a permanent spot in the big time. But why is all this important? Because this is a team coached by Greg Schiano, with unquestionable pride. No team gives up mid-season. Especially his players-- they certainly go into every game thinking they are going to win, and more importantly, preparing relentlessly to win. So I now issue a memo to all of the college football commentators: stating the obvious is not keen research or insight. Yes, their record is poor, especially compared to recent success. No, this game should not be taken lightly. Every game is a battle, especially in the "Black and Blue League," so tune in, don't tune out. This is the Big East, every game can change the season.

Rutgers Offense:
Mike Teel has the rare quality of being able to get hot, even when the game seems to be on ice. A good leader, fifth year senior who has a strong, accurate arm. He's also got some serious targets down field (enter Kenny Britt). Ken (insert Barbie joke) is a receiver with big play capability that can catch the under ball and take it long and the long ball (and...uh...take it longer?).
They are definitely hurting by not having Ray Rice, but that doesn't take away anything from their current backs, but any college program from Texas to Towson would have trouble filling the shoes of a recordbreaking, NFL-caliber back like Ray-Ray.
I have to give a shout to the Big-Uglies. Their starting left tackle, Anthony Davis, is legit. He's moved from guard (where I faced him last year), to fill the (big) shoes of now NFL O-linemen Pedro Sosa (who I want to call Pedro Sorano, remember Major League?). Anyway, on film Davis is mobile, with good feet, and a penchant for finishing off defenseless D-Linemen (like any good OT is taught). Get your minds right, Cody and Julius.

Rutgers Defense:
Their secondary is the strength of their team. They can all play man coverage as well as the zone and their closing speed is tremendous. I can personally attest to the athleticism of Courtney Greene; I played with him in the NY v. NJ All-Star Game (of course New York won). He was originally committed to 'Cuse, but the college football gods work in mysterious ways, and bada-bing-bada-boop he's in Piscataway making plays and climbing up draft boards.
Their defensive line, if we were to compare it to another, would most closely resemble UConn's (minus the slow-fat-unathletic type). They are smaller, faster, and more agile than your typical defensive line.

Expect the game in the trenches to be a slug fest.

So now back to UConn.

24-hour rule in full effect, we analyzed, addressed, and corrected the mistakes we made in the UNC game. Did it hurt? Sure it did (you cut me deep Cameron Sexton, cut me deep). But it's over, and we are focused on the Big East now, specifically our blow-out-friendly neighbors, Rutgers. (Rutgers/NJ jokes wearing thin? Too bad.)

Expect Zach Frazer to come out gun slinging. The kid is a focused competitor with a short memory. His most telling accolade though? Recipient of the Lunn-Sung Hero Award. He's now famous.

Defensive line is back at full strength. And in later news, at about 1:00 yesterday afternoon, I caught my reflection in the mirror. I paused to enjoy the view (drink it in, ladies). There, amongst my flab I saw an "ab," in the upper right corner of what was once the six-pack area... only for a moment, then he went back into hibernation. But I know he's there. (I'll see you in the spring, sucker!).

Some Final Thoughts:

There has been some speculation that (former defensive tackle turned Indianapolis Colt) Dan Davis is faster than me. Dear Dan, You are not. I still love you, -FWG

I met Ray Rice's uncle this summer in New Rochelle. Couldn't have been a bigger fan of college football and all things Ray Rice. I'd like to make some remarks about how his unabashed fanhood for his nephew was embarrassing. However, my mother's dance moves are shown on the Jumbo-tron at games, proudly wearing her (custom made) Lunn-65 shirt. So, on this, you get a pass, sir.

Ever been to I'll skip explaining how that works, but do yourself a favor and go ahead and create "Pat Benatar Radio." You'll thank me later.

The Red Sox. Oh the Red Sox.

I saw "Body of Lies" last night. Might as well have been called "Body of Awesome." Crowe, DiCaprio? Gladiator and Titanic? Ridley Scott directs? Lock of the century. Go see it now.

Just how many New Jersey digs were there in this post? Seven. Am I sorry? Sort of. Having dated a few Jersey girls (never again), there are some things I love from NJ. To name a few; Italian delis, the shore, and Pork Roll (Taylor Ham).
Processed pork product, best served fried...with cheese? Being fat, the best thing ever. So tasty. I can't describe it; run (don't walk) to get one. Too fat to run? Walk speedily, you'll never view breakfast sandwiches the same.

Get back to you later this week,
(keep the e-mails comin!)

Sunday, October 12, 2008


Some of my teammates, who will not remain nameless, have taken offense to the fact that I have not mentioned them in the category of "Overachieving Fat Linemen," so I'd Like to make those corrections now:

Offensive Guard Zach Hurd: Girlfriend is former Ms. Teen Connecticut
(see below)
(Zach was next to me as I published this post and made me include this picture)

Tight End (semi-fat-guy) Yianni Apostolakos: Girlfriend is from Upstate New York and looks like Marissa Tomei.

Defensive Tackle Brandon Dillon: Girlfriend looks like a combination between Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Love Hewitt

Offensive Tackle (and sometime tight end) Dan Ryan: Girlfriend (well, significant other) is like a combination of every Jersey girl you've ever met and Martha Stewart (it's a good thing)

Apple Picking Update/The Bye-Week Blues

So, it's a bye week; I've been lost for material because until now, I've refused to "blog" (I'm over the blog-verb-dilemma) about my day, avoiding the drudgery that is 90% of internet blogs. I've been sticking strictly to my opinions of and surrounding college football and the college football lifestyle (yes, that includes my stories of cooking fried chicken, relax). Well as of right now I again sell a portion of my soul and standards (like so many athletes-turned-Dancing-with-the-Stars) and begin an aimless ramble about my fall day in New England.

Like many a New Yorker, my impression of New England was chowder (excuse me, chow-dah), and the "Three P's"-- Popped Collars, Paisley, and Plaid. Fall foliage and lighthouses and lobstah. Witch-hunts, Halloween, and "The Nation." Well, fans of everything New England, be prepared to enter a new image into your collective conscience recall: Fat White Guy on bye week goes apple picking. Pile in the Jeep Wrangler, and join the girlfriend's step-dad, cousins, baby sister, and family friends at a remote farm in Middleton, Massachusetts. Apparently this is what I'm now doing with my free time.

But let me back up a little, and help you get from point A (free time) to point B (weekending in the scenic hills of New England). It's an age-old dilemma; we beg and yearn for some downtime, a break from the grind to clear our minds and relax. But much like the dog that chases that '84 Tempo down the street, we simply don't know what to do when we get it. So I made plans to go into Boston to watch Game One. Tremendous decision. Spent the night right outside Fenway with close friends cheering on my beloved Sox, and watching Louisville get into a shootout with Memphis. Call it the UConn football player in me, but amidst all my "relaxation" I just wanted to be back in a hotel in some city focusing on beating up some opposing offensive line. Boston wins, the sports gods are smiling, and in the morning we left Beantown for the suburbs.

Let me save you the intricate details, but FWG ended up driving up a dirt road to an apple orchard equipped with donuts (okay, this might not be so bad), farm animals, and fruit bearing acacia. So, I know I've been talking about everything manly (Bo-Sox, Beantown, college football), but I cannot in good conscience say that my girlfriend was twisting my arm to go apple picking. Part of me was curious to see how "civilians" spend their weekends in the fall. After arrival I was one part anthropologist and one part Ritalin-starved 12-year-old bouncing between donuts, cider, and caged farm animals. Okay, so I was hooked.

FWG's girlfriend's cousin is another fat white guy, turned skinny guy, turned productive member of society. He used to play offensive line at UMass. He and I frolicked through the rows of Granny Smiths and Red Delicious with reckless abandon. Sampling, picking, and sampling some more; pause for pictures; resume frolicking. Turn back to watch girlfriend have knowing look creep across her face (like so many a soccer mom, is only how I can describe it). I'm really hoping some offensive linemen from Rutgers is reading this right now, and will remind me on Saturday how soft I've become.

I will say that as a college athlete, in prime physical condition, I was somehow able to work up a sweat...while apple picking. (Just how fat are you?) Of course I was able to add a touch of meatheaded-ness to the simplest of New England pleasures. Man. Nature. Man and Nature. Man and Nature and competitive nature. Who can throw the apple the furthest? Who can peg the other with more apples? Even I can ruin a family outing. With a belly full of fruit and donuts and cider and toddler drool, I was oddly satisfied with my foray into something that didn't involve a bench press or a helmet.

I came back to enjoy the rest of the college football weekend. But maybe this blog (at least for today) is not qualified to comment on college football, perhaps I've taken a turn for Martha Stewart ("meathead apple picking, it's a good thing") meets Good Housekeeping meets The Sporting News. I had fun. I'll admit it, okay? A great time, not as satisfying as running out of the tunnel to 40,000 screamin' meemees...but close. (Okay not close, but still a good time).

So maybe I was the metaphorical dog, chasing the car. Many argued that that dog wouldn't know what to do when he caught it. Well I caught my car in an apple orchard. And I knew what to do: I ate it.

Some Final Thoughts:

Texas v. Oklahoma. Colt McCoy. Your name is Colt, you are qualified to do nothing else but play quarterback for UT; well done, sir.

Pat White is injured, obviously an integral part of the WVU offense. I don't want to take anything away from WVU and the win, but Syracuse kept it close. Again this is the Big East, the rules don't apply, anything is possible. (Keep on keepin' on, 'Cuse.)

I have recently had some big "To-Do's" checked off my "Life To-Do List" (it exists, really). That would be being recognized for my writing by ESPN and Sports Illustrated (next up, swimsuit issue -- see "Boys of the Big East" coming soon) and USA Today. So a BIG thank you to Brian Bennet, Andy Staples, and Reid Cherner. Next up to check off the list: sky diving, getting a job writing ( for resume; references on request), and seeing my abs again (I miss you guys, too).

Do you think Billy Ray Cyrus could ever really ground Miley Cyrus (excuse me, Hannah Montana)? The answer in case you were wondering (you weren't wondering, were you?), is no. I wish that at age 16 I could have reminded my father he once had a world class mullet and sang "Achy Breaky Heart,"oh, and that I saved his career. I hate Hannah Montana. (First apple picking, then the Good Housekeeping reference... this is a college football blog right?)

I like the moxy and intensity that UNC's defensive line plays with. FWG's rejoice at DT's scorin' TDs! (OMG!) My apologies to my sister who goes to law school at Notre Dame and had to painfully watch that game.

And finally, my heart goes out to my beloved Sox who lost in extra innings last night. But FWG is not worried... it's only game 2.

So, I'll be checking in during Rutgers week... no more Martha Stewart; back to commentary on college football. I promise.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Apple Picking and The Fall Foliage Tour....(what has my life come to?)

Me picking apples. Hilarity ensues.
More on this to come....
(The writing process cannot occur until I've come to terms with what I've actually done)

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Art Donovan

Perfect example of "Bar Darwinism"

A classic.
A Big Fat White Guy thank you to Christopher Grosse for the new "Wallpaper" at the top of this site. You have managed to make me palatable to the general public and for that a debt of gratitude. (I'm not "pleasing to the eye," I "frighten small children," I don't "bathe regularly"...)
Thanks, Chris!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The envy of Tyler Florence and the Colonel himself...

Before I share with you one of the funniest e-mails I've ever received I have to tell you of my culinary efforts tonight. I love to cook (probably because I love to eat). Probably something I have inherited from my mom's side of the family (maiden name: Siconolfi, you get the picture...yes, that makes me half-a-meatball). So there I was in my hours of "free" time, getting sucked into the vortex/black hole also known as "The Food Network." Enter Tyler Florence (stage right). Oh, Tyler, how your boyish charm and culinary intuition make me swoon like the proverbial school-girl. This week's episode: Tyler's Ultimate Fried Chicken.

Fried? Chicken? Overused hyperbole (maybe adjective)? I was sold. So today the girlfriend and I went to Big Y, picked up the ingredients and I invited some of my teammates over to feast. (I immediately donned my all white suit and bowtie and began channeling the spirit of Colonel Sanders). Cornbread and green beans were handled by the girlfriend (and turned out excellent). I was in charge of the meat (like any real man), and promptly proceeded to under- and overcook 4lbs of legs and thighs (or chicken-torso as Tony "Pre-Med" Ciaravino so eloquently put it). Couldn't get the oil temperature right (oh, that's 200 degrees Celsius, so it's too hot...actually approaching molten lava...yeah, that's it, off the burner. Now please.). Too heavy on the batter. Eyes glued to the kitchen timer. I'd say out of 25 total pieces, 4 came out truly edible. Which is not to say than any went unfinished. Between myself (FWG), my girlfriend, Steve Brouse (TE), Desi Cullen (P), Tony Ciaravino (K), and Steve's girlfriend, we finished it all. I'm sure sometime tomorrow during "Inside Run" period, I'll pay for all this fried animal I've ingested, but how could I turn down my first foray into the cooking styles of a TV show host who made my mouth water and a man that I so very often confused with Phil Jackson? (That's right, I couldn't.) So where is all this free time coming from you might ask? Oh, we're on a "bye week." Possibly the greatest myth in the history of the NCAA. (It's between that and the benefits of the ice tub. God I hate the ice tub.) More on that to come, but first, please enjoy the e-mail I received this afternoon from none other than our resident cripple, Hop-a-long Harry, Steve "Tiny Tim" Brouse:

Hey there roomie--Just ate a milk sandwich (Steve is lactose intolerant)and I will crutch into your room and fart on your pillows tonight (If I contract pink eye you'll know why). I'm extremely bored so I'm going to give you a list of possible things to write about in your precious little blog. It will save me from doing real school work. Remember... if you don't use any of them I won't be offended... but I will soil your linens. On a side note, I'm sitting next to (OG) Gary Bardzak in the computer lab taking music requests and his song of choice was Warren Zevon (yes the Warren Zevon)- "Werewolves in London." He doesn't know I'm looking at him but he's got the biggest smile on his face.... kid really loves Warren Zevon.(I mean, who doesnt?)

Somewhere later on in the e-mail Steve asked me to detail what a "bye-week" really means to the thousands of college football players across the country that have to suffer through this week of supposed rest and relaxation.

The Bye Week:

For most casual fans (or at least those who never played college football at any level) the bye week is a week where they are without their beloved varsity team (guess we'll have to watch NASCAR). I'm sure most people think that the bye week means we get to recover from our injuries, catch up on sleep, and maybe sip Mai-Tai's by the cold tubs. In reality, in a sport that values focus and consistency the bye week is a real pain in the ass.

It interrupts all momentum that we build up and gives us a gracious opportunity to lose focus. And while it does help injured players recover from injury (exhibit A: FWG), it is not a treat getting to double up on 20 minute stints in 50 degree water.

For a team coming off a loss (thanks Tarheels), it's a toss up as to whether it helps or not. It depends on the individual. Myself? I'd like to get going on the next game as soon as possible. Nothing washes off the shame of defeat like focusing on your next victim (that, and Axe body wash).

Some might argue that a bye week is a perfect time for a team to refocus, especially one that might be struggling to get a foot hold on the beginning of a season. For these teams (one of which I've been a part, UConn Football 2006), it's like training camp has re-opened in the middle of fall. Long practices, drilling the basics of college football (good, 'cause I forgot how to tackle). Unfortunately it also brings all the aches, pains, and frustrations that go along with training camp (see Out Of Shape Lumberjack for further details). Only this time add in trying to worry about your GPA.

If it were up to me (it's not....yet), the Big East would follow the lead of some other BCS conferences: start early, play 12 weeks straight, and be home in time for Thanksgiving (mmm stuffing).

So this week, it's back to the grind. Light on the film, heavy on the physical exhaustion.

Werewolves in London; what a good song.

Once you go mack, you never go back. We'll see.

a baked potato? a baked potato? are we in Russia?!?

My Mistake

excuse my limited typing, grammar, and apparently brain function.

My email is not fatwhiteguy it is in fact

excuse the error, and please send your questions/comments/praise/disgust there.


Sunday, October 5, 2008

Like a Eulogy...Only Funnier!

So this is a new experience for me, having to blog after a loss. As well as coming to terms with using "blog" as a verb.

I had trouble starting this one, thinking of a jumping off point, which part of the game to analyze or break down first. I can equate this kind of block (or reluctance to write) to the same I felt trying to write a eulogy. (Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us...).
Let me start by deflecting some of the criticism that I am sure is coming Zach Frazer's way. He's our QB, not only our best option with Tyler out, but also extremely competent at performing his duties. Statistically speaking, he was sound. (Then again I am the first to say that there is only one statistic that matters: points on the board.) So how about we try and measure the oft unmeasureables? Leadership, communication, poise. Zach has all of these and then some and I know I speak for our entire team when I say that we are are confident that he can get the job done for us. He was the first to admit that he made some "rookie mistakes" and was "trying to do too much." But, if you're going to criticize him for that, would you rather him "do too little"? ("Yes, I would have thrown that touchdown, but you know, I wanted to do too little.")

I think special teams needed work, but after watching the tape, it's never one major thing. It's always one missed block here, or one there. But when you play a team of high caliber, and make no mistake, UNC fits this bill, they exploit the mistakes that other teams might not (see Hofstra for details). But I think this is a good lesson, especially for some of the younger guys who comprise our team; to win a Big East Championship (we now start conference play) we need to limit mistakes and capitalize on our opportunities.

Time to break it down:


  • Donny Brown is an electric runner, a workhorse, and probably the most humble guy you will ever meet.
  • Jordan Todman showcased his speed and fans of UConn Football should take notice. Forget investing in the DeLorean, if you wanna see the future of the program, replay some of Todman's runs this season.
  • The offensive line play was good, led by fellow senior (center) Keith Gray, who Coach Edsall singled out in our team meeting for his exceptional grit throughout the game. His leadership is going to pull us through this week, as we nurse wounds and get ready for Rutgers. While he still might resemble a Koala, I think he does a great job. He was the first to say the D-Line for UNC was physical and made for a long night.


  • Bend but don't break. Limit scores to field goals in the red-zone. We did well at this, all things considered. Turnovers in the red-zone and field position made for a tough night. Holding them to the field goal, and then the fumble that put them on the one yard line (I still say we had that recovered). But let me say this about the UNC offensive line, I have seen a lot of different types of players, the highly rated ones who under performed (sorry, UVa) and the big guys who couldn't move as well (sorry I'm not sorry, Syracuse). UNC had some big guys, who were athletic and as technically sound as I've seen on the gridiron since I've been playing. Not to mention exceptionally polite (which I guess is easy when you're up in the second half like that).
  • Again Julius Williams is stealing sacks from me and again I admit that if only I had been a little faster (insert fat white joke here) I'd have had him clean, which is a little frustrating because Griffin from Baylor had the moves to make me look silly, but this kid had no business escaping my grip.
  • Personally I was hoping that UNC would give Paulus another shot at starting. I only watched a few snaps of him on field, but he's from Christian Brother Academy in Syracuse, New York. It' always nice to see more Upstate guys playing.
  • Cody Brown again added to the strong case he is making for the NFL. (Although, I will say that as his roommate on the road, NFL execs might wanna consult me if they need a witness to personal hygiene. Time to shower, Cody. Seriously.)
  • Their running backs were exceptional as well, but it's nothing we hadn't seen as a defense. (training camp versus Downtown Donny a track meet...with pads)


  • Desi Cullen kicks the ball exceptionally well. Especially on kickoff, his depth and hang time are tops in all of Division I (eh hem, "Football Bowl Eligible Division" of the Athletic Program Formally Known as Prince).
  • I know everyone is wondering, so I'll talk about the punt blocks. It was something we hadn't seen on film yet, and it wasn't on our personal protector, like Butch Davis said. It was on our wing position, which has been corrected (several times actually today...). CJ Marck who took over duties for injured (and future crutch-Olympian) Steve Brouse did a good job, so to set the record straight, the blocks were NOT on him.
  • For a team that prides itself on playing "fundamentally sound" this was something that we took to heart as a failure. And be sure we WILL get it corrected. As a side note, generally I don't comment on things I don't have personal experience doing (punt returning, field goal kicking, jogging, being skinny, etc). But as a former long snapper I feel it is within my general scope of knowledge to talk about the punts.
  • (Other things in my general scope of knowledge you ask? Lacrosse, texting, eating, hockey, the occasional steam bath.)


My ankle is coming along nicely, not exactly 100%, but it's there. As a side note, a student trainer was examining it this morning. The exchange went something like this:
"I should get [head athletic trainer] Bob...this is really swollen..."
"Uhh no, that's just how it is...really big. Kinda fat. This is a reccurring theme. Let's move on."

The lights in the stadium went off. A twenty minute interruption to game play. That sucked, but as a I noted to the UNC offensive line, it was simply a metaphor for "Lights-out-Defense." They grunted, apparently not wanting to wax philosophical with me. Truly though, that completely killed the momentum and flow of the game.

Kudos (who says kudos?) to the Marck family, who gave the business to some rude fans in the UConn section. While Mr. Marck looks exactly like a combination of Harry Connick Jr. and Dermot Mulroney ( know how I know you're gay? You know who Dermot Mulroney is), he and Mrs. Marck (also in competition for sweetest lady ever) both made the UConn program proud.

After the game we got our pre-flight snack. Chik-fil-A. Only this time instead of fried, my chicken was grilled. Dear Chick-fil-A, stop reading my diary! How else could you have known this is what I craved? Nothing satisfies me more than your grilled chicken, pickles, and partially hydrogenated-gum based-pastry (brownie). Sincerely yours, Fat White Guy.

My girlfriend has asked me to be her date to her cousin's wedding. Only she didn't outright ask me, it was more like an interview, "What exactly do you offer that other wedding-dates might not?" "Well, I will not hit on your relatives or kin, I'll slow dance to corny love songs, and I will shamelessly lead the electric slide." ..."You' re hired!"

I was pissed to see that Baylor lost. I think they are a really talented team. And I know our friends at Burnt Orange Nation have a man-crush on Griffin (keep believin', Peter). I'm hoping they run the table on the rest of their Big 12 games.

Taking a look around the Big East, one word comes to mind. Parity. Not sure what parity means? (Pay attention, WVU...) Everyone is a threat; there is no easy game.

Please continue to email me suggestions for blogs. It makes this more fun knowing that I am answering the questions burning deep in your soul (yes, I'm an Aquarius).

My email has changed to
(At the request of [former defensive tackle] Dan Davis)

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Re-Opened Q & A...

Last post before we make the trip to UNC.

Got an e-mail, about how quickly I closed the window on Q & A. There was a good question/suggestion in there.

The question/idea I had was for you to list your top whatever. Everyone loves lists. Lists 3 stadiums to play in and 3 games so far at UConn and 3 opposing 3 pet peeves 3 cliches ..that the coaches overuse....

Top Three Stadiums to play in (besides the 'Rent):

1. West Virginia (Morgantown)- There's nothing like that atomosphere, it's simply electric. I think it's half the stadium, and half the fans (and probably half the moonshine). There's also nothing like getting beer and batteries thrown at you. Don't ask me why it's beer and batteries, either (and don't ask someone from WV to spell batteries). Something I'll always regret in my career is never coming away with a W there.
2. Pittsburgh- Sharing a stadium with an NFL team is NOT always a good thing (here's lookin' at you, Temple). But their locker room is by far the nicest away locker room we stay in. It was even better than the visiting locker room at Ford Field (back in 2004...maybe they've updated since the Lions have had so much success...oh wait....)
3. University of Virginia- I don't know where their field turf management team came from, but that is one awesome place to play. We watched the film and thought it was synthetic, until we showed up there. It's manicured to perfection. Rumor has it the remains of Thomas Jefferson are mixed into every batch of lawn seed, so the seeds grow up strong (and loving democracy). Also, it's one of the most hostile places to play.

Top Three Opposing Fans:
1. West Virginia - Ruthless. Simply ruthless. I was doing my pregame routine, praying, when I kneeled by the student section and was promptly instructed to "Keep Praying (expletive), you better (expletive) pray that we don't (expletive) murder you tonight." I'm pretty sure that fan is going to hell. But kudos on making the top three.
2. Rutgers- New Jersey. Don't let the blowouts, hair gel, and glow sticks fool you. They're tough.
3. Hofstra- Haha yeah right. Syracuse- Maybe it's the fans, maybe its the Dome, I dont know, but they do have a committed student section. I think after this week UNC might be in the mix. (Indiana was a close runner-up).

Top Three Games at UConn:
1. South Florida 2007- Ranked opponent. Crowd rushes the field. Best feeling ever.
2. Louisville 2007- Getting hits on future NFL QB Brian Brohm all night, sealing the victory with an interception, playing in the pouring rain. You can't buy memories like that. (Keep tryin' Bill Gates.)
3. Pitt 2006- OT Win, showed a lot of grit. That win carried us through some dark times that season (4-8...blahhh). DJ Hernandez throws the ball out of the stadium; tremendous moxy.

Top Three Cliches-
(mostly from high school, our college coaches are pretty inspiring)
1. Concentrate on your schoolwork- True? Yes. But Coming from a guy who barely graduated, with his degree in GYM, excuse me, "Physical Education." (This one compliments one of my high school coaches.)
2. "God, Family, School, Football...those are your priorities"- It's true that those are priorities. But, after 5 years, I'm not so sure they're in that order.
3. Football players have it easy- (Okay, not technically a cliche, more of a stereotype.) We don't have it easy. At all. In fact, we are held to a higher standard than most. And when it comes to professors, technically they can't make attendance mandatory, and technically they can't punish you for missing a class due to a game. Ask any of my teammates, suffering participation grades are proof. It's an uphill battle.

Top Three Worst Stadiums to play in (not to be confused with toughest)
1, 2, 3, Army --Blaik Field at Michie Stadium (by far the worst)- I actually had two experiences at this gem of a stadium. Once as a high school senior (NY v. NJ All-Star Game. Yes, NY won: Tyvonn Branch and Rob Lunn v. Dan Davis). Their visiting locker room is circa 1924. No air conditioning, just a giant fan that sounds like it's about to take off (Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?). On top of that, cracked concrete floors, wooden benches (with splinters!), and possibly the worst of shower room for players and coaches. I'll spare the details, but yes, awful. Furthermore, if there is an Asian-Bird-Flu outbreak, I'm pretty sure ground zero will be that locker room tunnel, where birds have made a lovely home of the concrete beams that lead out to the playing field, and the walls are lined (literally lined) with bird poop. What makes this the worst place to play is that, while the stadium (and the view) are gorgeous, every time I leave there my first call is to my doctor. "Yes, that's right, two tetanus shots...mhmm, yeh, and a polio vaccine. See you Monday at 4:00."

Top Three Things Said On a Football Field:
1. "Get your hands off me, I'm a millionaire" - Ray Rice, Rutgers. Oh Ray, money can't buy height, you're still pocket-sized to me. But he was very good.
2. "Wait, we punted?"-Steve Brouse, at Cincinnati 2007, suffering from a concussion. Steve Brouse played 2 series, not remembering any of it. Not only did he serve on the punt team, but he also caught a pass, none of which he remembers. Some of us actually wish we could forget that game.
3. "Party in the endzone! Party in the endzone"- Tyler Lorenzen, first rushing TD of career. Like an over-caffeinated 8 year-old at Chuck E. Cheese. Ty could hardly contain the excitement of scoring his first TD (like hitting 500 on skee-ball).

Top Three Escort Services (don't get too excited, I mean Police Escorts)
For those who don't know, we get a police escort to and from the stadium and airports.
1. Georgia Tech Police- Pretty sure they watched a combination of Lethal Weapon, Beverly Hills Cop, and Reno 911 as their training videos. I don't wanna say they take their jobs too seriously, but was the air support really necessary?
2.Duke- I know, I know, nation's longest losing streak, but they do a great job. Maybe it's 'cause they want to usher the shame out of their state as quickly as possible. Again, these people took a page out of the Starsky/Hutch-Burt Reynolds playbook. Starsky and Hutch for the over-the-top escort; Reynolds for the tremendous upper lip fur.
3. Louisville- Motorcycles? K-9 Cars? Mandatory Crown Victorias? Yes, Yes, and Yes. Well done all around on that one.

Hope that answers some of the "Top Three" you might have wondered about. Gettin' late, and Pitt is currently beating South Florida. 'Bout to go to bed, big weekend ahead. Let's get it!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

My Exclusive Interview with Zach Frazer…

Unlike the mainstream media who has been denied access to our fabled Notre Dame transfer, I, being his teammate and friend, have the exclusive rights to this interview-- the one that the entire world (or most of Connecticut) has been waiting for.

But before we get into that, I want to talk about some stuff I’ve been reading in the press lately. I’ve heard Coach Edsall referred to as the “Congenial Dictator," for refusing access to our new starting quarterback. I’m sure some people have even been thinking up worse names and puns for the headman to fatten up articles that, as for now, are blatantly empty of Zach Frazer quotes.

Sorry guys, I got to agree with the headman on this one. I’ve read some of the detractors, who’ve said that it is unfair to keep Zach out of the media. I’ve heard that it's unjustified because “it's not like he’s a freshman” (hey-- he reads at a junior level, FYI). Also, I read that Edsall should have let him talk because he’s been available before, after he transferred to UConn from South Bend. I also read this little tidbit…that the “Division I experiment is still young for UConn, WE NEED ACCESS TO FRAZER” (you know, for the good of the program… definitely not for the byline). No, you don’t, and back in 2002 I’d say the experiment was young ("this night is still in diapers, baby")…but two bowl appearances, a Big East title, and several Huskies in the NFL later, I’d say this “experiment” is less like a youngen and more like a dapper 22 year old. Let me make one thing clear.

Prior to last Saturday morning, Zach had never been the starter for a D-I football team, not to mention an undefeated one, or one ranked in the Top 25. He’s getting his first start, on the road, against a very good ACC team. So the last thing my pal needs is to be answering questions on a Tuesday about how he feels about filling Tyler’s shoes (size 13…that’s right, ladies). Zach has been looking great all week and hitting the film harder than ever. Zach has a cannon for an arm (and a head like Johnny Bravo). He’s also the only kid I know that is so obsessed with cars, he put a racing stripe…on the wall of his dorm room. (Atta boy Zach, you just won the “NASCAR Dad” demographic; Barack is already jealous.)

Without further ado, my interview with Zach Frazer:
(Coach Edsall Approved)

Fat White Guy: How do you feel about your first start?
Zach Frazer: No comment.
FWG: Would you say that you’re nervous?
ZF: No comment.
FWG: How do you respond to those in the blogging community who say you resemble Johnny Bravo?
ZF: No comment.
FWG: Do you think Coach Edsall and Coach Ambrose will utilize your arm, or stick with handing off to Downtown Donny Brown against UNC?
ZF: No comment.
FWG: How do you feel knowing that former QB DJ Hernandez forces his girlfriend (now fiancee…congrats, Jennifer) to read him this blog every night (as a bedtime story)?
ZF: Kinda sad…and creepy.
FWG: Who would you say is the cutest member of the defensive line?
ZF: Probably Rob Lunn.
FWG: Oh, stop it. With these scrawny arms?
ZF: They’re not scrawny….they're nice.

Well there you have it, all the questions echoing through the college football world, answered.

Some final thoughts:

UConn needs a 24 hour diner. I know what you're thinking, “As if he wasn’t fat enough?" I can’t deny that, but still, we need one.

My 8th grade chorus teacher reads this blog. Nicest lady ever? Yes. Can I carry a tune? No.

I may have taken the first step toward putting my foot in my mouth about ESPN coverage of UConn football. I was interviewed about the blog the other day, by none other than the ESPN Bloggist (word?) covering the Big East.

However, I was beginning to warm up to the boys in Bristol when I received a flaming bag of poo on my doorstep. Hell hath no fury like an anchor scorned; I’ve got my eyes on you, Lou Holtz.

Steve Brouse and Tyler Lorenzen are coming along nicely. We’re thinking of entering them in a three-legged race.

UNC tape is showing one consistent theme: they have a VERY talented offensive line. The thing about evaluating offensive lines is that, they can have all the athleticism in the world, but not be successful (read: UVa). What binds a good offensive line is game experience, toughness, and leadership. UNC has this and then some. Should be a tremendous challenge.

It's late; I'll probably check in once more before game day.


Just finished my resume, who’s ready to hire me?