By FWG and Chris Cooley
Make a bowl game? The NCAA will reward you with “Championship Testing.” Although I am going to play pro in Europe, I can comfortably say my drug testing days are over. (Europe: The land of Arnold and Amsterdam…drug testing not a big priority there). I’m not saying I’m glad there will be no more piss testing because I can’t wait to spark a J and stick a needle in my ass. Quiet the contrary. I am just glad that I won’t have a perfect and complete stranger staring at my wedding tackle three times a year.
I completely understand drug testing to keep the integrity of sports. Completely. By all means, test me. But do you really have to look at my junk? It’s not a fake penis, I promise you.
Anyways, back to reality. When you get in that sterile room and you have to fill a cup. I’ve played in front of tens of thousands of fans, on live national television. I loved it. But one guy in a bathroom telling me to pee, I freeze like a cheap computer. Call it stage fright, or performance anxiety, or whatever. That’s one thing you didn’t see on your recruiting trip, “To your left is our weight room. Largest in all of New England. To your right, the room where a guy making just above minimum wage will stare at your dong and handle your urine. Next up, the dining halls….” You come out of that room like a rape victim.
Seriously though, it has been fodder for some of the best locker room material and practical jokes of all time. There was the time our tester (we’ll call him Rick) had a stain on his white uniform. A light brown, almost amber stain. We’ll call that an occupational hazard. He said it was coffee. I say it was that Gatorade I had at lunch. Even worse is some of the commentary this guy would make:(hands you sterile cup) "Welp...uh...filler up!...unleaded I hope." or "Think positive, piss negative!"
Some would suggest female testers. While you might expect some misogynistic response to such an idea, I won’t take the bait. You thought I couldn’t pee in front of a guy and now you want me to pee in front of someone that I might find sexually attractive. You might as well put my 105 year old great grandmother there.