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Friday, July 31, 2009

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: Away Game

Sports terminology has made its way into various other aspects of life. It's logical. Sports are popular and easy to translate with competition and the like. One place that you're never really sure if that's alright is in the bedroom. Sure, you may joke around about it with your close friends, aside from 'The Single/Double/Triple' analogy {If you touch 'em all, do you hit for the cycle? Or do they have to be separate instances? Can you even hit for the cycle? Once you try and codify things of this nature there are all sorts of rhetorical crevasses to be dealt with.} nothing has really become mainstream. The Swedes have taken the lead in that category.

Bortamatch - away game. Hemmamatch - home game. Brilliantly simple. They even have little equipment bags for those going into hostile territory looking to pull off a big victory.

Barney Stinson absolutely has to have a hand in the production of these kits. Next question, how do we figure out who is wearing white and color? Is it baseball, where white is at home? Or football, where home {traditionally} wears their color? Or should we just go shirts and skins?

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Tomfoolery in the Ice Bar

My not-so-little brother is in Sweden taking in everything that Stockholm has to offer. Which of course meant a trip to the Ice Bar {Something that I have yet to visit in my time here.}. It's a tiny room and it's, well, cold. That doesn't mean that it needs to be boring.

We had the lady at the front door convinced that we were serious about wanting to go into the bar sans shirt. "Um, no, you have to wear the pancho." Two minutes later we let on that there was no way we were going in without the coverall/little-kid-glove-clip combo. During a mixed drink in an ice cup, we decided to do what all good Wisconsin lads should do. Construct an ice-a-mid with the empties laying about.

And why not? With some help from some gentleman in town for the Pride festival, we completed our alcoholic tribute to the pharoahs and forced labor before we lost feeling in our fingers.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I Just Watched Footloose

I have had quite a few "movie confessions" on this blog, since this whole thing started. Reid over at USA Today even got me to admit that I liked romantic comedies. Guilty as charged.
But today, flipping through the movie channels I came across Footloose. I'm not sure if it is Kevin Bacon's asexual dance moves or the skin-tight Levi jeans--but kudos to 80's dance moves.
And what about that dynamite dialogue:
"...what about the police, you know em?"
"No, the ones behind you"
(...enter aviator-clad officer)
Instant gold! How this didn't take the Oscar for best picture in 1984 I'll never know.
Not to mention the whole "learning to dance" montage:

Well done. Well done.
He drives a VW Beetle, he will play his music as loud as he wants, and he will dance in grain-silos all night long. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try and stop him.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Channel Your "Inner-Lance"

Ever notice how sweet the logos on this site are. Even more, ever think how great you'd look wearing one of the FWG T-Shirts. Well, don't thank me---thank Johanna Denapoli. She did the all the designing and now she needs your help.

Jo is riding in the 30th aniversity of the Pan-Mass Challenge (PMC). I'd like to spit a lot of statistics about riding and bikes (Yeah, she's riding a Gary Fisher, with a Shimano 105 group) but the bottom line is that its a good cause and I think with things going the way they are in the world we could all use a little help.

Take your time, click the links, and enjoy you day.

The T.O. Show

Yes it is 12:00 on a Tuesday. My semi-unemployment has me watching day time VH1 (remember when their used to be music....and of course, POP-UP VIDEOS). What could be be better than a show about my favorite football team, in a town 45 minutes west of me.

Wrong, wrong.

Crap, total crap. I'd rather watch Flava-Flav or Scott Baio. Heidi and Spencer on The Hills had more genuine acting than this. I love the Bills, but if a decade without a playoff birth didn't push me over the edge, this just might. I'm warning you, not break my slightly oversized heart.
Final Thoughts:
Thoughts From A Fat White Guy would like to give it's official endorsement to "More To Love" the genius minds at Fox have developed a reality show for plus sized women. I'm down with this. It's The Bachelor meets Old Country Buffet. Well done America.
I'm going to Bills training camp this week, I'll let you know how that works out.

Enter the Meat Grinder

Minnesota is jacking up the level of competition in the years to come. According to ESPN's Adam Rittenberg they are looking to add Texas to a post-2009 slate that includes USC, Colorado and Oregon State after an already challenging 2009 schedule. Coach Tim Brewster ain't scurred:

The schedule is extremely challenging, but that's to my liking. I love the fact that we're playing Air Force, we're playing Cal, we're playing Syracuse. We're playing some really good football teams. Somebody said that we had the fifth most challenging schedule in America, and I like that. I think it's a good thing.
Missing Indiana and Michigan during the conference schedule in 2009 helps the strength of schedule but eliminates two very winnable games. And going big seems to be helping recruiting:

But from a recruit's perspective, I think that's what they want. When I talk to recruits on the phone, they say, Hey, coach, who are you playing in the nonconference schedule? They want to know. When I say, We're playing USC, you can sense an excitement in a young man's voice. Kids want to play in marquee nationally televised games.

To be honest with you, I want the University of Minnesota to be on that stage. I want to play nationally televised games where a tremendous exposure is put on our program. And when you play USC, that happens.

We're going to play some other teams also that are going to give us exposure. I don't think there's a downside. I really don't. We're an ascending program the way I look at our program. We're going to keep getting better. We'll be up to the challenge of playing the type of schedules that we're going to play at Minnesota through the next couple of years.
The added hypothetical exposure will be beneficial, but only with wins and bowl games. The big name teams seem to be offset by the standard BCS cupcake menu. Other schools currently on the docket from 2010-2015 are South Dakota, North Dakota State, Syracuse {Also the opening game of the '09 season.}, San Jose State, UNLV, Western Illinois, Miami of Ohio, South Dakota State and Ohio {}. Naturally this is incredibly premature and open to an abundance of change. They could conceivably play none of these teams if a school with a bigger checkbook comes calling. A lot of scheduling comes down to the strength of a school and the luck of hitting big name teams on a down swing and avoiding mid-majors on an uptick.

The final result will be interesting to see, but it will be difficult to ignore Minnesota scheduling big name teams from out of the conference. Although it will be a meat grinder, we'll borrow words of wisdom from Wedding Crashers: Rule #76. No excuses. Play like a champion.

Irish Sport: Hurling

The stereotypical Irish jokes write themselves with the name of a national sport being hurling. But the great majority of utterly wasted folks in pubs were foreigners. But hurling has absolutely nothing to do with drinking.

The sport of hurling is something that cannot be explained and be fully grasped, it must be watched. I attempted to summarize it but check out DJ Carey {The Michael Jordan of hurling, or so I was told by some hurlers in Kilkenny.} and some other youtube hurling clips after the intro videos below:

Oh yeah, they don't get paid a dime for playing. They can do endorsements and that's it. It goes against all American ideals {Do something. Get paid.}, but it's admirable nonetheless. Hurlers have full time jobs and then train/play 40 hours a week at the highest level. Absolutely insane. There is also a women's league, but it's less popular, and the sport is called camogie. The money made by the GAA {Governing body of Gaelic sports} goes into development for the sport as well as cultural and community development. Hurling and Gaelic football {future post} were outlawed by the British in the early 20th century but continued to be played and resulted in the first Bloody Sunday at Croke Park {Which was fittingly the site of a major step to healing.}.

And one more odd rule that I can't wrap my head around is that the third guy in a fight will get sent off. Two guys can scrap a bit and it's cool, but even if the third man comes in to intercede peacefully, he gets punished. The thought process I guess is if you don't have a third in the fray, there will be no fourth, etc. {Clarified by Emmet in the comments.}

Guess that's a solid rule when you're having a few beverages to avoid doing some hurling of your own. But as wise Irishman Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself." So that's what I'm-a going to do.

*If you came here for American football and are still reading, Notre Dame beat Navy 54-27 at Croke Park in 1996 and will return in 2012.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Princeton Finally Gets Something Right!

The 2009 Princeton Review evaluations of colleges and universities came out today. Thousands upon thousands of potential college students will buy this guide, comb through it with wide eyes and pimpled faces seeing their potential futures on the pages infront of them; MIT: Engineers, Berkley: Organic Beet Farmers, Rutgers: Sopranos Extras, and now The University of Connecticut: MEATHEADS.
That's right, according to the Princeton Review UConn is now the #10 "Jock School" in the entire country (and Canada!). No, I did not bat an eye when I found out that my alma mater was at the forefront of Time Travel (yeah, it's true). But #10 Jock School, hell yes. Now that's something I can get my check book behind.

Linkage: Memorial to the Brickhouse

Walk On Boy back trying to get back in the blogging grove with some gratuitous Gopher retrophilia {HT: Brian Cook of The Sporting Blog and Smart Football.} celebrating the return to campus. Can we return to media guide photos like this please? I tried while I was in school, but the uptight photographers wouldn't allow it. The fact that I wasn't very good probably had something to do with it. Whatever.

Explore, enjoy and either be excited for the Gopher's returning to campus and the great outdoors or thankful that your team is already outside. {Unless you're a fan of Syracuse, Idaho or another team that plays in a dome.} However, I can already foresee people pining for the Metrodome during the first bad weather game at the Stadium-That Must-Not-Be-Named {And of course they didn't allow liquor sales.}. Any suggestions for a nickname on par with The Brickhouse?

Back to The ROC

Driving back to God's country today. That's right, Upstate New York.
Updates later today on a bunch of stuff.
But here's a preview: UConn QB zach frazer stops by, and he's looking slim, trim, and poised to win.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

FWG on ESPN 890

Yup, doing a spot before the Sox game. So tune in from 3:00 to 3:30 today on 890 ESPN BOSTON. Don't make this housekeeping walking in on me typing this on the pooper just now. ("I'm working...I swear. Rosa, come back!) Just listen in.

The Locker Room Dance

I'd like to make this post a "Part II" to the one I did a few months ago, "Tales From a YMCA Locker Room" This one might be even creepier, because unlike the poster children for senility I encountered strutting naked at the local YMCA, this one involves my father.

Yes, my father--the once proud New York State Supreme Court judge. I invited him to the most time honored of father-son traditions, a baseball game in July.

While the game has yet to be played, Friday night was an odd sort of ritual, testing our respective "comfortabilities" with each other, as we bunked up for the night at the Hyatt in Cambridge.

We got to the room, walked in the door and moments later we were staring a large room....with one king sized bed. After empty offers of "You take it." "No, you take it." and the accompanying argument points:

Dad: "You got the tickets."

Me: "I am the fruit of your loins"

Dad: "You've got the big interview in the morning" (side note: big interview = 30 minutes on ESPN 890...hence the free tickets)

Me: "You're much older, your fragile frame couldn't handle sleeping on the floor"

And so it went. I found myself on a rock hard cot, he in the luxury of a king size bed all to himself. Little did I know it would be the least awkward moment of our time together.

I was startled awake at an ungodly hour. Something like 5am. My crusty eyes slowly opening, to find my father at his lap top his underwear. I'm sure his colleagues in the legal profession will smile knowing that his latest column was written in a state of near nakedness, while his only son looked on in horror; The hour. The old skin. The giggles. What the hell is he doing up?

Like any two men sharing a space where a shower is involved, the rules of "manly naked-ness" applied. Towels adorned, unless drying. Talking kept to a minimum (anything revolving around a field or diamond is acceptable fodder). And above all: EYES ON THE ROAD. Well, our shower schedules had a slight overlap, him entering. Which meant the tail end of the "drying period" would be an all out battle for personal space.

Sure enough, my shower ended and I stepped back into the room and got a face full of nakedness, and an offer to make coffee. My silence must have been affirmation, because as he neared we were caught in a post-shower shuffle. To basically naked men, pacing back and forth, bobbing and weaving to get past each other. An awkward locker room dance. Social cues misinterpreted, thus leaving us powerless to get by each other. "God, please make it stop."

And it did. Eventually. But not before a long, strange silence hung in the room.

So today, my beloved Sox take on the Orioles. And while the memory of today's game might fade, this morning's events certainly will not.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Back To UConn

Back at UConn today for the first time in about 5 months. Crazy how some it never changes--checking in on summer workouts and saying hi to the coaches.
Ill have updates for you late today, maybe after the weekend.

As a side note: Tune in to the Sox game on Saturday. I'll be doing an interview on ESPN Boston. So check it out.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Why Rick? Why?

Every morning, I get up and ready my way through the offerings on NESN, Deadspin and ESPN. Like a moth to the light, I always find myself reading Rick Reilly's ESPN column. I fall into the category of someone who has enjoyed them for the most part over the years (I mean, his article on the little kid and Elway ( had me in tears). So while I agree with 99 percent of his first-person narratives, I’d throw his latest take on Tiger Woods ( into the 1 percent bucket.

Reilly lambasted Tiger for his "behavior" at Turnberry this past weekend:

    He'd hit a bad shot, turn and bury his club into the ground in a fit. It was two days of Tiger Tantrums -- slamming his club, throwing his club and cursing his club. In front of a worldwide audience. ... If there were no six-second delay, Tiger Woods would be the reason to invent it.

Sports today are different. Golf today certainly is not the gentleman's game it was even 10 or 15 years ago. But Reilly draws comparisons between Woods and golfers of a much different era:

    It's disrespectful to the game, disrespectful to those he plays with and disrespectful to the great players who built the game before him. Ever remember Jack Nicklaus doing it? Arnold Palmer?

Yes, Nicklaus and Palmer were great, but they did not exist in today's sports world. A world of millions of sponsorship dollars, commercials, 24/7 sports news, a world where Woods reigns king. Again, this is the modern sports world, where playing without emotion is like not playing at all.


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

If offered up summations of last week's wedding extravaganza in bits and pieces. Well here is another piece of the puzzle. In between casual conversation over chips and dip, I finally felt I had made some strides towards acceptance into the girlfriend's family.

And then like a lightning bolt from the Karma Police I was struck down in my tracks....

An unsuspecting FWG failed to note the weight limit on plastic lawn furniture. I sat down confidently and then promptly knocked backed to reality....but not before my significant other had time to capture it for posterity. God, I love first impressions.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

My Sincere Apology

I think perhaps an apology is order. My last blog post on UConn's contract with Notre Dame (was poorly formatted and/or worded). I definitely did not mean to give the impression that UConn had signed a 5 game contract with Notre Dame that involved no home games for the Huskies. Instead my commentary on the ridiculous "rumor mill" surrounding this game fed the fire instead of extinguishing it. Notre Dame's refusal to play in East Hartford has sparked much controversy and my thoughts were based on such reports that were issued prior to my post as fact. I have had assurances from UConn's Media Director Mike Enright that no such contract is in place and while talks with Notre Dame are still underway, specifics are still being worked out.
I strive to make this blog a unique perspective on college football, that of a former player--something you won't find anywhere else. In this case, I did nothing but contribute to the stereotype of irresponsible bloggers.

Questions On The UConn D-Line

Marcus Campbell (Bloomfield, Conn.) was dismissed from the University of Connecticut earlier this summer, citing academic reasons. The loss for the Huskies has sparked some questions amongst fans, players, and the UConn Coaching Staff: Who will fill the spots left by Cody Brown and Julius Williams. Both Brown and Williams were NFL quality players (now with Arizona and Jacksonville respectively). They compiled a staggering number of sacks during the 2008 season, not to mention providing impressive speed and strength off the edge. But what now? It was my sound belief that Campbell would provide the necessary speed from the edge while Lindsey Witten would be able to step up and provide the strength and athletic ability to stabilize the defensive end position, I had them both slated to be standout starters in the 2009. While Witten's future seems secure, the depth at defensive end may be lacking with Campbell now gone. Waiting in the wings are a plethora of players, however they lack experience. So here are my answers to the "Defensive End Question"....


My Irrestistible Dance Moves

Irresistible. Yup, that would be the word to best describe me on the dance floor. I am a man amongst boys out there. For instance this weekend I captivated an entire wedding party cutting a rug while employing these pieces of flare:

Turns out my dance floor majesty is more than just quick feet and suggestive hip movements. A German researcher found that men who's dancing was rated by women as "sexy" or "skillful" were generally physically stronger and more dominant than those who couldn't dance. Anthropologist Bernhard Fink concurs, "Its a primal response...more likely to produce healthy offspring." That's right. Its science.

Today's Final Thought...

Today's final thought has to do with the movies. More specifically double dating. Dinner and a movie. Me and my buddy Mike (names not changed, he's not innocent) were trying to figure out what movie to take our girlfriends to in Boston. We settled on "The Hurt Locker."

After several manly grunts and exchanges that resembled two 6 year-olds playing with G.I. Joes we realized it would be near impossible to sell our girlfriends on attending a movie called "The Hurt Locker." But below is our best efforts:

Me: ...its a timeless story. A man. His desire for hurt. A locker. All set against Victorian England, its love in the time of Cholera meets the English patient meets Sleepless in Seattle.

Mike: Its a romantic comedy. Love and hate, ya know? A man at odds with his life and love.....
The Break Up 2: the Hurt Locker

Monday, July 20, 2009

Why You Shouldn't Go To South Florida

Followers of this blog will note that originally I had posted some "witty remarks" on USF kicker Maikon Bonani's 35 foot fall off an amusement park ride at Busch Gardens. They were in poor taste and I'd like to retract them---I never should have posted it. Insensitive of me. The bottom line is he is lucky to be alive, and no player wants to see their career cut short. I've been avoiding the "last game" at all costs---going so far as to play in Austria. So I'd like to wish him a full recovery---and a few missed kicks against UConn.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

The Vatican Jig

I dedicate this to Darius Butler and Cody Brown. who both taught me these sweet moves.

If someone can tell me how the hell to flip this video, shoot me an email

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Wedding Date

A few months back I did a "Final Thoughts" on how my girlfriend was not inviting me to her cousin's wedding, but rather she was interviewing me. I informed her of my certain attributes:
"Well, Girlfriend. I am a shameless dancer, I will charm everyone with my mandatory flower girl and/or grandma waltz, and I won't get hit on any of your relatives or kin"

And just like that, the job was mine. Well, fast forward a few months and the time is upon us. Only this isn't a one day event. Its the IronMan of Weddings. A Tour de France of Nuptials. A week long extravaganza. Now, making a good impression is important, obviously. But with several former college football players in the bloodlines, and the wedding planner informing me "Oh yes, we sat you right next to the (open) bar" Id like to now think of this less as me schmoozing for a few hours and more of God testing me.

One slip up and that whole "My Best Friend's Wedding" romantic comedy crap will be out the window. I can see this thing devolving into meatheads invade open mic night and dollar drafts all rolled into one. Wish me luck.

Breaking News! (sort of....)

All must bow before Touchdown Jesus!

Notre Dame has changed its contract with University of Connecticut football program. Perhaps I've missed the "debate bubble" on this one. I'll chalk it up to being in Europe where the only football of importance was played on a "pitch" with guys named Ronaldinho or Beckham and Euro-Mullets flapped in the wind as the gallivanted about. But imagine my surprise when I set foot back on American soil--my heart swelling with pride, only to find out that my alma mater had been bullied by the self-proclaimed "greatest program in the history of college football" into signing a deal for five home games in South Bend.
The traditional practice of small-market teams signing a "2 and 1" (two away, one home) contract with a large market team has apparently been thrown out the window. Instead this time honored practice has been replaced by some ludicrous and over the top bullying, which surprisingly has left UConn with no games to be played Rentschler Field or any other New England stadium against the Fighting Irish.


Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Yeah, the long and arduous journey is finally over. I am back on American soil. I'd have to say the highlight of my trip was seeing Rome and the Colosseum. I'd like to insert my mandatory "football players are modern day gladiators" comment here. But I'll spare you. Instead, I'll take a small bow and entertain you with pictures. Yes, creative writing and intriguing blogging is being replaced with eye-candy. A straight to your brain, inter venous shot of pure delight. Enjoy.

I'm a meat head. Get over it.

"I hate dem Italians!"
"But I am SWISS!"
"uh...DEM TOO!"
Here the Swiss Guard stands, ever vigilant. No one enters Fiat parking without proper identification. And I mean no one.

St. Peters.

And For My Next Trick...

I will make all my dignity disappear.

My final column is up on Deadspin. Yes this one has two things going for it: Me in a Speedo and several references to "6 inches" and "my block." Just click the link and enjoy. Also, I'd like to note in this most public of forums that my sister and I are finally even. The debt has been settled.

Click HERE, you animals

Sunday, July 12, 2009

ARod and Guest Posting.

Nothing like watching A-Rod blow it in the 9th. Tremendous.

Off to a wedding in Upstate New York, expect guest posts this week. And if you've got something good you want on Thoughts From a Fat White Guy, email it to me. If it's good enough, it will go up.
If it doesn't, well---don't quit your day job.


Thursday, July 9, 2009

Welcome Back To America

I'll keep this short--expect more sports content in the coming days.
But my first act on American soil: Order a cheeseburger, extra ketchup (yes, Heinz).

My second act? Open my mail---apparently I am not out of the reach of the long arm of the Austrian law. That's right, the Klagenfurt police have mailed me a $250.00 dollar speeding ticket. Registered mail. Will I be paying?
Chicken McDoubt it.

Anyway, I'm back. And the celebrity death-toll has climbed to untold heights.--what the hell did you people do while I was gone?
Apparently no more moon-walking. Or OxyClean.

God bless America. And Wakefield's knuckle ball (apparently the good years start at 42)

Sunday, July 5, 2009

FWG: A Man and His Hot Dog

Perhaps the greatest of all the phalic-sympol sports, The Nathan's Fourth Of July Hot Dog Contest has come to embody the true American spirit: Overeating and dominating the Japanese. Today you can put a big check mark in the W column for the good ol' U.S of A. Taste it Japan.(As I type this from the Tuscan country side, the Italians are confused about my impromptu U-S-A! chants and why I keep asking for firecrackers. These boots are back on American soil on July 8th. Get excited.)

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Out of the office...

I apologize for the lack of updates lately. I just returned from a coaching a youth football camp which is equal parts rewarding because of the excitement and the learning ability and comical because of the language, cultural differences and the fact that they are kids. An exchange:

- Nice job, but don't backpedal.
- I wasn't backpedaling, I was running backwards.
- (Stunned silence.)

And now I'm out for a two week holiday in Ireland while The Fat White Guy continues his romp around Europe with the ladyfriend. Follow him at twitter. I'm not that high tech. Nor do I possess the necessary discretion.

Happy Fourth ladies and gents. Eat, drink, and blow stuff up. Do it for America.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot - Travel Edition

Once more proving my hunch that it's not even worth trying to make things up. Reality will top anything you dream up {Thanks to the ever vigilant Bee.}:

The Dog Ate My Passport

EAU CLAIRE, Wis. -- A Wisconsin teenager using a classic excuse for evading
schoolwork missed a class trip to Peru despite his tale being true: The dog
ate his passport.

Officials at Chicago's O'Hare airport told 17-year-old Jon Meier the
chewed-on document was fine, but authorities in Miami rejected it and wouldn't
let him board the southbound aircraft.

His family's 1-year-old golden retriever, Sunshine, chewed a corner of the
document, obscuring some numbers. Meier couldn't get another passport in time to
join the trip with his Spanish class from Eau Claire North High School. The
12-day trip ended Monday.

Meier says he can't blame anyone, not even Sunshine: "I love her too

Let this be a lesson to all. Your passport is gold. You can lose anything and everything else and make the trip work as long as you have your traveling papers. Without it, not at all. Even with your sick money belt or fanny pack. {Also double check your travel date. Almost showed up on Monday for a Sunday flight. That probably wouldn't have worked out all that well. And I've walked through an airport trying to find a buddy who wouldn't arrive for another 24 hours. Not good things.}

If you don't have a passport, get one {You can't go to Canada or Mexico without one.} If you do, put it in a safe place outside of the dog's reach.