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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Bienvenidos a Espana

After our 54-7 routing last week, the bye week was met with much anticipation. Packed up my bag and took off to Spain with our TE Ryan. Couldn't have been a better trip (you see the FWG
speaks Spanish). After visiting every tourist spot possible and setting up my unsuspecting teammate by telling waitresses and bartenders that he wanted to make "sweet, passionate love to them"...this trip: Success!

The Olympic stadium.

Glamour Shots by Deb 50% off for a limited time only.

This is my "playboy" but pose...@ olympic park

JBurd--in this case paella> NFl Draft
(Interview posted in a few hours)

That would be sheep's head, sheep's tongue, sheep/cow stomach, and of course...sheep's testicles. Ahhhh, a taste of Spain.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I Dropped The Ball On Uconn And The Draft

Exclusive interviews and pictures coming soon. I promise. I was in Spain for the NFL draft.

This Week's Sign Of The Apocalypse

First the swine flu, now this.

Penfield, NY---the BIRTHPLACE of the Fat White Guy. I cannot be held responsible for this, I'm all the way in Europe, but they ran out of chicken. It is a sad day for Upstate New Yorkers, and an even sadder day for hungry Americans. All those empty stomachs, craving $4.99 worth of deep fried chicken flesh and biscuits, gravy.
Shame on you Popeyes. Shame on you Penfield.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Mel Kiper: Scoutin' The Ladies

This is a great video. Try to ignore the Rutgers sweatshirt.

The Last Supper

"...and FWG said to his deciples, take this Big Mac, eat it, and think of me--for this is the fuel of fatness and the burger of your salvation"

I promise you that I have never been a big fast food guy. However, around Austria the only place to get really delicious, really fattening food without breaking the bank happens to be America's greatest contribution to the world (besides handguns and democracy) that's right, McDonalds.
My roommates Dave and Ryan decided to come along to document the experience, of course with the obligatory taunts about how I'd "be fat forever" and I needed to stop "eating my emotions." Best of all though, was the look from the cashier when I said "Yah, Ummmm I'll have Big Mac mit Pommes.....3 cheeseburgers..." "Yah your total iz.." "No, no, no, sweet heart, Im not done yet. Coca-cola, Chicken nuggets, anddddd....a milk-shake"
And with that I had confirmed every stereotype of Americans. Not mad.
Enjoy the pictures.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Winning is Overrated

You know lately I have been distracted by trying to run the Formerly Fat White Guy Project. I forgot all about our most recent game. Here's the story:

Winning is overrated

We played at the Olympic Stadium in Innsbruck, Austria this past weekend. Driving through the former Olympic village and walking the same halls once occupied by Olympic greats was truly awe-inspiring.

The romance ended there.

The Innsbruck Raiders are loosely affiliated with the Oakland Raiders, and as far as I’m concerned, we were playing in the Coliseum with Tommy Kelly teeing off on our quarterback.

The 54-7 end score doesn’t offer much resistance to that theory at all.

Sure, I’d like to blame the referees (who, by my estimation, have a remedial understanding of the game), but so much more than a few bad calls happened. It was Murphy’s Law out there. Our starting center went down and I had to start snapping the shot gun; our offense marched 80 yards down field and turned the ball over in the red zone, and it gets returned for six.

The Rest HERE

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Meet The Fatties

The Formerly Fat White Guy Project is OFFICIALLY underway.

So after sifting through hundreds, if not thousands of emails. I have found my chosen few.

Meet The Fat Guys:

Pat: He’s Fat

Meet Fat Pat. Pat is fat. Watch Pat eat. Watch Pat walk. Pat walks slow.

Fat Pat hails from the state of Massachusetts. Another former football player, resigned to a life of mediocrity, stuck in a cubicle 8 hours a day. Pat now passes the day eating his feelings.

That’s Mr. Walk-on-Boy, to you

This next picture comes to us all the way from Sweden (by way of Minnesota). His name is also Pat, aka Walk-on-Boy, who tells us that “playing European football, coupled with mid-week drinking-sans social stigma” has left him in need to drop a few LB’s. This picture, which he took solely for this contest is like a car accident, I need to keep driving, but I..can't…look…away.

The Local Flavor: Meet Martin

Martin is the biggest man in Austria. Literally. Here’s his story (in his words):

After 17 years of almost no sports 2 classmates of mine returned from their high school exchange year in the US with 2 footballs in their luggage. Not knowing any rules we decided to play football instead of the regular sports classes. Then I met a guy at some party who mentioned that he played football in Vienna.

Thursday after the party I joined the first practice.

So a 12 year O-line career began.

The problem is this was 1988. While weighing in at around 120kg (265lbs) as a player---eating the same and not playing has gotten me to 180 kg (296lbs). BRING ON THE CHALLENGE!

The Underachiever: Meet Tony

A lot of people go to school for 9 years, we call them doctors. But in this case, we’ll call him “Tony.” Tony sent me an email telling me that he was basically a chronic underachiever and in keeping with that theme would only be trying for second place, meaning he’d get to take over the blog for a day, score a free t-shirt, and go back to his life of mediocrity. I like his commitment (or lack thereof?). Anyway, Tony weights in a clean 310lbs.

Bonus Points: Tony has a website: Tobacco Juice Sports (heavy on the Skoal, light on the boring).

Football Fatty: Meet Morgan.

Insert Guten Morgen pun here. Morgan, another former football player making his way in the exciting world of medical device sales, has had a few problems with his weight. He’s on the right track, and he’s nearly my cousin so I had to put him in (ahhh nepotism at its finest).

And then there was Tex…

“ I don’t remember where Tex was from”-Forest Gump (see what I just did there.)

I told you skinny-fat counted.

“Ryan” who will hence forth be referred to as TEX comes to us from the state where everything is bigger, including his waist line. In his words, “Fried chicken, bacon cheeseburgers, twinkies, and excessive amounts of candy are among my weekly consumptions that contribute to my physique. Also, my fat hood includes a great deal of sloth which is also another reason I should be a candidate.” Oh Tex, you had me at fried chicken.

New York Times: Donny Brown For President!

Insert your "what can Brown do for you" pun here. Donny Brown--a fantastic individual, as the New York Times reports:

RED BANK, N.J. — In the weeks and days leading to the N.F.L. draft, a typical prospect may spend his free time thumbing through catalogues featuring fancy sports cars, gaudy jewelry and high-priced houses.

Donald Brown, who was the leading rusher in the country last season with the University of Connecticut, has spent much of his time in the last few weeks going through hundreds of essays written by high school football players seeking to attend a mentoring conference that Brown has organized.

A lot of people say, you’re not even in the N.F.L. yet, why are you doing this?” Brown said during an interview last week at Red Bank Catholic, where he went to high school. “It’s because I have a platform and the resources, so I might as well use them. I wish I had this opportunity when I was growing up. I would have been the kid sitting in the front row, wide-eyed, listening and taking notes.”

Read the rest HERE

Monday, April 20, 2009

This Week's Sign Of The Apocalypse

This dog hates the Word of the Lord. This dog shall be smited by the Almighty-Smiter.
The fact that the dog is mad at Jesus is a bad sign, even worse is that this qualifies as entertainment.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Meet Kevin Weiss

With The Formerly Fat White Guy Project underway (registration closes on Saturday), it's time for you to meet the man helping with all this. Football in Austria is a little short on strength and conditioning coaches and nutritionists. Kevin Weiss has agreed to help the FWG achieve his goals.
Kevin is a native of Alberta, Canada and a competitive natural body builder. His life has stretched the spectrum of strength and conditioning, from power lifting (personal bests of 567lbs. in the squat, 463lbs. in the bench press, and 573lbs. in the deadlift, at a bodyweight of 196 lbs.) to natural body building (where he has won at the provincial, national, and international levels), his years of experience and training make him invaluable. In this day and age of performance enhancing drugs, Kevin has been a lifelong natural bodybuilder.
He has signed on to this project with the hopes of turning my football physique into something more palatable for the general public.

Kevin is also offering his services to all FWG readers at a discount. His services are unmatched in quality--and as I have already learned--he will hold you to the highest standard of excellence.
Get in touch with him.

The ball drops on Sunday. Get your minds right.
I'm off to an away game in Innsbruck.
Other famous personal trainers:

Thursday, April 16, 2009

What If Things Turned Out Differently?

The video I have posted here is hilarious. Enjoy the video, and remember entry closes on Friday for THE FORMERLY FAT WHITE GUY PROJECT.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Walkon Boy: Being Fat--A Lifetime Membership

Meet "Walkon-Boy"--his name is Patrick, he was a walk on at Minnesota, and much like me hasn't given up the dream of playing football. While I toil in Austria, Pat is in Sweden--doing whatever it is Swedes do best (which by my account is Dip SNUZ and play hockey). Anyway--since The Formerly Fat White Guy Project is OFFICIALLY UNDERWAY, Pat wrote something for all the nay-sayers our there, who want me to to stay fat. I'd also suggest, checking out his blog, it's hilarious. Anway, Enjoy:

There was a bit of backlash when FWG mentioned chronicling his weight loss efforts. Some people were disheartened that the self-appointed Fat White Guy would be dropping the fat from his body. Rob asked me to write a piece explaining the 'lifetime membership' concept of the Fat club {if he goes reverse Michael Jackson and has a sex change operation - then we may have some problems.}As a former fat white guy, and current chubby white guy, I am here to say that once you have learned the true ways of fatness there is no way to unlearn them. Essentially, you have a lifetime membership in the corpulent fraternity for which there can be no double secret probation {And your parents don't even need to be rich to buy your friends!}.

Here are my fat white guy qualifications:

- I entered college at 217 lbs and left in the 280-ish category. This was achieved by cramming 4-5 meals in my mouth every day. It sounds fun, and it is for about two weeks. After that, the constant attention is almost as draining as {what I imagine} trying to lose weight is. Also, living with four offensive lineman helped the cause, there was always food in the house. Or someone making a food run.

- My nickname was 'Fatty Paddy' the second half of my college career.

- And to prove that fatness is a lifetime trait that you can't unlearn, I put down a triple burger with over a pound of meat on it last weekend without too much of a hassle. The next day the burger brought a bit of discomfort, but so it goes.

Being a fat guy is a bit like learning martial arts, training and mental toughness allow one to progress up something like the belt system. {I am not aware of one, but that may be the next quest - to codify a ranking system of fat proficiency.} And even though you may stop training in El Gordo Dojo, you will always have the lessons learned to help you along the way.

Here are some of the lessons learned {Most of it can be summed up in the eloquent Bar Darwinism post}:

- Being interesting: Skill or glamour postion players in life feel like people will automatically defer to them, and most of the time that is the case. However, fatties need to be either entertaining or intelligent to garner attention. Hell, some of the time just by being fat is interesting enough.

- Humor: Fat people are funny. It's science. Part of it may be by beating people to the punch making fun of oneself then people allow more leeway when fat people poking fun at others. Self-deprecation as a means of protection. Offensive lineman are typically the funniest guys on a football team. At Minnesota, before games they had joke time in the locker room before they went out to warm up.

- Thick Skin: The world is a cruel and unfair place. Fat guys realize that a lot sooner than most, and therefore are usually much better at dealing with it, being persistent and turning negatives into positives.

The positives of fatness are many, but people you love want you to stick around for a while, and if losing weight helps you do that, it's something that can't be all that bad. FWG, and anyone else who wants to lose weight will always be fat at heart and they'll carry their fat skills for the rest of their life. When I dropped about twenty pounds basically by not working out as hard and eating a more realistic amount of food, my joints felt better, I had more energy - and my grandma {Who is the sweetest lady in the world and who's most vicious taunt in card games is : 'That's niiiice.'} even added some lard-ass levity by saying, "But Patrick, you were so... biiiiiiiig."

You can take the fat off a white guy, but there will aways be a little fat left in the white guy.

Visit more of Pat at:

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Formerly Fat White Guy

A while back in "Final Thoughts" I floated the idea of losing some weight. Well after some e-mails contacts, and discussions with my arteries, I have decided to launch The Formerly Fat White Guy Project. I have enlisted the help of the very best in the business of weight loss, Kevin Weiss (a natural body builder--from Canada--but we'll forgive him for that). But the The Project is not just about me (how boring would that be?). Instead I am asking you (that's right--you) the reader to participate:


First prize: 2 FWG T-shirts (of your choosing)
and TWO (2) FREE tickets to a UConn Football game (home or away)
Second Prize: 2 FWG T-shirts--and ownership of the blog for a day
Third Prize:
1 FWG T-shirt of your choosing do I enter?
Email me ( a "before" picture--along with 200-300 words on your "Fat-Hood" *Remeber--skinny-fat counts too!
We will post the "contestants" at the end of this week.
A "winner" will be chosen on July 18th.
Based on total weight loss/physical improvement/best story

Get to it!

Friday, April 10, 2009

This Week's Sign Of The Apocalypse">Well, This Week's Sign Of The Apocalypse was a no-brainer. I am always a fan of the "screen shot" because working on a computer you have to enjoy life's simple pleasures. This one comes from two fans who live in a "Fra-tirement home" together. What is a Fra-tirement home? That is an abode occupied by 3 or more gentleman in their mid to late 20's who are still holding on to the dream of college--but must occupy normal existances in the "real world." Their weekends are still filled with blackouts, beer pong, and enough Skoal to make Trot Nixon jealous. Anyway, a little background--these two gentleman had a mangey dog occupying their property, so they decided to research ways to humanely remove the dog from their property. They decided spraying fake "wolf urine" all over the place would be their best bet.

Well apparently you can find everything on Check it out.

Pay special attention to the "Customers Who Also Bought" section.A close up:
( you may have to click to view)

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Welcome To The Alps, Suckah!

Decided to take a mid-week ski trip. Enter me, a "life long snowboarder" (read: can get down the mountain in one piece) and 4 people that have never set foot on a mountain. Hilarity ensues.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

When You Have A Blog...No One Trusts You

When you have a blog, no one trusts you.
And maybe with good reason. After being coerced into performing her Black Lions' cheerleading routine (under false promises of anonymity) Jennifer Henry and the rest of the players enjoyed a good laugh. For the record, whenever someone is taping, chances are it's going to end up on YouTube.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

First Away Game Pictures

Monday, April 6, 2009


We went on the road this Saturday to Salzburg. Does Salzburg sound familiar? Well it should--Mozart was born there and it's where the Sound of Music was filmed. And while we were short on singing ex-nuns and Nazi sympathizers, there was plenty of hard-nosed football to go around.

The Salsburg Bulls came into the contest with a 1-0 record--and it appeared that they were going to make it 2 -0. After marching 80 yards down field for our first score, we decided that,"Well, the fans paid good money for these seats, let's make it interesting." and promptly let the Bulls return the kickoff for 6.

We blocked the extra point...the silver lining on the shit storm that was the first half.
A few more blocked extra points, and the score was 18-9 at halftime.

Then one of the strangest moments of my entire football career. I never thought we could top last week, when I called my own holding penalty--but sure enough T.I.A. (This Is Austria). As we went on another long drive our QB, D.J. Hernandez, launched a ball into the endzone and it was picked off and returned to their 35 yard line. However, the endzone was full of the yellow laundry.

Try and follow me on this next part.

After the interception, in the endzone there was a personal foul.
Not only did this negate the interception--but we were given a safety--and then got the ball back, as they kicked off to us.

I am literally running out of ways to describe my shear shock and disbelief. I then informed D.J. that this was like Tecmo Super Bowl and their was some glitch in the game.
The second half we came out swinging--and with stellar play on defense (3 sacks, 12 tackles by the FWG) including equally amazing play by our two DTs (3 sacks and 7 tackles between them) we held on to win 30-18.

Highlights from the game included:
When Bearnd (computer expert, NFL Prospect, and all around good guy) flat backed the QB and got sent out of the game.
Playing the entire game in a borrowed pair of cleats, a size too small, because I'm a flat out idiot and forgot mine.
The utter confusion that I caused telling the official that he needed to take Midol for his cramps (I swear this stuff is funny back in the states).

Again, more free beer after the game, and at the celebratory dinner.

And of course--halftime cigarette breaks.