Thoughts From a Fat White Guy

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2009-08-28T10:28:00.002-04:00

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NEW SITE IS UP!

2009-08-25T09:50:00.001-04:00

ALL POSTS FOR THOUGHTS FROM A FAT WHITE GUY CAN NOW BE FOUND AT

www.TheFatWhiteGuy.com

Enjoy the new site

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Two Of The Best Guys I Know

2009-08-24T10:08:00.006-04:00

Coach Edsall announced that Alex Molina and Marcus Easley, former walk-ons are now on scholarship.

Both Easley and Molina are quietly the two of the best guys I have ever met, had the privilege of playing with, and even more distinct privilege of calling my friends.

But did you know....

Alex Molina is a water sports junkie. Yes, he's probably more at home on the river or ocean than the gridiron (see below) he also has the best hands on the team. With out exception or compromise anyone that really knows UConn Football knows that Molina is like fly paper out there.

Marcus Easley is a Connecticut native who I have been told has roots in Glastonbury (that's up for debate---but I heard him and Edsall used to be neighbors). Not to mention this past year he quietly became one of the top performers on the offense; and building off of a strong spring. Also, Easley bares a striking resemblance to that guy in HBO's The Wire. See for yourself:

Again, a big congratulations to these two deserving guys.

New Website

2009-08-24T09:37:00.002-04:00

The new blog design is launching this week. Get excited!

Unfortunately that means that blog posts will be at a minimum---keep yourself busy.

This Week's Sign Of The Apocalypse

2009-08-19T11:08:00.003-04:00

Introducing "Kitlers".....

www.CatsThatLookLikeHitler.com Does your cat look like Adolf Hitler? Do you wake up in a cold sweat every night wondering if he's going to up and invade Poland?

And there's video...

Today, I Feel Stupid.

2009-08-19T10:00:00.001-04:00

Yes it's true, and No, it doesn't happen often. But today, I feel stupid. I am now a resident of Massachusetts---and part of my indoctrination includes weekending in the Vineyard (excuse me, "Vin-yahd"). So there I am, somewhere around The Cape, really admiring my life. In between practicing dropping my "R's" and drinking Sam Adams, I almost drove off the road:

Now, I grew up in Upstate New York. Say what you will about that part of the country, but we never had a "Meat Raffle." Shit, I don't even know what that is. I assume they are auctioning off meat products, or cuts of meat. It is either that or they are coyly advertising some male-escort service at the local V.F.W. I am the LAST one to insult any V.F.W. Post (I am a Veteran, dude)---so someone tell me, this sort of thing common in Massachusetts? And if so, I want in.

Training Camp Revisited

2009-08-18T06:36:00.000-04:00

Look for my check in on UConn's Media Day today on NESN.COM....until then, enjoy notes from last year's training camp:

July 31, 2008

Training camp is like a dentist appointment, you dread it all month long, you see its impending approach, and when it's finally there you are sweaty and nervous and your heart races. Only unlike a dentist appointment it wont last an hour, the professional to whom you've entrusted your care isn’t trying to make you as comfortable as possible, and there really is no way to dull the pain of two-a-days.

It’s a combination of Christmas day excitement and what I think the proverbial lamb must feel on its way to slaughter. Everyone has their little routines that get them mentally prepared for the torture that lies ahead. Walking into our training camp dormitories I looked down at the carpet and thought to myself, “What is it with these industrial carpet patterns?” I read somewhere once that they make those patterns a certain way, especially in Las Vegas, to hide dirt and grit while at the same time keeping people alert. To me it's almost nauseating. The pattern of dark and light crisscross and checkered borders will only remind me of one thing: being a terrified 18 year old embarking on his first real college experience. Not eating in a dining hall, or attending his first class--instead, moving into a dorm with 104 people he didn’t know and playing a game that for the first time in his life was foreign to him. But my routine has been the same for almost 5 years now.

Go to wholesale club. Buy bottled water, Gatorade, cashew nuts, and one tin of chewing tobacco. While the water and Gatorade are for hydration, the nuts are a calorie-dense food that I consume before bed in the hopes of maintaining my weight (which I never do). And the tobacco, my most grievous vice, is to keep me awake for the endless cycle of meetings that will I will endure in the weeks to come.

Training camp is a completely outdated practice. Going back to the very roots of football, back when there was an actual “off-season” and the purpose of a two-a-day was to get the out of shape lumberjacks and insurance and car salesmen back in shape. The problem is that in football today, from professional to pee wee, there really isn’t a true “off-season." The modern football landscape and the desire for elite athletes to perform at elite levels means that after the fall there is winter conditioning and weight lifting. After the winter there is spring football practice (and more weightlifting); after the spring there is summer conditioning and lifting, and summer leads right back into fall.

But the only purpose of training camp I see that is still relevant is to turn the unfocused into machines, let go of politics and social matters (only concerns for the outside world), and become a drone memorizing defenses and formations and blocking schemes and countless line stunts. In his 1982 football recollection, The End of Autumn, one-time Kansas City Chiefs center Michael Oriard wrote "thinking was an unwanted burden, it was easier to stumble from bed to practice field, from meal to meeting, without much reflection." Under Oriard’s (astute) observation, I should probably stop writing right now. The truth is I have very little in common with the training camps of the 1920s and 30s that were associated with the birth of modern football. I am not sequestered miles from the nearest modern amenity; I sit in a college dorm with a fan, internet access, a TV, DVD player, and a cell phone.

But the grind of football is the same. Two-a-day workouts in the summer heat are still two-a-day workouts in the summer heat. And a yelling football coach is still a yelling football coach. And being out of touch with society (and reality for that matter) is also a burden. We miss girlfriends and parents and showering alone. We miss our own beds and actually being treated like adults who can manage their own time. Instead, every minute of every day is mapped out in a way that would make the Marines jealous.

What I really can't understand is that no player enjoys training camp, yet most players eventually become coaches, or should I say most coaches were once players. Yet none of them have done away with this ridiculous practice. It's like the minute the whistle blows on the last play of your last game, your mind starts to work backwards, erasing all those days you were sweating and puking your guts out in the high sun of August, and you begin to romanticize about how "when I played, men were tougher and coaches more informed--the game was harder." No. Training camp sucks. But perhaps it is a necessary evil to ensure that the bonds and ties to the game from generation to generation are never broken. After all, misery loves company.

"Leave me no compromise on things half done. Keep me with a stern and stubborn pride, and when the last fight is won, God keep me still unsatisfied."

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

2009-08-17T07:00:00.000-04:00

Our team nutritionist at UConn had me eating about 8,000 calories a day, trying to put on 1 a week. Michael Phelps ate 12,000 calories a day. BOOM! Olympic gold. Here, these fat guys are pioneers, showing how all of America can have a little piece of Olympic gold.

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

2009-08-14T10:22:00.002-04:00

You know, some people might call what you just saw gross, disgusting, even shameful. Well guess what? Not me. No, I call this guy courageous. First of all where did he get that outfit? You gotta assume that's a custom job--- no way they make that leotard in his size. And then to put this on YouTube for the world to see? This is why I love America and the rest of the world hates us.

Breaking News: I'm Playing Another Season With UConn

2009-08-13T11:16:00.001-04:00

Seriously...

Just wrote the blog here.

-FWG

UConn Training Camp: Facebook Confidential

2009-08-13T06:45:00.001-04:00

With training camp officially underway in Storrs and the weather unseasonably hot, I thought I'd check in with the players to get their take on camp thus far. No--not through tedious interviews and unreturned voicemails. Instead I went to the king of all social media, Facebook, to find out what is really going on at camp. Here's what I discovered:

Captain Robert Reggie McClain:
"practice number 2 in like two hours....unreal heat brah..."

Senior RB Andre Dixon is his usual energetic self:

"In camp!!!!!!!!........ Today was the hottest day ever........ Do WhateVeR iT TAkEs to WIN!!!!!!!"

UPDATE:
link fixed! Enjoy
Read the rest HERE

The UFL Draft: Part II

2009-08-11T11:05:00.000-04:00

So here is Part II of the UFL Draft. Yesterday, I did defense. Today Fatpickle has done Offense. The Interjections in italics are mine (FWG).

UFL DRAFT: PART II - OFFENSE

1) Travis Henry –
The great thing about Travis, we are guaranteed to have 18 people at the game if his 9 children and 9 different baby mommies show up. Possible contraceptive sponsorship here.
FWG:And if the UFL is successful, in later years his fan base will only expand exponentially. Consider this a sound investment, season ticket sales through the roof. Travis Henry: The gift the keeps on giving.
(There are an astounding amount of former Bills in this draft)

2)Plaxico Burress – I think he’s the perfect fit for the run and shoot offense. I must ask you FWG, why would one carry a loaded weapon in their pants inches from their junk? That’s a different kind of game of Russian roulette.
FWG: I'll tell you when; when one has nothing to lose. Its a metaphor?

3) Donte Stallworth –
I like my wide receivers smart and elusive. If you can kill a man and only serve 30 days in jail, you fit that bill. Just try to contain him.
FWG: See, this is when I wished Stallworth played baseball. Hit-n-Run references....too soon?

4) Jamal Lewis –
So he financed a major drug deal for his buddies he grew up with… big deal? Why is it always the buddies you grew up with that get you in trouble? As far as I know the buddies I grew up with would like me to finance a sleeve of wiffleballs and a package of oatmeal cream pies. Consider it done…I just want my cut.
FWG: You know, we used to call that "being a good friend." Troubled times. Troubled times.

5 Nate Newton –
5 weeks after getting arrested for having 213 lbs of pot in his van, Newton was arrested again. This time he only had the van loaded down with 175lbs! It’s obvious that Nate Newton is no quitter and he’s not going to lie down on me. Well he may lay down if he’s sampling the product, but I like his never give up attitude.
FWG:
A. Sampling the product never hurt anyone, right Ricky Williams?
B. I agree with this pick, Newton is obviously down with the whole "weight loss thing" 213lbs to 175lbs? Expect a leaner/meaner Newton in his UFL Debut.

6) Timmy Smith
– I met Timmy the season after his big super bowl game, I’m not sure if the Redskins knew he was a crack head, but I could tell he was, even as a 14 year old. He was shakier than my friend’s ex-wife on a business trip… she bounced more balls in Vegas than Donovan Mcnabb bounces on the Lincoln Financial turf.
FWG: Did you have a Mean Joe Green moment, where instead of tossing a used jersey on you, he chucked his crack-pipe at you can called you a white devil?

7) Maurice Clarett –
We have to have some guns and ammo on the offensive side of the ball to offset Tank Johnson. Plus, we need to get our goose on! I also heard that Maurice is a pro at the dine-and-dash, which could come in helpful at away games.
FWG: I knew a guy who played with him at State. Clarett used to lift weights with Grey Goose in his water bottle. Getting his "Goose on." If you can workout drunk, you can play in the UFL. I'm gonna trademark that.

8)Ryan Leaf
– I like a drinker and my shoulder has been f*#king killing me…I think Ryan can get me something to make it feel better.
FWG: A ballsy move asking one of your players for pain killers. It is exactly that kind of heart and determination that servers him well on the field. And potential nickname: "The Oxycontin Cowboy" ...food for thought.

9) Doug Ramey - I was going to pick Art Schlichter here, but then I thought...I know a better drunk QB with a gambling problem. Yep, that's none other than Fatpickle in 1987. A couple observations from this picture.

A. I have no socks on because my good friend Eli Berry enjoyed pissing on my socks in the locker room. This went on during football and basketball season, thankfully he didn't play baseball.

B. It was perfectly acceptable to play football in 1987 without socks on...I had the whole Miami Vice thing working.
C. I was making out with a lot more chicks than you were in 1987!
FWG: The Make-a-Wish foundation wants their wish back. Embarrassing.
...and yes, in 1987 I was one year old.

10) Cecil Collins -
This guy was the real deal. Big, strong and fast…if only breaking into a woman’s apartment and masturbating in the closet wasn’t illegal. It would have been a simple B&E if he hadn’t been caught with a loaded gun in his hand!
FWG: Masturbating in a closet? See, some people still do enjoy life's simple pleasures.

11) Michael Irvin -
He's never met a corner that he couldn't push off from...just don't let him in the training room. Michael + scissors = bad news!
FWG: A few years back I was dating a girl who was asked out on a date by Michael Irving. Turns out this "date" was a trip to the ESPYS. She said no. I broke up with her. The end.

The UFL Draft: Part I

2009-08-10T07:00:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago, the pillars of secrecy held their annual meeting. No, not Skull and Bones or The Illuminati. Instead an organization shrouded in even deeper mystery: The United Football League. A few weeks ago the UFL held their draft; Like a crazy game of "Who's Line" no one knew the rules, who was drafted, and another similarity--I'm pretty sure next season the points won't matter. So in lieu of me talking about who was actually drafted, I'd like to present to you the 11 draft picks for my UFL Fantasy team:

The interjections in bold are the work of fellow blogger, Fat Pickle. He runs his own blog FATPICKLED which is pretty sweet. It's a Redskins/Orioles/useless pop culture blog.

UFL DRAFT: PART II - OFFENSE

Defense:
1) Ray Lewis
In the UFL we are all about character issues, so who better than the star linebacker who killed a man. I mean on the field terror is nothing if you can compliment it with off the field insanity. If Fatpickle can draft Michael Vick, than I can take Ray Lewis. Dogfighting has nothing on Murder One.

Ray didn't actually commit said murder, he's got people to do that. So, I will not be approaching Ray or his posse with any negative thoughts about your first round pick.

2) Lawrence Taylor
He's aged considerably well, you know...despite thew whole cocaine thing. The most dominant player of his era, now says he cares more about watching pornography that watching football. Spotty criminal history? Lack of interest in football? Likes porn? Game. Set. Match. LT is a perfect fit for the UFL.

"Spotty criminal history? Likes Porn" sounds like the scouting report on me. You may need to hire Ron Jeremy to help him break down tape.

3) Bruce Smith.
I know, I know. You're already thinking I'm insulting Bruce. Quite the contrary. Bruce Smith was my idol, every night I crawled into bed during my formative years, I had Bruce's height-poster pinned on my wall, you know the one you measure to see if you are as tall as the big guy. Yes, I fell asleep every night while a 6'6 black man watched over me. I slept soundly. My point is this, he's the all time greatest---he's going into the HOF---there really isn't much left for him to conquer.....except a marginal football league. Get 'em Bruce!

You seem to be going in a different direction than I am with my draft, 3 hall of famers in the first 3 rounds? I got 3 guys who are serving 5-10. Anyway, speaking of sleeping soundly...do you know where Bruce sleeps soundly? Traffic lights. Traffic lights in Virginia Beach at 2 in the morning. Usually with a cop watching over him. Oh one other thing, how bout them 91' Skins?

4) Spike
Spike? Who the hell is Spike? I'll tell you who--- only the most intimidating 12 year old I've ever known. The meathead star of a little flick known as, The Little Giants--which I think took the Best Picture Oscar in '95. Countless pee-wee-ers modled their game after him. The kid had a crew cut, bulging muscles, and an attitude to match. Looking back, when his dad said, "Every night I rub evaporated milk into his hamstrings." ---I think we all know what he was really doing. PED's. The Cream and the Clear. Balco, Conte. UFL. BOOM!

You know who I should draft from that movie? Polk High starting full back #33...Al Bundy. Now that's a true american bad-ass. He scored 4 TD's in the city title game!

5) Lavar Arrington
Yeah I know Fatpickle probably has a softspot for Arrington (Cheers and Hail, blah blah blah) but guess what? So do I. Despite Arringtons low production in the NFL all indicators point to him being a stand up guy. If being "retired" from football has taught me anything, its that the itch to play comes in waves. Well, I hope such a whim comes to Arrington when the phone rings and I tell him he's been pretend-drafted to my fantasy team.

Wrong, fatboy. No soft spot for Lavar. The only soft spots were in his game. Always a step away from making a big play. And if you want to ring his phone it's easy to do, just call 106.7 the fan. Yep, he's talking about football on the radio. Maybe he'd make a good play by play announcer for you. Now, Dexter Manley...

6) Dimitirus Underwood
A player who is past his prime, faded from the limelight, or enjoying a holiday in the penal system have all been prime picks in my draft. How about a player who has disappeared. Even the Associated Press is comfortable describing his career with mysterious wordplay "....after for years he resurfaced..." Where exactly was he? Who knows. But come this fall he may very well be in one of 7 unknown cities, co-oping players and profits, and holding games in sponsor clad stadiums and rundown warehouses. In other words, he'll be in the UFL. I hope.

This is what we call a "sleeper" pick. This guy had tremendous potential, you just have to make sure he's taking his meds! When scouting football players you sometimes here the term "north/south." Like this guy runs fast north and south. Well...this refers to Underwood as well, unfortunately for you north/south = bi-polar.

7) Rob Lunn
A slow (fat) white guy with minimal talent, who caught every lucky break on his way to a career that will best be remembered for an internet blog than any on the field prowess. Oh and leadership, he was a good leader.

This is what we call a "reach pick," because you're definately reaching here. I mean, were you worried somebody was going to draft you in round 8? I fully expected this tho...and I had plans to take you with my 11th pick. "Mr. Irrlevent" long snapper.

9 Jamal Reynolds
"The greatest defense end the world has ever seen, period" Well, not quite. The former first rounder did a short stint with Green Bay and then bounced around a bit before ultimately joining me in the unemployment line. So why draft him? 'Cause I like to think he still wants to make good on that statement. Call me an optimist. Or even paralyzingly sarcastic, but Jamal Reynolds deserves another shot---no major arrests or character issues unlike most of my draft picks, hes a lock at defensive end.

He's right, I've never seen him, nor heard of him. And if he hasn't been arrested or beat up a hooker or something...then I have no material for him. He's useless to me.

10 Bob Sapp-
If his illustrious MMA Career or namesake has taught us anything, it is that more black men in the middle is a good thing. Currently unaffiliated, I'm taking Sapp in draft. Bonus points for his role in The Longest Yard, references to which, up until now I've painstakingly avoided. Guilty.

If your gonna take someone from TLY, why not Romanowski? He had his own pharmacy, and broke the jaws of both opponents and teammates. I'm not sure Sapp has done that in the MMA.

11) Bryce Popp(Pop/Paup)

Who? Exactly. Try and Google him. Nothing. I'm really throwing this out there, someone (anyone) send me a link to information about Bryce (Brice?) Pop (Popp/Paup?). I remember the sports talk shows of Western New York (Yes, both of them) hailing him as a defensive savior for the Bills. Then...nothing. Even in the age of the internet He cannot be found. Not to sound arrogant, but that is the definition of obscure...even I'm on there. So, Yes. I choose you Bryce Popp, like my secret Pokemon.

Well, the first thing I did was google myself, cuz I like to do that. How can you be a Bills fan and not know Bryce Paup. He had 17.5 sacks in 95' to go along with 89 tackles...impressive. 4 straight Pro Bowls from 94-97. He works for the Packers and coaches high school football in Green Bay.

Coach: Bob Knight
A man that knows nothing about football for a league that probably doesn't know much either. Recipe for success. No one loves winning, or knows how to win like Knight. And the seeming lack of organization or accountability in the UFL should really test his patience; now that's something fans can rally behind.

3 yards and a cloud of dust...the cloud of dust being the old bastard that is your coach. He's gonna ride your ass like Juan Valdez. "Lunn, if you'd spend as much time on the field as you do in front of a g damn computer you might become a football player. And tell LT to to wipe up and get out here. F'in panzies."

Part II Drops Tomorrow

Dear Michael....

2009-08-08T19:00:00.005-04:00

Dear. Michael,
Let me clear something up for you. While you may have been a talented NFL Player in your prime, dip-diving-ducking-n-dodging your way into the hearts of millions, the reason you are no longer welcome in the NFL is NOT because you're black. Nope, not even close. It's because you senselessly brutalized helpless animals. Man's best friend, to be exact. And stuff like that doesn't go unnoticed; not by me and definitely not by NFL Owners. Now even Jesse Jackson is weighing in. I love Jesse as much as the next guy (see picture below) however, even his latest opinion is way off base:

“I want teams to explain why they have a quarterback who has less skills but is playing or at least is on the taxi squad, and a guy with more skills can’t get into training camp.”

Well Mr Jackson and Mr. Vick, these quarterbacks with "lesser skills" did not participate in a slew of inhumane acts, resulting in the brutal deaths of dogs by (but not limited to) slamming, drowning, and electrocuting them.

As a lover of dogs and pit bulls in particular, I simply can't support your bid for a home with ANY NFL Team, nor can I understand why anyone, including Jesse Jackson is surprised.
Sincerely,
Rob

Cuuuuuuuuuse!

2009-08-07T10:00:00.001-04:00

New Post on Syracuse Football.
Yah, I know. I'm still shocked I wrote it.
Hop over and check it out.

John Hughes: American Legend

2009-08-07T00:01:00.005-04:00

Hit Play

John Hughes is dead. The director/writer of an entire genre of "coming of age" flicks, he was in my opinion a cinematic genius.
16 Candles? The Breakfast Club? Pretty in Pink? Weird Science? Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Home Alone? Uncle Buck? Planes, Trains, and Automobiles? Are you kidding me? If Hughes was a sports hero, he be John Wooden, Michael Jordan, Phil Jackson, Teddy Williams, and Tiger Woods all rolled up in to one.
Move over Spielberg, with career stats like this I'm surprised John Hughes isn't a household name. I get the whole "he never won an Oscar thing"--but guess what? The Bills never won a Super Bowl and they were still the best team in the 90's (and coincidentally also have a cult following).
Just think of all the classic movie lines you and your buddies use on a regular basis just from the John Hughes collection:

"this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented"

"Bueheller? Bueller? Anyone?...."

"I like to keep mine so sharp, you could circumsize a nat. Wait a minute...Nat? Bug? Am I noticing some similarities here?"

"I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because Andrew here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts. "

Am I missing any? Post in the Comments section.

Confident Quarterback

2009-08-06T12:27:00.002-04:00

I know this dropped a while ago, but I forgot to link it up. Enjoy:

The Confident Quarterback

Training camp is both the most beloved and most dreaded time of the football season. For fans it means the beginning of a new year, with new excitement and new opportunities. Everyone is undefeated, the playing field leveled once again. But for players, it means accepting the inevitability of sleepless nights, sore shoulders and knees and double sessions in the August heat.

For one player on UConn's roster, this training camp holds all the anticipation of the night before Christmas -- with all the excitement AND expectations that go with it.

Read the rest HERE

What are you doing in a month? Figure it out pronto.

2009-08-06T09:04:00.004-04:00

I am a terrible planner. I would go so far as to say that I take measures to avoid planning. Thanks to Inside USC with Scott Wolf, I am getting my September 3-7 squared away {Thank you Swedish scheduling gods. A lot of things don't make sense [See a month long break in the middle of the season because the entire country is on holiday.] but an open date on the first weekend of college football does.}. Keep in mind that all times for me are 6 hours later than the listed {Eastern} times.

Take a couple minutes and rough out your viewing plan. Here are the games I'm excited about watching after a quick perusal of the master list {Rooting interests in caps and bold.}:

Thurs, Sept 3
- 7:00 PM South Carolina at North Carolina State, ESPN
- 10:15 PM Oregon at Boise State, ESPN

Sat, Sept 5
- 12:00 PM MINNESOTA at Syracuse, ESPN2
- 3:30 PM Georgia at Oklahoma State, ABC
- 7:00 PM NORTHERN ILLINOIS at Wisconsin, Big Ten Network - Go Huskies.
- 10:00 PM Maryland at California, ESPN2

And for the other Husky fans (UCONN, that is - not the portly clientel, we prefer big-boned.):
- 7:00 PM Connecticut at Ohio, ESPN 360

What's on your visual menu? Only one game per time slot. We have to make this interesting.

The Blind Side, Michael Lewis/Oher, Left Tackle, Thailand

2009-08-05T14:41:00.005-04:00

Ok, bear with me on this stream-of-consciousness bing-bang. It makes sense. {At least in my dome.}

Yesterday I saw the trailer for The Blind Side. We should all know by now that Hollywood butchers any book remakes. The books are always better. Always. Watch in horror and save your money come late November.

It has been panned with spot-on precision at Mr. Irrelivant, Hey Jenny Slater and Doc Saturday so I won't pile on. But I'll probably end up watching it at some point. I'd make a terrible revolutionary.

In The Blind Side, virtuoso Michael Lewis discussing the nuances of pro football that have led to left tackles transforming from interchangeable cog to freakishly talented athletic specimens that are paid accordingly.

Last night in practice I played some left tackle. If I was taller, stronger, faster, more athletic - I would be at least fighting for a practice squad spot. Who are we kidding. I'd just be just a bigger awkward person. Anyway through a combination of ruthless technique, fat feet and old shoes, this came to pass:

A new innovation in adidas footwear. The ankle cleat. Nothing is impossible.

Without missing a beat, someone yells, "You get those in Thailand?"
"Nope, but they were probably made there."

Which brings us to tonight's dinner. My brother's last meal out in Stockholm, at Koh Phangan. The building looks like a tiki hut and has a river running along the floorboards. The food was delicious, but it cannot hold a candle to the urinals.

You bet I used the far left one. Chang, yummy. Singha, even more so.

I told you I'd bring it full circle. If you're still reading and thoroughly confused, I apologize profusely. But you're probably used to that.

Just Watch

2009-08-04T10:30:00.001-04:00

My dad is a wrestling coach, which may be why I find this more touching, if it's possible.

I was an absolute mess of tears and laughter after watching this. The video made me happy to be alive. Sport is a beautiful thing, and don't let anyone tell you any different.

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

2009-08-04T07:00:00.001-04:00

Yeah, I'm officially obsessed and addicted to YouTube (actually, President Obama has coined a new term for this, "unemployed") I noted how awesome these were yesterday, but here I am again with your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week. 12,000 calorie salad? Game. Set. Match.

"Conquistador of the Calorie...."

SWG (FWG) Seeks Editor, Paycheck

2009-08-03T14:00:00.001-04:00

Not sure how to preface this. I hope all the Deadspin guys (commenters) are reading.

I'm off to NYC to take care of a little business. Yes, making writing profitable--and ending my current streak of laughable unemployment. The American dream at it's finest. I was talking with a couple of the guys and all the jabs about my "career" gained some credibility when they pointed out I was yet to "meet" my editor. They must not understand that I operate in a world of anonymity and irresponsibility. But, in order to make this whole thing real, I told Daulerio over at Deadspin I'd swing by and put some ink on paper (metaphorically speaking). That was about four months ago.

No, I had to coax or meeting out of him, like a steady and persistant internet stalker. My own personal "You've Got Mail." Through 10 countries, and distances of 5,000 miles we emailed, updated, and generally avoided eachother. So tomorrow, as I jet set* to the Big Apple I am going to eHarmony the shit out of some employment contract.

*Jet Set = Bolt Bus

Go Ahead, Laugh....You've Earned It

2009-08-03T13:00:00.000-04:00

I don't care, these never get old...

"Don't forget the moonlight!"

I got my swim trunks and my flippy-floppies

2009-08-03T11:00:00.000-04:00

We took one on the chin this Saturday, losing 28-20, but the bigger story was the continuing saga of Thoughts from a Fat White Guy authors being photographed in Euro-trunks, embarrassing their parents and making finding gainful employment a bit more of a challenge.

The photo in question is at a spa on a Viking cruise line, which was hardly the Bacchanalian free-for-all that I was expecting and dreading. The spa was clutch for post-game decompression with our Swedish cruise master and defensive lineman, Mexican quarterback, and my little brother visiting. Although being hit on by a guy who would have looked a bit more at home in the Raider black hole was an interesting twist. No, I do not 'need any help' in a tiny cold tub, thank you very much. I don't even know what that help would entail, and I would prefer to not think about it.

The cruise experience provided a small sample of the interesting Swedish dichotomy of not talking to anyone outside your particular group while boarding, the first hour, then talking to everyone after everyone had ample time to frequent the tax-free shop. Then the following morning going back to pretending that your group is the only one on the boat. The Swedes are fantastic at pretending that there is nothing going on around them. Until you talk to them, then they are occasionally too friendly. Relate back to above incident.

I did my best to shake off the doldrums the following morning by karaoke-ing {Is that a verb? Is now.} 'Bust a Move'. My brother added to the performance as an unplanned back up dancer and saved me from the rookie mistake of trying to read the words instead of just ignoring the damn teleprompter and letting it fly. The fisherman dance during the intermission may have helped. Or the older Swedish lady trying to slap his ass. Whichever. At least we were fully clothed.

Monday Morning QB: Wake Up With Zach Frazer

2009-08-03T00:10:00.005-04:00

Here is a new feature, Monday Morning Quarterback. In the inaugural post, I'm taking the common expression quite literally; an interview with the future of UConn's offense, Zach Frazer. Frazer is stepping into a starting role at QB for the 2009 season, not to mention commanding a new offensive scheme, under the tutelage of Offensive Coordinator Joe Moorehead. With training camp only days away Frazer was kind enough to pause and throw a former teammate some love. So here is 10 questions with UConn's starting QB Zach Frazer:

To be a part of the “Fat White Guy” website is a dream come true. I never
thought I would have a wonderful opportunity to answer questions from
Robert Lunn himself. After having my picture placed on his website of me
at the Notre Dame Basketball game , I thought my “Fat White Guy” career was
over. I figured I fell into the category of one hit wonders, and would
never reach the top again. Well that all changed, I’ve been given a
second chance, a new beginning, a breath of fresh air. This time Rob
gave me a personal interview! Wow! Finally some love from a defensive
lineman.

10 Questions:

1.Days of Thunder or Fast and Furious?
Really? This is the first question
Rob wants me to answer? I thought this was a serious interview. Anyway,
I’m a Fast and Furious guy myself. I couldn’t see myself watching a movie
like Days of Thunder where Tom Cruise attempts to act. I’m not saying
Paul Walker and Vin Diesel are any better; it’s just the poison I choose
to take.

2.How is summer training, and coming out of spring how does the new offense look?Finally! A good question. Summer training has gone very well this year.
The beginning was a little shaky, but the offense progressed to a point
where everyone is ready for camp.

3 Who stood out to you this spring? Who has shined in summer workouts?
A lot of players worked hard this summer. The wide outs, tight ends,
and running backs have all shown improvement in my opinion. Isiah Moore
has been a key WR during the summer. Look for him to make some big plays
during the season.
The defense has also been working hard this summer. The secondary is
getting harder to throw against during 7on7. I’m glad I don’t have to face
them during the season.

4. What is one thing everyone should know about you that they don't.?
Back to the person questions. Rob wants me to say something about cars,
but there is something else everyone should know about me. I love Jersey
Mikes Sub’s! Jersey Mike’s is the best sub shop in the world. I have been
a fan every since junior year in high school, where I ate there every day
after school. I’ve driven 1hr 30min to Providence to get a Jersey Mike’s
sub, had a sub shipped overnight from Kentucky, I’ve even memorized the
entire menu (#9 is my favorite), and have a Jersey Mike’s sub wrapper
hanging on my wall. That last part is a little weird I know, but Jersey
Mike’s is that good!
FWG side note: not weird, just creepy....Norman.

5. What is your opinion of the new offense, what can the fan's expect in'09?
I love the new offense this year! Our fans should expect a fast tempo
offense that will keep the defense guessing on every play. We can have 5
wide outs in one play and then run the ball the next. The games should
provide plenty of excitement for the fans and it will definitely be a
great atmosphere in the Rent this year.

6. Cage match: charlie versus randy, who wins? KO or Submission?
To even come up with the idea of Charlie and Randy in a cage match is very
clever. (I see the UConn education is paying off, Rob) I would expect nothing less from Fat White Guy. It was fun thinking up what would happen if this really came true, but in the end
Randy would win. Not by K.O. Not by submission. By forfeit.

7.On my ipod right now is… People are Crazy by Billy Currington.

8. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
My favorite guilty pleasure has to be McDonalds. It’s so bad and yet so
good.

9.Everyones gonna be asking. Notre dame on the schedule this year.,
what does. A game like that mean to you?
I can’t wait till November 21st at 2:30pm. It’s a game I’ve had marked
on my calendar for a while. To get a chance to play Notre Dame is
wonderful opportunity, but to win against Notre Dame will be a wonderful
experience.

10.Boxers or Briefs? You would want to know that Rob.

FWG side note: I already know the answer

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: Away Game

2009-07-31T06:23:00.003-04:00

Sports terminology has made its way into various other aspects of life. It's logical. Sports are popular and easy to translate with competition and the like. One place that you're never really sure if that's alright is in the bedroom. Sure, you may joke around about it with your close friends, aside from 'The Single/Double/Triple' analogy {If you touch 'em all, do you hit for the cycle? Or do they have to be separate instances? Can you even hit for the cycle? Once you try and codify things of this nature there are all sorts of rhetorical crevasses to be dealt with.} nothing has really become mainstream. The Swedes have taken the lead in that category.

Bortamatch - away game. Hemmamatch - home game. Brilliantly simple. They even have little equipment bags for those going into hostile territory looking to pull off a big victory.

Barney Stinson absolutely has to have a hand in the production of these kits. Next question, how do we figure out who is wearing white and color? Is it baseball, where white is at home? Or football, where home {traditionally} wears their color? Or should we just go shirts and skins?

Tomfoolery in the Ice Bar

2009-07-30T10:44:00.004-04:00

My not-so-little brother is in Sweden taking in everything that Stockholm has to offer. Which of course meant a trip to the Ice Bar {Something that I have yet to visit in my time here.}. It's a tiny room and it's, well, cold. That doesn't mean that it needs to be boring.

We had the lady at the front door convinced that we were serious about wanting to go into the bar sans shirt. "Um, no, you have to wear the pancho." Two minutes later we let on that there was no way we were going in without the coverall/little-kid-glove-clip combo. During a mixed drink in an ice cup, we decided to do what all good Wisconsin lads should do. Construct an ice-a-mid with the empties laying about.

And why not? With some help from some gentleman in town for the Pride festival, we completed our alcoholic tribute to the pharoahs and forced labor before we lost feeling in our fingers.

I Just Watched Footloose

2009-07-29T17:26:00.004-04:00

I have had quite a few "movie confessions" on this blog, since this whole thing started. Reid over at USA Today even got me to admit that I liked romantic comedies. Guilty as charged.
But today, flipping through the movie channels I came across Footloose. I'm not sure if it is Kevin Bacon's asexual dance moves or the skin-tight Levi jeans--but kudos to 80's dance moves.
And what about that dynamite dialogue:
"...what about the police, you know em?"
"Yeah"
"Sting?"
"No, the ones behind you"
(...enter aviator-clad officer)
Instant gold! How this didn't take the Oscar for best picture in 1984 I'll never know.
Not to mention the whole "learning to dance" montage:

Well done. Well done.
He drives a VW Beetle, he will play his music as loud as he wants, and he will dance in grain-silos all night long. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try and stop him.

Channel Your "Inner-Lance"

2009-07-28T12:41:00.002-04:00

Ever notice how sweet the logos on this site are. Even more, ever think how great you'd look wearing one of the FWG T-Shirts. Well, don't thank me---thank Johanna Denapoli. She did the all the designing and now she needs your help.

Jo is riding in the 30th aniversity of the Pan-Mass Challenge (PMC). I'd like to spit a lot of statistics about riding and bikes (Yeah, she's riding a Gary Fisher, with a Shimano 105 group) but the bottom line is that its a good cause and I think with things going the way they are in the world we could all use a little help.

Take your time, click the links, and enjoy you day.

The T.O. Show

2009-07-28T11:52:00.003-04:00

Yes it is 12:00 on a Tuesday. My semi-unemployment has me watching day time VH1 (remember when their used to be music....and of course, POP-UP VIDEOS). What could be be better than a show about my favorite football team, in a town 45 minutes west of me.

Wrong, wrong.

Crap, total crap. I'd rather watch Flava-Flav or Scott Baio. Heidi and Spencer on The Hills had more genuine acting than this. I love the Bills, but if a decade without a playoff birth didn't push me over the edge, this just might. I'm warning you, Terrell...do not break my slightly oversized heart.

Final Thoughts:

Thoughts From A Fat White Guy would like to give it's official endorsement to "More To Love" the genius minds at Fox have developed a reality show for plus sized women. I'm down with this. It's The Bachelor meets Old Country Buffet. Well done America.

I'm going to Bills training camp this week, I'll let you know how that works out.

Enter the Meat Grinder

2009-07-28T11:25:00.004-04:00

Minnesota is jacking up the level of competition in the years to come. According to ESPN's Adam Rittenberg they are looking to add Texas to a post-2009 slate that includes USC, Colorado and Oregon State after an already challenging 2009 schedule. Coach Tim Brewster ain't scurred:

The schedule is extremely challenging, but that's to my liking. I love the fact that we're playing Air Force, we're playing Cal, we're playing Syracuse. We're playing some really good football teams. Somebody said that we had the fifth most challenging schedule in America, and I like that. I think it's a good thing.

Missing Indiana and Michigan during the conference schedule in 2009 helps the strength of schedule but eliminates two very winnable games. And going big seems to be helping recruiting:

But from a recruit's perspective, I think that's what they want. When I talk to recruits on the phone, they say, Hey, coach, who are you playing in the nonconference schedule? They want to know. When I say, We're playing USC, you can sense an excitement in a young man's voice. Kids want to play in marquee nationally televised games.

To be honest with you, I want the University of Minnesota to be on that stage. I want to play nationally televised games where a tremendous exposure is put on our program. And when you play USC, that happens.

We're going to play some other teams also that are going to give us exposure. I don't think there's a downside. I really don't. We're an ascending program the way I look at our program. We're going to keep getting better. We'll be up to the challenge of playing the type of schedules that we're going to play at Minnesota through the next couple of years.

The added hypothetical exposure will be beneficial, but only with wins and bowl games. The big name teams seem to be offset by the standard BCS cupcake menu. Other schools currently on the docket from 2010-2015 are South Dakota, North Dakota State, Syracuse {Also the opening game of the '09 season.}, San Jose State, UNLV, Western Illinois, Miami of Ohio, South Dakota State and Ohio {www.gophersports.com}. Naturally this is incredibly premature and open to an abundance of change. They could conceivably play none of these teams if a school with a bigger checkbook comes calling. A lot of scheduling comes down to the strength of a school and the luck of hitting big name teams on a down swing and avoiding mid-majors on an uptick.

The final result will be interesting to see, but it will be difficult to ignore Minnesota scheduling big name teams from out of the conference. Although it will be a meat grinder, we'll borrow words of wisdom from Wedding Crashers: Rule #76. No excuses. Play like a champion.

Irish Sport: Hurling

2009-07-28T05:39:00.005-04:00

The stereotypical Irish jokes write themselves with the name of a national sport being hurling. But the great majority of utterly wasted folks in pubs were foreigners. But hurling has absolutely nothing to do with drinking.

The sport of hurling is something that cannot be explained and be fully grasped, it must be watched. I attempted to summarize it but check out DJ Carey {The Michael Jordan of hurling, or so I was told by some hurlers in Kilkenny.} and some other youtube hurling clips after the intro videos below:

Oh yeah, they don't get paid a dime for playing. They can do endorsements and that's it. It goes against all American ideals {Do something. Get paid.}, but it's admirable nonetheless. Hurlers have full time jobs and then train/play 40 hours a week at the highest level. Absolutely insane. There is also a women's league, but it's less popular, and the sport is called camogie. The money made by the GAA {Governing body of Gaelic sports} goes into development for the sport as well as cultural and community development. Hurling and Gaelic football {future post} were outlawed by the British in the early 20th century but continued to be played and resulted in the first Bloody Sunday at Croke Park {Which was fittingly the site of a major step to healing.}.

And one more odd rule that I can't wrap my head around is that the third guy in a fight will get sent off. Two guys can scrap a bit and it's cool, but even if the third man comes in to intercede peacefully, he gets punished. The thought process I guess is if you don't have a third in the fray, there will be no fourth, etc. {Clarified by Emmet in the comments.}

Guess that's a solid rule when you're having a few beverages to avoid doing some hurling of your own. But as wise Irishman Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself." So that's what I'm-a going to do.

*If you came here for American football and are still reading, Notre Dame beat Navy 54-27 at Croke Park in 1996 and will return in 2012.

Princeton Finally Gets Something Right!

2009-07-27T21:04:00.009-04:00

The 2009 Princeton Review evaluations of colleges and universities came out today. Thousands upon thousands of potential college students will buy this guide, comb through it with wide eyes and pimpled faces seeing their potential futures on the pages infront of them; MIT: Engineers, Berkley: Organic Beet Farmers, Rutgers: Sopranos Extras, and now The University of Connecticut: MEATHEADS.
That's right, according to the Princeton Review UConn is now the #10 "Jock School" in the entire country (and Canada!). No, I did not bat an eye when I found out that my alma mater was at the forefront of Time Travel (yeah, it's true). But #10 Jock School, hell yes. Now that's something I can get my check book behind.

Linkage: Memorial to the Brickhouse

2009-07-27T10:43:00.006-04:00

Walk On Boy back trying to get back in the blogging grove with some gratuitous Gopher retrophilia {HT: Brian Cook of The Sporting Blog and Smart Football.} celebrating the return to campus. Can we return to media guide photos like this please? I tried while I was in school, but the uptight photographers wouldn't allow it. The fact that I wasn't very good probably had something to do with it. Whatever.

Explore, enjoy and either be excited for the Gopher's returning to campus and the great outdoors or thankful that your team is already outside. {Unless you're a fan of Syracuse, Idaho or another team that plays in a dome.} However, I can already foresee people pining for the Metrodome during the first bad weather game at the Stadium-That Must-Not-Be-Named {And of course they didn't allow liquor sales.}. Any suggestions for a nickname on par with The Brickhouse?

Back to The ROC

2009-07-27T10:24:00.000-04:00

Driving back to God's country today. That's right, Upstate New York.
Updates later today on a bunch of stuff.
But here's a preview: UConn QB zach frazer stops by, and he's looking slim, trim, and poised to win.

FWG on ESPN 890

2009-07-25T14:20:00.003-04:00

Yup, doing a spot before the Sox game. So tune in from 3:00 to 3:30 today on 890 ESPN BOSTON. Don't make this weird...like housekeeping walking in on me typing this on the pooper just now. ("I'm working...I swear. Rosa, come back!) Just listen in.

Thanks.

The Locker Room Dance

2009-07-25T13:50:00.005-04:00

I'd like to make this post a "Part II" to the one I did a few months ago, "Tales From a YMCA Locker Room" This one might be even creepier, because unlike the poster children for senility I encountered strutting naked at the local YMCA, this one involves my father.

Yes, my father--the once proud New York State Supreme Court judge. I invited him to the most time honored of father-son traditions, a baseball game in July.

While the game has yet to be played, Friday night was an odd sort of ritual, testing our respective "comfortabilities" with each other, as we bunked up for the night at the Hyatt in Cambridge.

We got to the room, walked in the door and moments later we were staring a large room....with one king sized bed. After empty offers of "You take it." "No, you take it." and the accompanying argument points:

Dad: "You got the tickets."

Me: "I am the fruit of your loins"

Dad: "You've got the big interview in the morning" (side note: big interview = 30 minutes on ESPN 890...hence the free tickets)

Me: "You're much older, your fragile frame couldn't handle sleeping on the floor"

And so it went. I found myself on a rock hard cot, he in the luxury of a king size bed all to himself. Little did I know it would be the least awkward moment of our time together.

I was startled awake at an ungodly hour. Something like 5am. My crusty eyes slowly opening, to find my father at his lap top typing....shirtless...in his underwear. I'm sure his colleagues in the legal profession will smile knowing that his latest column was written in a state of near nakedness, while his only son looked on in horror; The hour. The old skin. The giggles. What the hell is he doing up?

Like any two men sharing a space where a shower is involved, the rules of "manly naked-ness" applied. Towels adorned, unless drying. Talking kept to a minimum (anything revolving around a field or diamond is acceptable fodder). And above all: EYES ON THE ROAD. Well, our shower schedules had a slight overlap, him leaving...me entering. Which meant the tail end of the "drying period" would be an all out battle for personal space.

Sure enough, my shower ended and I stepped back into the room and got a face full of nakedness, and an offer to make coffee. My silence must have been affirmation, because as he neared we were caught in a post-shower shuffle. To basically naked men, pacing back and forth, bobbing and weaving to get past each other. An awkward locker room dance. Social cues misinterpreted, thus leaving us powerless to get by each other. "God, please make it stop."

And it did. Eventually. But not before a long, strange silence hung in the room.

So today, my beloved Sox take on the Orioles. And while the memory of today's game might fade, this morning's events certainly will not.

Back To UConn

2009-07-24T08:23:00.000-04:00

Back at UConn today for the first time in about 5 months. Crazy how some it never changes--checking in on summer workouts and saying hi to the coaches.
Ill have updates for you late today, maybe after the weekend.

As a side note: Tune in to the Sox game on Saturday. I'll be doing an interview on ESPN Boston. So check it out.

Why Rick? Why?

2009-07-23T08:00:00.002-04:00

Every morning, I get up and ready my way through the offerings on NESN, Deadspin and ESPN. Like a moth to the light, I always find myself reading Rick Reilly's ESPN column. I fall into the category of someone who has enjoyed them for the most part over the years (I mean, his article on the little kid and Elway (http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=3930609) had me in tears). So while I agree with 99 percent of his first-person narratives, I’d throw his latest take on Tiger Woods (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?id=4347419) into the 1 percent bucket.

Reilly lambasted Tiger for his "behavior" at Turnberry this past weekend:

He'd hit a bad shot, turn and bury his club into the ground in a fit. It was two days of Tiger Tantrums -- slamming his club, throwing his club and cursing his club. In front of a worldwide audience. ... If there were no six-second delay, Tiger Woods would be the reason to invent it.

Sports today are different. Golf today certainly is not the gentleman's game it was even 10 or 15 years ago. But Reilly draws comparisons between Woods and golfers of a much different era:

It's disrespectful to the game, disrespectful to those he plays with and disrespectful to the great players who built the game before him. Ever remember Jack Nicklaus doing it? Arnold Palmer?

Yes, Nicklaus and Palmer were great, but they did not exist in today's sports world. A world of millions of sponsorship dollars, commercials, 24/7 sports news, a world where Woods reigns king. Again, this is the modern sports world, where playing without emotion is like not playing at all.

READ THE REST HERE (FIXED!)

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

2009-07-22T14:41:00.004-04:00

If offered up summations of last week's wedding extravaganza in bits and pieces. Well here is another piece of the puzzle. In between casual conversation over chips and dip, I finally felt I had made some strides towards acceptance into the girlfriend's family.

And then like a lightning bolt from the Karma Police I was struck down in my tracks....

An unsuspecting FWG failed to note the weight limit on plastic lawn furniture. I sat down confidently and then promptly knocked backed to reality....but not before my significant other had time to capture it for posterity. God, I love first impressions.

My Sincere Apology

2009-07-21T13:05:00.003-04:00

I think perhaps an apology is order. My last blog post on UConn's contract with Notre Dame (was poorly formatted and/or worded). I definitely did not mean to give the impression that UConn had signed a 5 game contract with Notre Dame that involved no home games for the Huskies. Instead my commentary on the ridiculous "rumor mill" surrounding this game fed the fire instead of extinguishing it. Notre Dame's refusal to play in East Hartford has sparked much controversy and my thoughts were based on such reports that were issued prior to my post as fact. I have had assurances from UConn's Media Director Mike Enright that no such contract is in place and while talks with Notre Dame are still underway, specifics are still being worked out.
I strive to make this blog a unique perspective on college football, that of a former player--something you won't find anywhere else. In this case, I did nothing but contribute to the stereotype of irresponsible bloggers.

Questions On The UConn D-Line

2009-07-21T11:02:00.000-04:00

Marcus Campbell (Bloomfield, Conn.) was dismissed from the University of Connecticut earlier this summer, citing academic reasons. The loss for the Huskies has sparked some questions amongst fans, players, and the UConn Coaching Staff: Who will fill the spots left by Cody Brown and Julius Williams. Both Brown and Williams were NFL quality players (now with Arizona and Jacksonville respectively). They compiled a staggering number of sacks during the 2008 season, not to mention providing impressive speed and strength off the edge. But what now? It was my sound belief that Campbell would provide the necessary speed from the edge while Lindsey Witten would be able to step up and provide the strength and athletic ability to stabilize the defensive end position, I had them both slated to be standout starters in the 2009. While Witten's future seems secure, the depth at defensive end may be lacking with Campbell now gone. Waiting in the wings are a plethora of players, however they lack experience. So here are my answers to the "Defensive End Question"....

READ THE REST HERE

My Irrestistible Dance Moves

2009-07-21T11:01:00.001-04:00

Irresistible. Yup, that would be the word to best describe me on the dance floor. I am a man amongst boys out there. For instance this weekend I captivated an entire wedding party cutting a rug while employing these pieces of flare:

Turns out my dance floor majesty is more than just quick feet and suggestive hip movements. A German researcher found that men who's dancing was rated by women as "sexy" or "skillful" were generally physically stronger and more dominant than those who couldn't dance. Anthropologist Bernhard Fink concurs, "Its a primal response...more likely to produce healthy offspring." That's right. Its science.

Today's Final Thought...

2009-07-21T11:00:00.000-04:00

Today's final thought has to do with the movies. More specifically double dating. Dinner and a movie. Me and my buddy Mike (names not changed, he's not innocent) were trying to figure out what movie to take our girlfriends to in Boston. We settled on "The Hurt Locker."

After several manly grunts and exchanges that resembled two 6 year-olds playing with G.I. Joes we realized it would be near impossible to sell our girlfriends on attending a movie called "The Hurt Locker." But below is our best efforts:

Me: ...its a timeless story. A man. His desire for hurt. A locker. All set against Victorian England, its love in the time of Cholera meets the English patient meets Sleepless in Seattle.

Mike: Its a romantic comedy. Love and hate, ya know? A man at odds with his life and love.....The Break Up 2: the Hurt Locker

Why You Shouldn't Go To South Florida

2009-07-20T14:37:00.006-04:00

Followers of this blog will note that originally I had posted some "witty remarks" on USF kicker Maikon Bonani's 35 foot fall off an amusement park ride at Busch Gardens. They were in poor taste and I'd like to retract them---I never should have posted it. Insensitive of me. The bottom line is he is lucky to be alive, and no player wants to see their career cut short. I've been avoiding the "last game" at all costs---going so far as to play in Austria. So I'd like to wish him a full recovery---and a few missed kicks against UConn.

The Vatican Jig

2009-07-16T08:00:00.000-04:00

I dedicate this to Darius Butler and Cody Brown. who both taught me these sweet moves.

If someone can tell me how the hell to flip this video, shoot me an email TheFatWhiteGuy@gmail.com

The Wedding Date

2009-07-15T10:00:00.000-04:00

A few months back I did a "Final Thoughts" on how my girlfriend was not inviting me to her cousin's wedding, but rather she was interviewing me. I informed her of my certain attributes:
"Well, Girlfriend. I am a shameless dancer, I will charm everyone with my mandatory flower girl and/or grandma waltz, and I won't get hit on any of your relatives or kin"

And just like that, the job was mine. Well, fast forward a few months and the time is upon us. Only this isn't a one day event. Its the IronMan of Weddings. A Tour de France of Nuptials. A week long extravaganza. Now, making a good impression is important, obviously. But with several former college football players in the bloodlines, and the wedding planner informing me "Oh yes, we sat you right next to the (open) bar" Id like to now think of this less as me schmoozing for a few hours and more of God testing me.

One slip up and that whole "My Best Friend's Wedding" romantic comedy crap will be out the window. I can see this thing devolving into meatheads invade open mic night and dollar drafts all rolled into one. Wish me luck.

Breaking News! (sort of....)

2009-07-15T08:00:00.001-04:00

All must bow before Touchdown Jesus!

Notre Dame has changed its contract with University of Connecticut football program. Perhaps I've missed the "debate bubble" on this one. I'll chalk it up to being in Europe where the only football of importance was played on a "pitch" with guys named Ronaldinho or Beckham and Euro-Mullets flapped in the wind as the gallivanted about. But imagine my surprise when I set foot back on American soil--my heart swelling with pride, only to find out that my alma mater had been bullied by the self-proclaimed "greatest program in the history of college football" into signing a deal for five home games in South Bend.
The traditional practice of small-market teams signing a "2 and 1" (two away, one home) contract with a large market team has apparently been thrown out the window. Instead this time honored practice has been replaced by some ludicrous and over the top bullying, which surprisingly has left UConn with no games to be played Rentschler Field or any other New England stadium against the Fighting Irish.

READ THE REST HERE

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

2009-07-14T13:00:00.001-04:00

Yeah, the long and arduous journey is finally over. I am back on American soil. I'd have to say the highlight of my trip was seeing Rome and the Colosseum. I'd like to insert my mandatory "football players are modern day gladiators" comment here. But I'll spare you. Instead, I'll take a small bow and entertain you with pictures. Yes, creative writing and intriguing blogging is being replaced with eye-candy. A straight to your brain, inter venous shot of pure delight. Enjoy.

I'm a meat head. Get over it.

"I hate dem Italians!"
"But I am SWISS!"
"uh...DEM TOO!"

Here the Swiss Guard stands, ever vigilant. No one enters Fiat parking without proper identification. And I mean no one.

St. Peters.

And For My Next Trick...

2009-07-14T08:00:00.001-04:00

I will make all my dignity disappear.

My final column is up on Deadspin. Yes this one has two things going for it: Me in a Speedo and several references to "6 inches" and "my block." Just click the link and enjoy. Also, I'd like to note in this most public of forums that my sister and I are finally even. The debt has been settled.

Click HERE, you animals

ARod and Guest Posting.

2009-07-12T20:41:00.003-04:00

Nothing like watching A-Rod blow it in the 9th. Tremendous.

Off to a wedding in Upstate New York, expect guest posts this week. And if you've got something good you want on Thoughts From a Fat White Guy, email it to me. If it's good enough, it will go up.
If it doesn't, well---don't quit your day job.

Rob

Welcome Back To America

2009-07-09T21:32:00.002-04:00

I'll keep this short--expect more sports content in the coming days.
But my first act on American soil: Order a cheeseburger, extra ketchup (yes, Heinz).

My second act? Open my mail---apparently I am not out of the reach of the long arm of the Austrian law. That's right, the Klagenfurt police have mailed me a $250.00 dollar speeding ticket. Registered mail. Will I be paying?
Chicken McDoubt it.

Anyway, I'm back. And the celebrity death-toll has climbed to untold heights.--what the hell did you people do while I was gone?
Apparently no more moon-walking. Or OxyClean.

God bless America. And Wakefield's knuckle ball (apparently the good years start at 42)

FWG: A Man and His Hot Dog

2009-07-05T14:22:00.004-04:00

Perhaps the greatest of all the phalic-sympol sports, The Nathan's Fourth Of July Hot Dog Contest has come to embody the true American spirit: Overeating and dominating the Japanese. Today you can put a big check mark in the W column for the good ol' U.S of A. Taste it Japan.(As I type this from the Tuscan country side, the Italians are confused about my impromptu U-S-A! chants and why I keep asking for firecrackers. These boots are back on American soil on July 8th. Get excited.)

Out of the office...

2009-07-04T16:38:00.002-04:00

I apologize for the lack of updates lately. I just returned from a coaching a youth football camp which is equal parts rewarding because of the excitement and the learning ability and comical because of the language, cultural differences and the fact that they are kids. An exchange:

- Nice job, but don't backpedal.
- I wasn't backpedaling, I was running backwards.
- (Stunned silence.)

And now I'm out for a two week holiday in Ireland while The Fat White Guy continues his romp around Europe with the ladyfriend. Follow him at twitter. I'm not that high tech. Nor do I possess the necessary discretion.

Happy Fourth ladies and gents. Eat, drink, and blow stuff up. Do it for America.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot - Travel Edition

2009-07-01T09:32:00.002-04:00

Once more proving my hunch that it's not even worth trying to make things up. Reality will top anything you dream up {Thanks to the ever vigilant Bee.}:

The Dog Ate My Passport

EAU CLAIRE, Wis. -- A Wisconsin teenager using a classic excuse for evading
schoolwork missed a class trip to Peru despite his tale being true: The dog
ate his passport.
Officials at Chicago's O'Hare airport told 17-year-old Jon Meier the
chewed-on document was fine, but authorities in Miami rejected it and wouldn't
let him board the southbound aircraft.
His family's 1-year-old golden retriever, Sunshine, chewed a corner of the
document, obscuring some numbers. Meier couldn't get another passport in time to
join the trip with his Spanish class from Eau Claire North High School. The
12-day trip ended Monday.
Meier says he can't blame anyone, not even Sunshine: "I love her too
much."

Let this be a lesson to all. Your passport is gold. You can lose anything and everything else and make the trip work as long as you have your traveling papers. Without it, not at all. Even with your sick money belt or fanny pack. {Also double check your travel date. Almost showed up on Monday for a Sunday flight. That probably wouldn't have worked out all that well. And I've walked through an airport trying to find a buddy who wouldn't arrive for another 24 hours. Not good things.}

If you don't have a passport, get one {You can't go to Canada or Mexico without one.} If you do, put it in a safe place outside of the dog's reach.

GOULET (somehow relate it back to UCONN...)

2009-06-30T08:00:00.001-04:00

I was checking out Chuckie Hacks for some Brewers info and there was this post alluding to Will Ferrell as Robert Goulet. Very funny, but guy was funny in his own right doing NCAA basketball commercials in '95. Here's a taste:

'If you're not watching him, you don't know Dick!'

I could reach and say that there's a male UCONN cheerleader in the sixteenth video and there's probably a shot of Jimmy Calhoun Superhero {Not the Austrian doppelganger.} somewhere. Alright, I'll go ahead and do that.

But set aside ten minutes and bask in the awesomeness that is the real Robert Goulet. Thong song.

Lie to yourself to have fun

2009-06-29T01:44:00.004-04:00

Lie to yourself.

Coach Mason said that more times than I can count at Minnesota. It's one of countless coaching catchphrases that is etched on my brain no matter how hard I try to forget. In essence it's a coachspeak plea to trick yourself into thinking that practice or lifting or running or whatever task was immediately in front of us that we had little particular interest in accomplishing and turn it into a productive session. Convince yourself it will be fun. And more often than not when the players just said, 'Screw it, let's act like little kids in the backyard', the practice turned out to be more enjoyable. And usually more productive.

On Saturday Djurgården came up short again this weekend, 21-7. Again it's the same refrain of missed opportunities and allowing big plays, but more than that we didn't have fun in the first half. We were outscored 21-0. The second half was fun. The score that half was 7-0 and by putting ourselves in a hole we had to chase a bit. Football is a game of emotion and having fun at it's primal level. Well, and violence. Lots and lots of {usually} controlled violence.

I only mention it because whatever we do, we do it either because we have to or we want to. If we want to do whatever activity, there's probably a bit of fun inherent in it. If we have to, we must do it anyway, so may as well make it fun, right?

Either way it can't hurt for you to lie to yourself in order to make it more fun, can it?

One more amusing thing about Sweden

2009-06-26T13:37:00.004-04:00

A psychotic feminine shriek from a neighboring apartment after Sweden scored it's second goal against England in the under 21 soccer Championships. They have since equalized {Accompanied by frenzied dancing on the floor above.} after going down 3-0 in the first half.

For the 99% of people who don't care, the Swedish word for nipple is bröstvårtan - which translates to 'breast wart'. And the areola is 'breast wart field'.

Enjoy your weekend and entertain your friends with your new Swedish vocabulary.

This reinforces why I should not have a Twitter account {Or maybe I should? I see it as a Frankensteinian conglomeration of texting, blogging and emailing. I could be spot on or way off. I'm also not real concerned about this ambiguity. And the 140 character limit seems so constricting.}.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot - Swedish Fashion

2009-06-26T10:53:00.003-04:00

Why hello there.

A buddy showed up to practice wearing this yesterday. Yes, that is a salmon tee, shorts that are in fact incredibly short and not boxers - they have pockets and everything, hot pink old school Nikes and an old-school Nike pullover. He is a bit understated when considering the collective get-up of the entire Swedish male population.

The Russian Rocket said that shorts this summer should not come down to the knee {A piece of fashion advice I will likely be avoiding.} and he wanted to err on the side of caution. Methinks you're solid on that front. He also probably assembled this eclectic ensemble in the absence of light. But it provided a visual train wreck to gawk at and fodder for today's post.

In spite of my better judgment, I will continue to remain friends with him. I will, however, refrain from taking fashion advice.

Birthday and Subsequent Threats of Gun Violence

2009-06-25T11:00:00.000-04:00

Today is the day when I will be threatened with execution by firing squad should I ever become a centenarian.

Let me explain.

Instead of the typical happy birthday song, Swedes sing "Ja, må du leva (uti hundrade år)" which translates to "Yes, may you live (to a hundred years old)". And instead of the "cha, cha, cha" or what have you, the cheeky Swedes add another verse threatening to put the celebratee on a stump and shoot them if they do, in fact, reach triple digits.

A bit morbid, but it amuses me. Although depending on how the last three-quarters of that quest goes, I may have to find someone to carry out a Denny Crane - Alan Shore arrangement:

Denny Crane: I don't fear death - never have. But I do fear being hooked up to a machine ... would you want to live like that?
Alan Shore: No, Denny, if it came to that, I'd pull the plug.
Denny Crane: Pull the plug? That's no way to die. I want you to shoot me!

For the record, if you can hear me speaking that's not the time. Thanks in advance.

Guest Blogger: CJ Marck

2009-06-24T20:17:00.002-04:00

Facebook message from Rob Lunn to CJ Marck Dated June 18^th at 11:53 pm: “CJ how the hell are you man? Are you even alive? If so, would you like to be a guest blogger on my website and talk about what it is like to transfer schools and talk a little bit about your summer training?”

Well Lunn, I am alive, and barring contract negotiation I would be honored to write a little blurb. Please forgive in advance any of my attempts to be humorous, as I can not match Rob’s level of intelligence with the keyboard.

For those of you who don’t know me, I played with FWG during the 2007 and 2008 seasons at Connecticut. He has moved on to play professional in Europe (not be to be confused with Massachusetts High School Football) and I have transferred to Miami University, which is in Oxford, Ohio (yes people frequently ask me how I’m enjoying the sunny weather in Florida). My transfer was made prior to the International Bowl and I landed at Miami University in January. Before I start talking about some of the similarities and differences between the two programs, I just want to say that I have the utmost respect for UConn Football and the University of Connecticut. I am thankful for the opportunity Coach Edsall gave me to be a part of the Husky football program and I still have many close friends from the team who I will be cheering for every Saturday this fall.

Since I am from Pennsylvania, and Rob is from, of course, Upstate New York (throw up your U’s), it wasn’t uncommon for us to have the “better high school football state” discussion every now and then. After already being challenged to similar arguments in Ohio, I have determined that this banter must occur in most college locker rooms. There is absolutely nothing to gain from proving your state is better, besides pride, but nonetheless, I will never turn down a good challenge to defend Pennsylvania HS football.

In addition to locker room talk, the off-season training programs at Miami and UConn are pretty comparable. There are some small differences, like at Miami we can listen to music while we work out and our strength training incorporates more power lifts like power cleans, hang cleans, and that sort of stuff. One major difference is that Miami does not have an indoor practice field. Getting up four days a week in February in Ohio at 5:30 to run for an hour is not exactly ideal (no wonder we are lacking recruits from Florida). Our strength coach insures us that it could always be worse, as he has worn shorts to every single workout so far. God bless him. However, these workouts, just like UConn (although indoors), are necessary to succeed in Division 1 Football, as you either work for it or you don’t.

Since I transferred from D1 to D1, NCAA rules force me to sit out a season (ladies I’m single and have some free time…). I won’t get into this too much, but in my opinion when a 17-year-old commits to a college in June after his junior year in high school, he shouldn’t be punished if the situation doesn’t work out in his favor after two years.

Thankfully, I find myself coming in with a brand new coaching staff and being able to play on the same team again with my younger brother Steve. Also, my easy-on-the-eyes older sister, an ex-super star athlete at UNC will be living nearby in Ohio for the next year. Oh and did I mention that Miami is known for “its beautiful campus, business school, and attractive women with questionable morals.” Most of the girls seem to spend more time getting ready for class in the morning than I do studying for a semester’s worth of exams. Me, still rocking the sweats and Davy Crocket winter hats. Miami actually has a campus. A street with restaurants, bars, you name it; very unfamiliar territory up in Storrs.

That’s all I got. We play Northwestern, Cincinnati, Boise State, and open up with Kentucky this year so we definitely have our hands full. I’m sure you will be able to catch a game of ours on some random Tuesday night in the fall. That’s how it goes down in the MAC baby. And who knows, maybe International Bowl 2010, UConn v Miami. Wouldn’t that be ironic? Cue Alanis Morissette.

Favre to Vikings smells like Febreze

2009-06-24T11:37:00.003-04:00

Well, apparently, that's done. Or not. Since it's the guy who originally broke the story citing another media person and it hasn't been corroborrated by anyone within the Viking camp. I apparently had a much better handle on the situation that I thought when he originally retired from the Packers over a year ago.

What I wrote then, and still think now. It's like dating someone, knowing that it's best for both parties involved. You reminisce about the good times but ultimately realize that it was the right choice. And the way things have shook out Brett seems like the girl who becomes rather promiscuous. You're sad to see him sully himself in the eyes of others, you know that they're special, but ultimately glad that it's no longer your problem.

I'm looking forward to the Viking fans who ripped him when he played for the Pack breaking down when they have cheer for him to have their team be successful. Schaedenfreude. Good times. This will be the only Brett Favre post coming from yours truly, because I'm as sick of the whole song and dance as you are.

March 5, 2008

Brett Favre is retiring today. Supposedly. I’ve heard the talk before. He’ll be back. Or so I and millions of others hope. I try not to be partial to the point of abandoning reality or selfish as a fan, but with Favre there was always something. It could be great or it could be terrible, but there was always something to watch.

I didn’t think that it would affect me. He's an old professional football player. That's what they do. They retire. We knew it was coming. Or possibly coming. I laughed at my buddy when he was talking about how stunned he was when there was a false alarm on SportSCenter, and he just sat there and couldn’t function.

That couldn’t happen to me. I’m a fan, yes, but up until the point where I invest an unusual, unhealthy or mildly psychotic amount of interest or emotion. Aparently I forgot that fan is short for fanatic. No matter how far I try to keep it hidden under the façade of a responsible, respectable human being.

One of the ladies I work with just casually walked by and said, “Brett’s retiring”. It didn’t hit me at first. What is she talking about? We don’t work with a Bre…wait a minute… It can’t be…He can’t… He did. And it did. Affect me, that is. Not to the point of the lady who said there were no dry eyes in the plant when they heard. I can’t do that. Not for someone I’ve never met. Not yet. Maybe later. During Favre 4Ever. That usually gets me.

I don’t want to say that I didn’t appreciate him while he was playing. I did. But I’d like to think I had a more balanced view of his play than most Packer fans. Too many times he would force a ball or make a dumb play and announcers and fans would fall into the ‘gunslinger’ trap. I wouldn’t fall into it, I'd say, I’m a knowledgeable fan. Or so I like to think. A fan of the game, of playing the right way, of not playing dumb. That throw was terrible, stupid and indefensible. (Essentially like me writing.) But that’s what you get with Brett, they say, you have to take those for all the plays he does make.

And he would make those plays. Oh boy, would he make those freaking plays. The ones that defy description, that are pure improvisation, that are the result of competitive enjoyment that make you look to your dad, your family, your buddies, the random people you’re sitting next to at Lambeau and all you can do is shake your head and laugh and high five and bang on the drum all day.

He would make ridiculous back-handed flips while scrambling to his left. He would wrap the ball all the way around on a draw to the running back. He would fake a throw after handing the ball off. He would fake a throw fifteen yard past the line of scrimmage and make defenders look ridiculous. He would get up after being sacked and get in the D-Lineman’s face. He would play entire series without buckling his chinstrap. He would thread the ball into ridiculously small places with incredible velocity. He would take off his helmet and run around like someone’s little brother in the backyard. In the Super Bowl. He would throw a snowball after he threw a touchdown and give a ref a high-five. He would play.

I’m sure people wanted him to grow up. And he did. Just the right amount. He became a husband, father and elder statesman of the green and gold with the grizzled gray beard. He became more responsible. Got over his share of demons. But he never lost the fun of playing. Never became stuffy or preachy. When he was miked up he always came up with some gems:

-What, you think God never farted?
-This ain’t the damn Ice Capades.
-Yip cabbage.
-Mr. Miyagi.
-Whoa Nelly, Keith Jackson. ... Take back some of them flapjacks, I gotta stay HUNGRAAY for the Crimson Tide.
-Put ‘er in the ol’ vice. Put ‘er in the ol’ vice. Put ‘er in the ol’ vice.

I'd buy a DVD collection with all of the miked up footage on it.

In all likelihood, I am still in the denial phase of grief, against my better judgment, thinking that there can be no other Packer quarterback. Starr and Majik and all the others were a logical progression to Favre. I’m sure I’m not alone. But there will be another, and people will love him, too. Just not in the same way. Well, maybe, but it's too soon, and I feel blasphemous even mentioning the possibility.

I feel like I lost something and I can’t verbalize what was lost and therefore cannot come any closer to accepting it. But you can’t describe him accurately with words you needed to see him. He was both ends of the spectrum, sometimes at once. The one who waffled and held the Packers hostage personnel-wise in previous off-seasons. The one who then brought the NFC Championship Game back to Green Bay. The one who started and ended his NFL career with an interception, the one who threw more of them than anyone else in the history of the league. But also the one who threw more touchdowns than anyone else in the history of the league. The one who was Four.

I love the way he is as all boys are. Or at least in their mind. You don’t think I can play anymore? Watch. I’ll show you. What, now you want me to stick around because now you think I can play? I’m done. I want to be done, so I'm through. But, I told you so. {Now you think I'm washed up? Give me my pads. I'll show you.}

And I can see the boyish Cheshire grin peeking out from underneath a ragged red hat. {Even though I want spectacular train wreck plays against the Pack this year.}

Your Fat White Kid Moment of the Week

2009-06-24T08:00:00.003-04:00

He has an excellent chance to grow up to be a blogger on this site. HT: Various blogs - At this point I had switched to the USA - Egypt tilt hoping they could tack on another goal to advance. They did.

Who says soccer is boring? Stocky little fella from every Disney sports movie ever made does. Kid, if you had topped it off with the truffle shuffle my head may have exploded. If only you were born a decade earlier, you would have killed in The Big Green.

To be fair, I apparently sucked on plastic bags instead of my thumb when I was a toddler. Which explains quite a bit actually. Luckily I had parents who made sure I didn't make a punchline out of myself on international television. That and there was no YouTube.

Liquor sales at new Gopher stadium

2009-06-23T16:00:00.000-04:00

The Regents are scheduled to vote tomorrow on whether or not they are going to allow alcohol sales for the inaugural season of Not The Metrodome*. I don't see what the big issue is with allowing liquor sales in the entire stadium. Arbitrarily placing restrictions on something that is legal is absurd straight away, but the enormous amount of revenue that is lost also seems a bit shortsighted. Underage students will imbibe and people will overindulge, but there is security and police present - wouldn't it be easier to curtail unruly behavior inside the stadium confines rather than the pre- and post-game tailgate and house party expanse? And it's a college freaking football game, not a kindergarten dance recital. There's nothing more American than sitting on your ass eating and drinking body damaging substances while watching other people exert themselves.

However, if the Regents do want to shun 'logic' and 'making money' and do decide to ban sales, well then go ahead. I don't necessarily think that because the vast majority of other collegiate on-campus stadiums ban alcohol sales then the U should blindly follow suit. I understand trying to avoid the potential liability and problems that may arise because of in-stadium alcohol sales. But is the message a institution of higher learning wants to send students {Because undeniably that is who the restrictions are primarily aimed at. And of course they won't succeed in bringing in libations of their own, right? If all the brain power and effort that college students used engineering drinking supplies and games went to benefit humanity, we could wipe out hunger, disease, and be well on our way to living in a veritable utopia in two years. Alas.}: 'You aren't mature enough to handle this, so we're going to take it away from you.' I mean, the most famous drunken incident at the Metrodome last year had nothing to do with Minnesota students.

Why the State Legislature decided to make a new law because allowing liquor sales in premium seating areas "struck some lawmakers as elitist" is beyond me. Of course it is elitist. Any place of business that inflates prices to exclude a certain demographic is elitist. The elitism doesn't bother me; people with money have greater access to more places and services. The state government stepping in doesn't exactly bother me. The politicians are trying to come up with something tangible {beer sales at Gopher games} or the perceived effort of doing something for the greater good; they're politicians - hell, too many of them are worried about a college football playoff or steroids in baseball than more pressing issues facing the country. What bothers me the most is the University high-ups wringing their collective hands rather than making a decision.

Give the thumbs up or thumbs down and let's move on, shall we? {But you'd be a lot cooler if you went with the thumbs up.}

* I refuse to call it by its proper name because of a run-in with the omitted entity. I deposited a check, purchased about four/five things after the aforementioned transaction. After taking up issue with the overdraft fees, I was informed that it was company policy for all deposits to be processed the following business day and that there was no way they could reverse the charges incurred {about $150 for roughly $30 worth of purchases}. I know this to be blatantly untrue because a year or two earlier on a legitimate overdraft, I was prepared to pay the fee and was told by the teller that he would just erase the charge. He may have been gay and doing it to hit on me, but that's not really the point. I hate you unnamed bank.

A Goodbye To Austria

2009-06-23T08:00:00.000-04:00

Dear Austria,
Thanks for the memories. No seriously, thank you. Whether it was discovering a Nazi-sympathizer landlord or swimming in the Worteresee:
you never cease to impress. Not to mention all the delicious Murauer that I drank; Yes, in excess on occasion. Thank you for sparking heated debates on team buses: For the official record, I still believe you could take the best rugby players in the world, and they would get their asses handed to them on a Rugby pitch versus NFL Guys with no training. I mean, Ray Lewis? C'mon---he killed a man. But, I digress. This is my official goodbye to you, with your scenic mountain and even nicer population. My time here had so little to do with football, and so much to do with discovering Europe, it's people, and myself.
Yes, a metaphoric tear comes to my eye, when I think about the early struggles in the grocery store---oh and you keen sense of humor "American Sandwich." Well played, Austria. Well played. Or was it the cultural saturation that was your best joke, I hate to admit it, but in month two I was considering buying skinny jeans, and shaping my receding hairline into a soccer mullet, and changing my name to Jahn (or was it Johahn...).
Not to mention your coffee---it has meth-addicts and crack smokers jealous. That stuff is so good it should be illegal.
So as I prepare for my Euro-Trip, I want to say thank you. Thanks for having me. I'll be back soon.
Yours Truly,
Rob

FWG on Twitter and FWG's Sister on this Blog

2009-06-22T11:06:00.004-04:00

Hey everyone, Rob's sister here. You may have heard of me from my one-hour Deadspin fame and the subsequent attempted murder of my little brother ("little" used loosely).

Anyway, he asked me to post a link to his Twitter page. He has left Austria for a whirlwind trip around Europe with his lovely girlfriend and probably won't be posting much on the blog. He will, however, be twittering from his fancy Blackberry World.

So feel free to follow his tweets here.

And if anyone would like to hear some embarrassing stories about Robbie, I have the password to the blog for the next two weeks and will honor requests in the comments section. Revenge is a bitch.

-Nicole

Work is Stupid

2009-06-22T09:00:00.001-04:00

It is time for me to pay up one half of my bargain that comes with whoring myself out for the sake of juvenile diabetes research. A lovely lady who shall remain unnamed {Because, well, you'll find out shortly.} was the sole donor of a cool hundred bones. Which was way more than I was expecting. Also, you have just a bit over a week to enter Vince Wilfork's raffle to win some Patriots tickets as well as a barbeque. And who doesn't love a barbeque?

Without further ado, here's the guest post. Do not be intimidated by the lack of Y chromosome, big words, logical thought process and presence of maths. Enjoy.

Yeah, I said it! Work is totally stupid. Not only is it stupid, but the entire concept of working in general is absurdly mind boggling. Here’s Pulitzer Prize Winner Ellen Goodman to explain this a bit more eloquently.

“Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.”

Bam! There you have it -- the epitome of absurdity. What’s worse is that we spend half our lives repeating this vicious cycle, setting the same bass-ackwards example that previous generations did before us.

You’ll have to forgive my rather jaded demeanor. Perhaps I’m having trouble transitioning from the college-induced Hedonistic lifestyle that seemed to suit me so well to the fun-sucking, mind-squandering, humanity-deficient, politically-charged wasteland that is “Corporate America.” It’s a bitch!

Nonetheless, I’m not completely oblivious to the fact that, were I to create a movement that resulted in much of the population opting to wander aimlessly through life like nomads rather than get a job, the earth, if not the entire Milky Way, would certainly implode. Employment is necessary to sustaining a workable society. Without employees how would I get my Nachos Bell Grande and a cab ride home from the bar? What’s even worse is I wouldn’t have a bar to stumble from or a home to stumble to. So yeah, I get it. Work is necessary. What gets me isn’t the idea of doing something productive to benefit society. It’s the fact that work isn’t supplemental to a happy life, instead its life-consuming nature forces people to sacrifice a greater portion of themselves than I’m prepared to part with. Quite the conundrum.

Let’s do the math. Eight hours a day, five days a week, 48 weeks a year (I subtracted four weeks for vacations, sick leave, etc.) for 40 years equals approximately 65,600 hours of your life spent working.

If you’re going to spend 65,600 hours of your time doing something, you should love it. Right? Then again, I can’t think of a single thing that I love (outside of sleeping) that I would be willing to do with such frequency. I mean, who wants to take something they truly enjoy and twist it, exhaust it, extort it until the enjoyment has completely faded?

The older I get, the less I feel I understand about life. But one thing I know is true--work is stupid.

This post further reaffirms my quest to go through life without having anything resembling a 'normal job'.

Does This Guy Look Like Jim Calhoun....

2009-06-22T08:00:00.000-04:00

Austrian political poster, nearly got in an accident when I saw this guy. I swear (to me) he looks like Coach Calhoun. And let me add this, if this guy beats cancer, breaks five ribs, completes a bike race, and then drives himself home...guess what? He's got my vote. Hell yeah.

"Take Time to Reflect on Father's Day"

2009-06-21T09:08:00.005-04:00

My father writes a weekly column for the NY Daily Record, and this week he published some of his own musings on the tradition of Father's Day. And I figured since he's my dad, and this is his day, and I've left Austria for Eurotrip 2009 with my girlfriend and don't have time to write anything myself, I'd just let you all read what he has to say.

Happy Father's Day, to all the dads out there. Here's his article:

TAKE TIME TO REFLECT ON FATHER'S DAY

"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right." --Bill Cosby
Father’s Day is Sunday. Here are some random thoughts and observations from the whimsical to the more serious.
It’s not Mother’s Day and never will be. The phone lines won’t be burning up coast to coast; gratefully, flowers are not a must and brunch reservations can usually be made anytime up through, well, probably this Sunday morning. Truthfully, when you drill down to the core of this special day for dads and hold it next to Mother’s Day, you realize that it’s somewhat like trying to compare Rochester’s Red Wings Stadium to the new Yankee Stadium. Yes, it’s the same game but definitely not the same ballpark. I remember when my son, Rob, was playing Little League baseball in Penfield. His coach, Brian Barney, brought a single rose for each mom on their special Sunday. When our day rolled around I was half expecting a sleeve of new golf balls from him but instead he tossed me a bat and some baseballs and told me to go warm up the outfielders. It has a ways to go, yet it does have a history. Father’s Day was conceived in 1909 by Sonora Dodd of Spokane, Washington. She hatched the idea while listening to a Mother’s Day sermon in church and the following year began celebrating a special day in June, the birth month of her dad. June 19, 1910 officially became the first Father’s Day and if history is any guide at all to the present, the first necktie was gifted 99 years ago this week. President Calvin Coolidge in 1924, supported the idea of a national Father's Day. Then in 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day. President Richard Nixon signed the law which finally made it permanent in 1972.

GIFTS
OK, so I made light of the necktie but seriously, the truth is that for the most part it doesn’t excite guys at all and after some 25 years the tie rack is filling up. Let me explain how men think. All the women reading this right now are thinking: "yeah right, that can be done in 15 words or less." Well, you are mostly correct, but still I can illustrate by comparing our gender to women. When I married my wife, Paula, 28 years ago she gave me one simple rule when it came to gifts – “never, never, ever give me a gift with a cord attached.” That simple rule has served me quite well over the years. But guys are radically different. We in fact like cords. Power tools, televisions, computers, pretty much anything electronic – and we like other simple amusements that don’t require much effort: concert tickets, books, and gadgets, and anything with the suffix “ball” attached to it (golf ball, basketball, football, baseball -- you get the idea). For me, the origins of this syndrome date back to my earliest childhood. If I pulled a gift from my collection at my birthday parties and it was soft and flexible it usually meant clothes – often socks – usually from my aunts and always immediate disappointment. So keep it simple, buy it with a cord or relate it to sports – or tickets to a sporting event or concert perhaps. He’ll love it. He’ll love you.

REMEMBERING
Find a quiet spot this Sunday and reflect about your dad for a moment or two. What made/makes him special in your eyes? My own father was a giant of a man. No, I don’t mean in the sense of the 1960s ballad about Big John, the miner rescuing other miners. Well, maybe that too but as a little kid he was actually a giant – all 6’4” 225 lbs of him. One of my fondest memories dates back to a family vacation we took to Ocean City, Maryland. I was 4 years old and immediately began to hone my skills as a negotiator – enhanced, apparently, by some uncontrollable tantrums. It was all about the circular boat rides next to the huge ferris wheel. Every time he tried to get me off I sobbed, begging for just one more ride – "just one more that’s all!" He patiently indulged me – again and again and again -- until he finally lost patience. I decided it was a good time to move on to the next ride. The other part of the trip I recall involved my first plunge into a swimming pool. My dad stood in the water and even at that age I was smart enough to know that if the water was up to his chest in the pool it was way too deep for me. I’m sure this was all about one of life’s important lessons and the meaning of trust but truthfully, even though I am a competent swimmer I always subscribed to the theory that if humans were meant to swim we would not have evolved to walking on two legs on dry land. He coaxed me, I trusted him; he caught me securely, we bonded. He supported me and encouraged me in everything I did or ever attempted to do in life.

APPRECIATING
In February of this year I wrote a column titled “Living a Purposeful Life.” It was about my good friend, Chris Trotto, who died suddenly last September at age 58. He went upstairs to take a nap and never woke up. The message of the writing was simple. Go find a loved one right now and hug him or her. Appreciate that person because life is precious and you never truly know what lies ahead. Yesterday, some 100 new attorneys were sworn in by my former Court, the Appellate Division, 4th Department. Among the newest attorneys was Chris’ son, Jonathan. Chris used to often talk about that swearing in day and how wonderful it was going to be -- a father/son law firm and his good friend swearing Jonathan in to the practice of law. It didn’t work out that way and Chris died just 10 days after Jonathan’s law school graduation on September 14h. The qualities he instilled in his son are on display daily. He appreciates his dad. I am proud to be practicing law with him.

Yesterday was truly a “father’s day.” I felt my good friend’s presence as the oath was administered to his son.
Take time to remember. Take time to appreciate. And, of course, gifts are always welcome (see above).

Glad Midsommar

2009-06-19T15:00:00.001-04:00

Out of the office for the weekend due to going undercover with some Swedes to drink schnapps, eat herring and dance around a penis pole. Seriously. It's supposedly an ancient Swedish celebration of male fertility.

That song is about how frogs don't have ears or a tail. Ooo-wacaca, indeed. There's another traditional ditty that roughly translated means you're a momma's boy and I'm a momma's boy and everybody is a momma's boy. Sometimes telling the truth is funny enough.

If you need an excuse for binge drinking this weekend, go ahead and celebrate the longest day of the year under the guise of celebrating Swedish culture.

Notable Alum Name Game

2009-06-19T09:00:00.002-04:00

I love random trivia. Back home I have some buddies that are fantastic at coming up with pointless games such as: One person thinks of a town in your state, gives the first letter, and other people have three guesses. Or attempting to list as many roster members from teams around 10 years ago. It's a great way to kill lulls in conversation, although it usually just leads to that being the entire discussion.

Over at Joe Posnanski's Blog he has some excellent useless conversation fodder. The rules:

For each college you have to pick the best (1) Basketball player; (2) Football player; (3) Baseball player and (4) Wildcard, which could be any sport, anything semi-involving sport or if it’s good enough a cool alumni who has nothing at all to do with sports.

I'll add an additional element for the FWG discussion: The Black Sheep. Basically the alumnus that you're less than keen on having graduated from your school.

Minnesota

Basketball: Kevin McHale
Football: Bronko Nagurski
Baseball: Paul Molitor
Wildcard I: Herb Brooks (US Olympic team hockey coach)
Wildcard II: Ric Flair (whoo!)
Wildcard III: Bob Dylan (wrote song for Hurricane Carter)
Wildcard IV: Patty Berg (co-founded LPGA)
Wildcard V: Tony Dungy
Wildcard VI: Bud Wilkinson

I would recommend Dave Winfield and Brock Lesnar as rather notable wildcards. Even though Lesnar did go to the dark side of fake wrestling for a bit. Although it is difficult to fault him for getting paid. Garrison Keillor would be one that has little to do with athletics.

Black Sheep: Yanni

And for Rob:

Connecticut

Basketball: Ray Allen
Basketball: Diana Taurasi
Football: Brian Kozlowski
Baseball: Charles Nagy … special mention for the remarkable Walt Dropo
Wildcard: Sam Rutigliano (coach of Kardiac Kids Browns) and Leigh Montville (sportswriting idol), two heroes at one school. Almost impossible to believe the awesomeness.

Suggested Black Sheep: Moby. You have anyone worse than that, Rob?

Go over, check it out and leave some comments to see what colleges readers support and how they fare. I'm thinking that the rankings are based entirely on what they did after they left school - if things were changed to only factor college performance, the lists could look vastly different. Although Bee may have things pretty well locked down either way with UNC.

Who Ya Got?

2009-06-18T11:35:00.003-04:00

Well, again the internet has blessed us with more great videos. I don't know if this is where my "career" as a blogger is headed, but it could very well be. So again, vote in the comment section:
Which is a better on-camera fight; Cyborg Santos v. Blogger OR Jim Rome v. Jim "Don't Call Me Chris" Everette? You be the judge.
(fast forward to the 4:20 mark)

OR

Is it Jim Rome pushing Jim Everett's buttons...a ballsy move. I'm callin' it: This one goes to Romey. However, due credit must be given to the blogger who gets his ass kicked by a girl. In his defense he was approached from the rear, while being distracted by a clever translation.

Defending the tie

2009-06-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

They say a tie is like kissing your sister. Perhaps the axiom originated in West Virginia {Coach Stew apparently forgot to mention incest in the laundry list of natural resources abvndant in the Mountain State.}, but I don't mind kissing my sister, provided it's a peck on the cheek. It could be because I haven't seen her in about four months and even if I could she's a teen - so she'd probably just punch me. Whatever, it's not the best possible situation, but it's not bad.

I know that endorsing the tie seems like an un-American thing viewpoint, but ties were a part of the college football landscape until just over a decade ago. The purpose of games are to accurately gauge the relative skill over roughly a three hour period on one day. As with anything, answers are not always black and white but shades of gray. Adding the tie as an option to win or loss makes a team record more accurate, no matter how unsatisfying a tie would be to fans, the media, coaches or players. Naturally there would be someone who would 'win' the tie and someone who would 'lose' it, but there's sixty minutes of play and if there is nothing between the teams during the time, why should we artificially introduce a difference?

Without a doubt college overtime is incredibly exciting and entertaining. But introducing giving the ball to the offense at the +25 during the extra period is akin to starting extra inning baseball games with a man on second, or every possession of a basketball overtime with a three on two fast break. It completely disregards two phases of special teams {Kickoffs and punts}, which are integral facets of the game. We could go on about changes to make the overtime more palatable. A fifth quarter broken into seven and a half minute sections, with the teams switching ends between them. Three overtimes max, then end the game due to player safety {I saw this mentioned by another writer, but cannot remember where. Apologies to whomever came up with the idea.}. A team pushing the game to overtime awarded a half-win, while the team ultimately prevailing gets a full win, similar to the NHL's current regular season overtime scenario. The list could go on and on, but the reality is all of them, like the structure of college football is flawed.

As frustrating as it is leaving a game at a tie {I've been to several soccer games that ended in scoreless draws. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling like two hours was completely wasted. And the two hours of build-up with no release may be one of the biggest reasons for hooligans. That and they're freaking jacked in the head.} at the end of the year it may make the picture more clear. {Warning: extreme hypothetical forthcoming. And admittedly not the best of examples, but the best I can come up with.} If Texas and Texas Tech had finished their epic game in Lubbock last year in a tie, why should we arbitrarily determine a winner? If a tie is scored and kept, that breaks the three-way morass between Oklahoma, Texas and Texas Tech.

Play on the field under the regulation rules should be the measuring stick between two teams. If they stack up the same, what is the harm in calling a spade a spade and saying they were equal on one day instead of implementing new rules to declare a winner? Re-introducing ties could also jumble up the standings and national title picture further, but with a truer representation in the comparison category.

Now go and kiss your sister, the Mountaineers beg you {Post-smooch couch burning optional.}. See, it's not so bad.

Allow Me...

2009-06-18T08:00:00.000-04:00

Please allow me to demonstrate to you the difference between European "sports" and those of the American persuasion.

European:

American:

....making it too easy, guys. Insert your own Dubya Dubya Two reference here.

/Pele v. Lawrence Taylor.

+1 to Ryan McGuire for his insight.

This Week's Sign Of The Apocalypse

2009-06-17T12:00:00.000-04:00

I've been saying for weeks that the 80's were alive and well in Europe. Pastel shirts, rolled up blazers, and of course a love for "Miami-Wize" all could have been contenders for This Week's Sign Of The Apocalypse. But then, out of no where: proof-positive of why God loves us and wants us to be happy:

I miss America.

And The Winner Is....

2009-06-17T08:15:00.000-04:00

In a decisive victory (1-0) Big Dave and his "Wann-stache" pull it out, over the Pool-man-chu of Phelps. I am however disappointed, not mad...disappointed at the lack of voting. 2,000 people a day, and one of you voted. For shame. For shame.
In later news, congrats to Wannstedt and his killer lip-fur.

On the nature of winning (16-0)

2009-06-16T09:00:00.001-04:00

Djurgården put together a solid effort and a 16-0 win on a wet Friday night that kept the typically sparse crowds at about forty to fifty people. Not too many in the States are used to more players on the field that in the stands. It wasn't always pretty {We don't have a lot of beauty on the team. Plenty that think they are, however.}, but they don't ask how - they ask how many. We made it plural in the good column {2-3 on the year} and any time there's singing after a game it makes for much better times, plus the good readers are saved me rationalizing a loss and discussing the negatives of losing. And farmer tan - no one needs to hear about that crap.

Winning makes everything better, even the inevitable rough patches that any team goes through. Especially football teams. The sheer number of players and coaches bringing varying backgrounds and temperaments to the table creates a natural tension. Hell, my roommate wanted to beat the shit out of me a couple months ago, and rightfully so, because I blasted him in the back during a practice dispute {Anyone who has played understands that the offense/defense dynamic changes drastically during practice.} and that was before we had played in a game. When the wins aren't coming tempers are a little quicker to flare, and can make winning even more of an obstacle.

Enduring losses is part of the game. Any game {I'll save you the obvious life parallels.}. There's no point in playing if you know you're going to win every time. Half the teams who played American football this weekend lost {Hooray Confed Cup!}. Walt Whitman didn't play a down but he recognized that "battles are lost in the same spirit in which they are won." It's a matter of controlling what you can control, giving the maximum effort for as long as possible, enjoying the whole process and hoping you are fortunate enough to get the requisite amount of luck. Heeding those words is a lot easier when you are winning.

It's also a lot easier to enjoy your teammates when you win instead of absorbing defeat and mentally rehasing turning points in the game. Those who step in and perform at a high level. The jubilation after the final seconds tick off. The impromptu chants in the locker room. Singing 'Don't Stop Me Now' horrendously off key, off time and with utter disregard for the lyrics. Busting on guys while getting ready. The breakdowns are louder, the showers warmer, the beverages tastier, the conversations more intellectual {Well, maybe more lively...}, the carousing more Bacchanalian and the body less sore after wins.

The people are the same; the effort is the same. The only thing different is a number. Sometimes it takes a win to be reminded of that.

UNC Revisited

2009-06-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

From reader and frequent commenter Bee 2636 regarding our passing over of his Tarheels in our preseason Top 25 review a couple weeks ago.

OK, here's my buck-twenty on UNC (inflations has killed any 2 cents worth).

First a disclaimer: this is not a scouting report and any use of this material without the express, written permission of the Commish of the ACC, The UNC System, UNC Athletics, is forbade lest you die at the hands Rameses and his killer ninjas.

19. North Carolina (I dunno--sportwriters, I was THERE)

This might be a more questionnable year than 2008 ( the Coastal table was set for us three separate times and we dropped our utensils every time).

Hurdle: "North Carolina always has been/is/always will be a 'basketball school'."

(so thinks/sez the majority of the state..maybe even the country). Charlie 'Choo Choo' Justice (R.I.P.), Dick Crum and Mack Brown would argue their point. One of the keys to breaking 'the myth' is to have solid coaching, recruiting and talent for more than a 3-5 yr coaching experiment. Which leads to my next two points.

Recruiting: The 2009 class of 29 signees posted in the Top 10 (depending on who/what you read anywhere from #5 to #8) which IS important when your goal is to make that same tier

in the National Rankings, but as we all know, no immediate impact threats. Where Crum, Brown (still love 'ya -- Hook-em Horns) and Davis succeed(ed) is holding on to the best in-state talent while balancing it with some national draws (Exposure..Exposure..Exposure--Gawd, I'm sounding like Edsall). The biggest draw for Butch has been running Pro-Set at the collegiate level (kids know Option as Pat pointed out, and a lot of coaches view the

spread, or variations of it, as a fad). A lot of talented recruits with NFL aspirations are buying-in on the notion of playing somewhere giving an advantage in preparing for the next level.

Coaching: No doubt, Butch Davis can coach and recruit. The issue will be can he sustain it under the modern 'Won or Done' regimes. My gut feeling is he a) stays put (alma mater -Arkansas already came a callin'), b) is successful, c) makes this his last coaching stint, d) builds a solid program (not year-in/year-out Top 10) and e) retires well before he becomes the likes of a JoePa or that Bowd'n fellar. Look for DC Ernie Withers to step up defensive secondary play. He only has a 50/50 deep secondary in experience and will have to tighten things up significantly to avert 4th quarter collapses (notably UVA and Notre Dame). With that said, I think we have taken the right step to do just that.

Offseason coaching hires, in order of position importance

1) Art Kaufman (Southern Miss) LB's - Kaufman BETTER hit the ground running with his shoes on fire yellin' "I need some more gasoline"--Why? Because he has two of the most solid LB position guys in the country (Carter/Sturdivant--more later)

2) Troy Douglas (USF) DB's - Troy KNOWS why he's there...to get the secondary playing like his string of Draft choices out of South Florida (great hire-gotta Leavitt!)--plus he and Ernie played together at Appalachian State (remember them DickRod?)

3) Allen Mogridge (Buffalo) TE's - was a former UNC OL (300lb RT from TN. TN turns out some great linemen--ask Garrett Reynolds) Thanks Turner!--we can't return a favor...Sorry folks! Park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told you--one of THE classic movie lines and from a FWG to boot).

Defense: Strong unit anchored by experienced LBs Bruce Carter SAM (see UCONN Special Teams), Quan Sturdivant MIKE (NCAA leader solo tackles) and we've added Zach Brown (blazing speed). Boxcar (yes--as in boxes with wheels) DT's Marvin Austin and Cam Thomas are back to clog the middle. Kendric Burney and Da'Norris Searcy shore up the secondary, but they're gonna need a lot of help. Quan's an interesting guy and standout both-ways player from my High School. One of two to play for the Tar Heels (the other was Rod Broadway who made his way on into the NFL--confident Quan will follow in his footsteps). The key focus for the returning core this season is to play defense at 'anticipation read speed, not at read/reaction speed'. Withers coined that gem...translated I basically think he means recognize what's about to happen and be there before it does...then again, I ain't a coach.

Offense:

Strengths - Big OL (300lb Rangz-is-Us -- Kyle Jolly/Aaron Stahl/Alan Pelc/Mike Ingersoll) anchored by Lowell Dyer C/LS (Rimington watchlist).

-Tailback tandem Shawn Draughn...prn 'Drone' as he, in his best T Dorsett rendition, told us last year (speedy, good quickness/moves and fumbles when bent backwards--especially when you're on a sustained bowl drive against WVA on National TV to seal the game for chrissakes! {not bitter}) and Ryan Houston (power, did I say power? physically punishing back that metes out pain on the order of WWE Raw). Both should be much improved.

StockAlert: Watch for the addition of Jamal Womble (an absolute Arizona Roadrunner) to the mix.

Weaknesses - Can 'Number One' QB T J Yates stay healthy with 'Number Two' QB Mike Paulus (see what I did there?) looking for a shot and redemption. Sad he's gone, but 2008 reliever QB Cam Sexton (The-Nicest-Kid-Ever-To-Tote-The-Shit-Bag-And-Still-Get-Demoted). Cam gradumatriculated and will use his final year of eligiblity for Catawba University (only a 35 minute drive away from Charlotte).

-Receiving corps is pretty well depleted of proven stars. WR's Hakeem "The Dream" Nicks and Brooks Foster (THE strongest player on the 2008 squad) move on to the NFL. We'll be looking for Greg Little (receiver-turned basketball player- turned running back-turned receiver again--and yes, you MUST catch the ball while open with a 10 yd cushion on the nearest WVA defender on National TV during a late 3rd quarter drive that may have sealed any hope of a Mountaineer comeback {again, not bitter}) , Dwight Jones and Rashod Mason to adapt quickly. If Greg does catch the ball, he has speed, power and memories of 'toting the mail'. He can be a force to bring down. Unfortunately, our stellar Fr WR recruit and early enrollee Joshua Adams (Cheshire Academy, CT), who was making noise for playing time, is doubtful after a summer workout knee injury. Yes those ARE MAN TEARS!

Special Teams: Down, Down, Down in a Burning Ring of Fire! KO/FG duties are 'under competition' which means he who scores best, scores last -- edge to Casey Barth (baby brother of KC Chief Connor Barth providing he hasn't been cut). New punter and holder (both walk-ons, NOT THAT IT MATTERS AT ALL - right Pat?). HUGE HUGE HUGE loss is WR/KR Brandon Tate (#2 NCAA all-purpose yardage and 397 yd UNC single game all-purpose record) to the NFL. Butch is still saying almost a year later, he may not be replaceable...NFL sayin' otherwise if he don't quit the 4:20 and lay off the wackygrass.

Schedule: The first half is mixed. 2 of the first 6 games are against FCS opponents (Citadel, Ga Southern). Hope we wear navy jerseys or pants for that game, otherwise visitors will think it looks like UNC vs UNC (yes, uniforms are THAT similar)...Nah, Butch'll probably wait til Week 2 and pull the navy pants on the BEast vs UCONN at The Rent (on the basis of Rutgers results last year). 3 of the first 6 games are also against the Option/Spread/Hurry-Up (UCONN, ECU and 22. GaTech). Our speed and recognition will be tested early by this trio.

The second half (after the only 'bye-week') starts ROUGH, stays TOUGH and ends with ENOUGH . Open with back-to-back Thursday ESPN games with 15. FSU (Home and off the bye-week) and 8. Va Tech (Away). Continues with upswing Duke & idunnowhut Miami (both Home) and finishes with BC & NC State (both Away). Duke and NC State swap the 'rivalry game' spots. Both could be disasterous if, a) early season Dookies avoid last year's key injuries and b) we don't go to MooU so hellbent for revenge we forget what came we to do.

Predictions: (and its a stretch) Start the season 5-1 with a fall into that pesky 3-3 slip in second half for an overall 8-4 repeat and a(nother) trip to the Meineke or maybe an Emerald bowl (that's just Nuts!). Not exactly where we need to be yet--although it could propel us to the threshold beginning in 2010 or 2011.

That's all I got to say 'bout that.

-Great thoughts and insanely in depth. Anyone else want to realistically break down their Top 25 squad for the upcoming year? Let us know.

Doc Saturday also has some thoughts regarding the 'Heels.

The question he raises is whether UNC can maintain their turnover margin proficiency from last year (+18 in 8 wins, -12 in 5 losses) while improving on their yards per game (-64 per game).

Phelps v. Wannstedt---who you got?

2009-06-15T09:58:00.007-04:00

For those of you who read this blog religiously, you know I have an unhealthy obsession with Dave Wannstedt's mustache. That being said, another facial-fur gladiator has thrown his hat into the ring, a battle royale for my affection (affliction?). Cue Europe Final Countdown () Michael Phelps is in the race. That's right America's favorite pot head has grown a heft upper-lip ornament. Not mad, but I'll put the question to you. Wannstedt's coaching, sweat soaked stache or Phelp's "Wild-when-wet-and-or-stoned" fu-man-chu.
Vote in the Comments section. Winner posted tomorrow.

The Adventures Of Super Scott.....

2009-06-15T06:49:00.001-04:00

I don't want people to start thinking I'm becoming a fashion site, although there have been a few posts on those snazzy new uniforms (navy is this season's fuscia). Anyway---Santini sent me this photo, taken only moments ago atop a mountain---in Connecticut. Notice the way the red cape accents his sharp jaw and military-high-n-tight hair cut.
I think we should send our congratulations to UConn Strenght coaches Jerry Martin and Drew Wilson; having improved Lutrus's bench, squat, clean, and flying ability. Well done guys.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

2009-06-11T17:12:00.004-04:00

By nature infomercials are inane in their subject matter and try to sell you things that you don't need. This however may take the cake.

HT: SI Hot Clicks

Too many thoughts to adequately formulate any sort of rational thought process.

Bonus points for the fat, white guy cameo: 'Being a big guy has its advantages. And its disadvantages. This is a great product.'

Frankenstein thinks this is hot garbage. If he can do it, you can too.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot originated over at Walk On Boy. Here's the initial post.

WOB: Public Urination

2009-06-10T18:01:00.008-04:00

This will be the last post relating to the Boss experiences last weekend. I didn't want to spoil the awesomeness of the experience with the mental picture of me taking a leak. Although personally, it makes the whole deal much more enjoyable. I try and live life so I have good stories to tell. Some of them may make me seem like an uncivilized rapscallion. Some of them may or may not make me unemployable in the future. That's the way it goes.

I like to think that's not the case and I'm a responsible, considerate person. So occasionally I'll do things after running my gums solely to have entertaining anecdotes. Hemmingway said, "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." I don't say I'll do something, I'll just do it. Although bodily functions necessitating the following actions probably had more of an effect than me being ridiculous.

Needing to pee rather badly during the concert in the middle of the show, knowing that the bathrooms were on the opposite end of the stadium {Apparently restroom convenience was not in the forefront of stadium planning in the early 1900s.} and having an empty 1.5 liter bottle at my disposal I conceived of the Michael Scott 'Win, Win, Win' scenario. I discretely walked to a corner, thinking that the show would distract most of the security staff, and calmly proceeded to nearly top off the bottle. I capped it and dropped it into a garbage can. No one sees my pecker, no one has to deal with the smell of stale urine, and I don't miss any of the music. Win, win, win.

After joining back up with the group, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Security guard. "Come with me." Damnit. I would have let my bladder burst before getting kicked out. Luckily, Swedes hate confrontation and love Bruce. Also, I think he was a little impressed that I almost filled the bottle up. He informed me that it's a roughly $150 fine for public urination, gave me a warning, told me not to do it again {Is that possible to pee 3 liters in just over three hours?} and let me go back to the show. However, that is not the most people I have peed in front of.

During a game at Minnesota I forgot to use the restroom {Or shower drain - you have to take what you can get when you have minimal time and 100 guys are all trying to relieve themselves.} before the game and had the unbearably painful do-the-shuffle-type-dance-to-take-your-mind-off-it bladder pains. This was at the beginning of the second quarter. Being on special teams and a walk on, running into the tunnel was not an option. It may have taken too long and relegated me to DNP - Coach's Decision status. Plus, that's not the most discrete option, anyone seeing that knows what's happening. Some guys had said if they had to go during the game they just go. I didn't play enough to create enough sweat to mask the kidney water. So I did what any rational human would do: I enlisted the help of five O lineman to form a wall in front of me, emptied a water bottle and used that as a urine repository. And don't worry, I found a spot in a garbage can to ensure no one received an unwanted surprise.

Moral of the story? I guess there's not one. This isn't Aesop's fables. But me peeing in very public places proves I'm not gun shy as well as leading to me having stories to tell and you ostensibly being entertained. Win, win, win.

Pictures Now Available

2009-06-10T10:19:00.002-04:00

Finally-- Pictures of UConn's new uniforms have arrived. Take a look...

Not only do they make the UConn captains look sleek (and svelte), they also come in four different combinations! How fashion savvy. They look great... On and off the field.

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

2009-06-09T12:00:00.001-04:00

I don't care if it is Singapore, Oklahoma, or the streets (excuse me, canals) of Venice--if there is a McDonalds---I'll find it.

Ficky Ficky 5 Dollars...

2009-06-09T08:00:00.000-04:00

At the Vikings game, I got to meet this individual. A great all-around dude with an incredibly clever T-shirt. There was something ironic to me about an Austrian with "less-than-perfect" English, sporting a T-shirt making fun of Tai prostitutes....with less than perfect English. Anyway--he bought me a post game beer, so he's more than alright in my book.

WOB: The Boss Redux

2009-06-08T18:25:00.006-04:00

I shook Bruce Springsteen's hand. Typically things of this nature don't interest me. Handshakes, pictures, autographs: if there is no meaningful interaction, I don't see the importance. Joe Paterno is the only person that I've been awed by during a cursory post-game handshake. There is no way that I can write this in a logical way, and this is the biggest platform from which I can brag.

Anyway, a group of ten-fifteen guys were waiting behind the stage in the stands for directions following the show. After the E-Streeters finished the encore and walked out, a seven foot gap was all that separated them from the tunnel to the dressing rooms. That was crazy enough. When The Boss walked out, everyone went crazy and looked around in semi-disbelief. Then a shout came back from below. Bruce had come back out of the tunnel to acknowledge a bunch of jokers there to clean up after him. Luckily a couple guys quickly ran down to shake his hand that allowed me to shake off my stupor and get down there for a put-er-there of my own. I screwed up the settings on my camera, so I don't have photographic evidence.

Also, during clean up on the stage I managed to snag a dropped guitar pick, set lists from the Friday and Sunday shows as well as his phonetic Swedish thanking the Swedes that left them momentarily confused and then in hysterics.

I'm not trying to go on about my Bruce experiences. But my weekend consisted of attending a concert Friday night, dealing with a hangover of awesome {From the concert that ying-yanged with my awesome hangover.} on Saturday, another show on Sunday night and loading out the stage following the Sunday show. I'll try and eliminate all unsolicited references to the Boss by midweek. However, I make no promises.

I mean, he shook my freaking hand...

Your Fat White Guy Moment of the Week - UK Edition

2009-06-08T08:00:00.000-04:00

Best part about the video? Aside from them bent over after the performance. My grandpa sent me the link.

Side Note: Both FWG and WOB will be in Ireland by the month's end.

WOB: The Boss

2009-06-06T16:44:00.010-04:00

Whatever you did last night, it sucked compared to my night. Bruce freaking Springsteen.

I was more excited for the show than anything I can remember, partly because of Joe Posnanski writing about how much he loves them. Partly because a buddy told me that I have to see him play. Have to. {His middle name is Bruce, after the Boss, so there's a slight bias.} But I was scared that I wouldn't like it as much as I should. I enjoy his music, but wasn't going in a fan. I probably shouldn't worry about stupid things such as if Bruce and E-Street were going to put on a show. They can jam.

How good were the tickets? Decent.

My thoughts on Bruce are completely unintelligible. I respect people who are good at what they do, but I rarely get starstruck. Now? I want to have his baby. I want him to have my baby. {I don't know how that works, but I'll raise El Bossito.} Bruce turned me into a little school girl, and I hate him for it. But I'm strangely alright with it because how can you not love a guy strutting around with a goofy shit-eating underbite grin that little boys have when they get caught with their hand in the cookie jar? The entire show, I felt privileged to see 13 friends and insanely talented musicians dicking around and having a good time, loving each other, the music they're playing.

Now for the kicker that will really make you hate me? I'm going to watch them again Sunday with my own bemused smile full of wonder when contemplating how damn lucky I am.

FWG and WOB: The Pre-Season Top 25

2009-06-05T09:04:00.003-04:00

So it's The Fat White Guy and Walk on Boy bringing you our interpretation of the Preseason Top 25 instead of saying that it is entirely too early to look at the rankings let's pretend we are remiss in not discussing them earlier.

25. Oregon State

WOB: Hopefully the Beavers can create holes to allow Jacquizz Rodgers to run wild and score at will. OK, the double entendres are too easy. But they'll need to score more than the 3 points they put up in the bowl game because they won't play teams coached by Dave Wannstedt every week. But if the other team doesn't score, they can't win. So they've got that going for them, which is nice.

FWG: Wannstedt's moustache resents that remark.

24. Notre Dame
FWG: Since when did we start rewarding such mediocrity. Do yourself a favor--go to your video collection, take out that old VHS copy of "Rudy" and burn it. You'll be doing yourself and future generations a favor. This obsession with Notre Dame has got to stop. Nevermind that I'm all pissed off about Notre Dame's treatment of UConn--but c'mon put down the Kool-Aid and be objective. 7-6 record, no consistency at quarterback should not equal a #24 ranking. What is Lou Holtz putting in the drinking water (besides errant spittle) that is making people believe this crap.

WOB: They suck for a couple years. People write them off. Then they're good for a couple years. Time for the upswing. And I'm no economic guru, but paying a former employee more than a current employee for doing {Or not showing up, as the case may be.} the same job doesn't seem like sound decision making. I used to love the Irish when I was little, but a dominating performance against Hawaii does not a successful next season make. Ask Georgia last year.

23. Iowa

WOB: Idiots Out Wandering Around. I have an unfounded and irrational hatred of the Natty Bumppo's. Replacing Shonn Greene and Mitch King will be a tall order. Although the 55-0 beat down they put on the Gophers at the end of the regular season last year to shut down the Metrodome seem to suggest that they have things at least semi-squared away.

FWG: Solid at QB with Stanzi--but great defense is what propels teams (cough-UCONN-cough). There are holes to be filled at Defensive Tackle (well placed pun)--and word is incoming recruits should be able to. But if history is any indicator, true freshman DT's aren't always capable to hang in the in interior like their older counterparts.

22. Georgia Tech

WOB: Option football may be boring to watch, but it is ruthlessly effective.

FWG: Ahh--yes, remember when Syracuse used to be good? Miss you, love you Pasqualone.

Oh yeah, they have by far the drunksiest fight song ever:

I'm a Ramblin' Wreck from Georgia Tech and a hell of an engineer,
A helluva, helluva, helluva, helluva, hell of an engineer,
Like all the jolly good fellows, I drink my whiskey clear,
I'm a Ramblin' Wreck from Georgia Tech and a hell of an engineer.
Oh, if I had a daughter, sir, I'd dress her in White and Gold,
And put her on the campus, to cheer the brave and bold.
But if I had a son, sir, I'll tell you what he'd do.
He would yell, "To Hell with Georgia," like his daddy used to do.
Oh, I wish I had a barrel of rum and sugar three thousand pounds,
A college bell to put it in and a clapper to stir it around.
I'd drink to all good fellows who come from far and near.
I'm a ramblin', gamblin', hell of an engineer.

WOB: Indeed. But if you're building anything for me Mr. Helluva Engineer, you're going to need to be sober. Thanks.

FWG: Unless you're building Dallas Cowboys practice facilities, or AirFrance planes---too soon?

WOB: Nope. Just like if it's funny once, it's funny every time; if it'll be funny in the future, it's funny now. Science. Bam.

21. Utah

WOB: Them beating Alabama made my bowl season and was absolutely no fluke. Now let's get the Mountain West to get a decent TV deal so we can see them more than one time a year.

FWG: ...and with that you assume that there are "TV's" and "electricity" in the Mid-West.

WOB: Slowly but surely, we're coming around. It's difficult to get Versus off of the bunny-ears. Lay off, we just got 8 tracks.

20. Michigan State

FWG: Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!--Michigan State is somehow always outshadowed by their "University Of" big brother--even getting beat by 1AA's and Dick Rod's awful coaching is apparently more note-worthy (not that I was upset to see him leave the Big East). I want to see State break through the barrier of unfulfilled potential.

WOB: It seems that the Spartans are consistently ranked around here in preseason. Then they either implode or shoot themselves in the foot and then work their way back. The Spartans seem to have the talent to be regularly in the top half of the Big Ten, but for whatever reason can't get things squared away.

19. North Carolina

WOB: I have absolutely no thoughts on them. My buddy Val is half Russian and told me that in Russian being a fan translates to having a sickness for a team. He's got a bad case of the Browns. Since Butch Davis used to coach them, this place seems as good as any.

FWG: This is where I remain silent--as UNC delivered UConn a beating last year. Hopefully their home games are "fully lighted" this season. Pay your electric bills UNC-- more than one of you knows what I'm talking about.

18. Cincinnati

FWG: Ben Mauk, you're collegiate career is OVER. Get on with it-- a used car dealership in Canton awaits. Distraction. Distraction. Distraction.

WOB: Does Ben Mauk have any eligibility left? He seems like the kind of guy that would live in a frat-tirement home. Not as if that's a bad thing. You got an extra couch I can crash on, Benny?

17. LSU

WOB: Les Miles may amuse me more than any other coach. Could be because of pictures like thi s.

16. Nebraska

FWG: Forget that their stadium looks like it was assembled using the "Erector Set Aestics Guide"--I like Nebraska cracking the Top 20--tradition and strong play on defensive means they deserve it.

WOB: I don't see them this high. I have nothing against the Huskers. I would like to see them be good. But I don't see them playing at the same level of KU and Mizzou the past couple of years.

15. Florida State

WOB: It seems to me that Bowden is chasing Paterno a bit to the detrament of the program. Of course, people said the opposite a couple years ago and look how well that worked out. If they end up losing the 14 games due to NCAA infractions, I see him retired after this year. By the way, why does the NCAA insist on making themselves look like the Keystone Kops all the time? Don't make yourself into more of a punchline than you already are. Note how I turned that into a rip of the NCAA instead of Bobby.

FWG: Recruiting violations? Bobby Bowden? This just doesn't make any sense. Who ever heard of a state school in Florida doing that? Bowden for President!

WOB: Naps will turn this economy around! That's change we can believe in.

14. Georgia

FWG: Former UConn TE/LS Derek Rich is officially on the roster (and eligible!) this year. For said reasons I do not know why they are ranked 14th.

WOB: Not right. But funny regardless. I'm as guilty as anyone at making people say things they don't understand solely for my amusement. What? You wanted something about actual football play next year? Sorry.

13. Oregon

WOB: Yes, their uniforms are ugly. But there are so many combinations! It's called factorials! {Why, yes I am a dork.} and you probably learned about them in fourth grade. This leads to the oppostition worrying about which outfit they will wear and less on the actual game. Diversionary tactics. Phil Knight is crafty.

FWG: Who doesn't like diamond-plated-patterns on their uniforms (apparently UCONN). In later news--the children in Nike's sweatshops have a fresh pattern every week, so yeah...that's nice.

12. Boise State

FWG: I got nothing...Pat?

WOB: Keep the same for the uniforms {And why exactly are they adding a touch of gray? A tip of the cap to Deadheads or what? I wiiill get byyyy.}. Change uniform combinations to Smurf Turf and add camoflague into the equation. Moving along...

11. California

FWG: Austria, Arnold, Joke, etc etc. Cali-fahn-ya. This post has de-evolved.

WOB: 'Claw marks' on the jersey? Right, because bears claw themselves all the time. No? You had to fight a bear with gold paint on its claws to get the uniform. Makes much more sense. Why the hell do teams insist on doing stupid things with their uniforms?

On an actual football related note they get solid quarterback play, they could do some damage. I hope that it is erratic as all hell when they play the Gophers in week three {Of course I'll work a Gopher reference in: 4 games against pre-season top 25 including a three game meatgrinder of at Penn State, at Ohio State and home against Michigan State to finish out October. Rough.}.

10. Ole Miss

WOB: I have a difficult time trusting Ole Miss and Houston Nutt separately. Put them together and I don't know what to do. Whether two negatives make a positive or just one huge stay-the-fuck-away negative. Then again, they were the only team to defeat Florida last year. They seem like a kind of team whose final position is inversely proportional to their preseason ranking.

FWG: Agreed.

9. Oklahoma State

WOB: Even though they are a talented squad, the first two things off the top of my head when I think of the Pokes is this {Way to draw negative attention to yourself after a huge win for the program, Mike. Chaz Reinhold is very upset at you. At least you did it on your own terms.} and this.

FWG: Nice Chaz Reinhold reference--will are older audience get it though? This might help.

8. Virginia Tech

WOB: Tyrold Taylor is probably not going to redshirt this year. Since that whole deal didn't work so well last year. The Hokies always contend in the ACC, but it's a crap shoot nationally.

FWG: Being the best in the ACC is like saying you were the best at Skip-It as a child. Sure you thought it was cool--but to on lookers you were just an uncoordinated loser playing in your own driveway. That said, I like VA-Tech and I love their defense. Seriously.

WOB: Are we talking Skip-it with the built-in counter or do you have to count yourself?

7. Penn State

WOB: Joe Paterno is a stud. I can't wait until I'm and old man and can say whatever I want. Sad thing is, he's usually the most logical sounding one.

FWG: JoePa is at battery-stealing age (Seinfeld reference)--and you know what? I dig it. Give it to Bowden in the backdoor, JoePa.

6. Alabama

WOB: Opponents of the Tide may have to thank Utah for either the beating or the slugfest that will inevitibly come their way this fall. Saban seems like he'd be impossible to get along with when things are going well.

FWG: "Crimson Tide"--also a metaphor for...

5. An Ohio State University (see what we did there)

WOB: Terrelle Prior could become the Midwestern Tebow. {Circumsizing Filipino function not included. As far as I'm aware.} Needs a bit of help though.

FWG: ...is this post big enough for two Filipino circumcision jokes?...decidedly not.

4. USC

FWG: Pete Carroll is the best coach in the country. Sorry Saban. Expect them in national title contention all year--and winning the whole thing. There. I said it.

WOB: It's easy to look like a genius when you have five-star recruits rounding out your three-deep. But a big part of college coaching is recruiting and I don't know if there's a better sales pitch than 'Come to Los Angeles where the water flows like wine and the women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.' Do us a favor and don't stumble in the Pac-10, guys. I would put money on the Trojans against any college team and maybe one or two NFL teams, for a single game. But I wouldn't put money on them winning the National Championship because of the recent track record for dropping very winnable games.

3. Texas

2. Oklahoma

1. Florida

WOB: All three teams better hope that their QBs stay healthy. Why any of them stayed put instead of maximizing profits in the NFL is beyond me {Or simply getting paid an additional year.}. Just seems like too big of a risk. Although I'm not sure how the lack of a salary cap next year in the NFL affects their pay. Also, Florida seems too bulletproof to actually be that good. Luck will play a large factor in who gets through to the National Championship game, especially if Oklahoma State steps in for Texas Tech in the Big XII South three-way.

Prognostication three months before an actual game is nothing more than literary masturbation, but if forced to chose at the order at the end of next season I would go with Texas {gut feeling}, Florida, USC, Oklahoma and OSU in that order, but not necessarily the top five.

FWG: Tebow is to Florida as Jesus is to Nazareth. Although I doubt any players on U of F will understand that SAT joke (chances they took their SATs...zero). I will say that walking on water might not be beyond Tebow, although NFL success might be. So I am glad (and I understand) why he stayed another year. I want to see U of F against USC in a no-holds-bar-cage match. "The War on the Shore."

FWG: UConn's New Look

2009-06-04T17:54:00.002-04:00

"Hooray, new uniforms! Hooray"

The University of Connecticut football team is updating its look.

The story out of Storrs is that coach Randy Edsall has approved new uniforms after meeting with team captains on Tuesday morning.

Read the rest HERE

WOB: Please Allow Myself To Introduce...Myself

2009-06-04T10:00:00.006-04:00

Walk On Boy embarking on the official maiden post. Please refrain from smashing a chamagne bottle over my head for good luck, because that didn't work out so well for the Titanic. Although if I go down because of gross miscalculation and I can sketch Kate Winslet nude, I'll call it a success.

My name is Pat McCarthy {You can call me Patrick [I just feel like a pretentious dickbag introducing myself as that. Why? I have no idea.], WOB, Walk, Boy, or really anything. Profanities included. Although I guess if you were going to, you wouldn't wait for my permission. There's a solid chance I've been called worse.} and I'm an alco, er, ex-Minnesota Golden Gopher football player born and bred in Wisconsin {Which may or may not be of consequence to peope outside of the area.}. I have a tendency to overuse squiggly brackets, brackets within brackets and italics. You may find it irritating, but if you have any better ideas on how to best organize my thoughts, by all means, let me know. Hopefully we can peacefully co-exist until you get accustomed to my ramblings. I carry an Indiana Jones pouch {Others may call it a man bag, murse, or something of the sort. Until I smite them with the whip I carry within.}. I can be a bit verbose from time to time.

I used to be a fat white guy. I would now classify myself as portly. Perhaps jolly. I am in Stockholm, Sweden, playing football for Djurgården {The best analogy I can come up with is imagine the New York Yankees having a club rugby team that no one really knows about. That's us.} which was named for an animal garden in central Stockholm that used to be the royal hunting grounds where a fencing club was started in 1891. Sometimes there's really no point in exaggerating or making up a story because the truth is inexplicable enough. Run on sentences are a strong suit. Living over here exposes me daily to the non-sensical, and it amuses me. And to clarify, no people who live in Sweden are not the Swiss, and banking, watch or chocolate making is not a major industry here {That would be Switzerland. But at least the first two letters are the same.} However, you would be spot on with cows, milk and dairy products.

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. One, because it makes it easier for me to come up with things after that. And two, chances are someone else is wondering the same thing, and we're here to please. Just don't make them too difficult because I am a stupid football player and can only speak in single syllables.

Thanks to Rob for bringing me on, and for everyone reading. I'm looking forward to a journey free of icebergs.

Walk On Boy: Thank You

2009-06-04T08:00:00.001-04:00

Big thanks to the Rob for allowing me to post as well as kind words from readers. It looks as if he has recovered from his self-imposed "indisposal" (life outside the bedroom must be sweet) with some ill-advised chest-bump antics. To any reader thinking that this is a good idea, I refer back to Newton's fourth law: 'When photographing two individuals significantly disproportionate in mass, a freeze frame air high five should be opted for over the chest bump.' Sir Isaac was truly ahead of his time. It's science.

And a huge thank you to the kind donation by 'Anonymous'. A clever name {And aparently a rather smart individual.}, I admit - although not the best for tracking down and claiming the prize {However small it may be.}, and by virtue of donating a hundred bones you win the double prize. I wish there was a third, so I could award the Walk On Boy treble, just cause it sounds cool.

If you're a Patriots fan or an football fan in the Northeast and want something much cooler than writing on my blog or telling my dumb ass what to wear. Buy some raffle tickets, and potentially eat a ton with Vince Wilfork and get some Pats tickets for this year {ht: Peter King, do I even need to cite that? Whatever. My English teachers were ruthless, brainwashing 'cite your sources' fanatics.}. And support diabetes at the same time. Not a bad deal at all.

Breaking News: WOB Joins FWG

2009-06-04T07:00:00.001-04:00

As some of you may have been noticing, Walk on Boy (aka Patrick McCarthy) has been doing a lot of work on this site. Well as of today he has officially been "brought on board." So look for this logo: The site will be going through some major changes and renovations in coming weeks, so stay tuned for that--as Thoughts From a Fat White Guy will be your go to place for inside access to college football (UConn and elsewhere) as well as exclusive content from the NFL. Not to mention our weekly features, "Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week" and "This Week's Sign Of The Apocalypse"

FWG: I Found The Funny

2009-06-03T08:02:00.000-04:00

Water-boarding? Electrocution? Naked beatings? Check, check, and check. No, I'm not talking about the shutting down of GITMO, nope not even close. I'm talking about LeBron and his latest ill-fated run at an NBA Championship

"Now Larry, he made the wrong choice..."

Kabob in Klagenfurt

2009-06-02T13:00:00.000-04:00

In my professional opinion (and I do consider myself a professional) there is only one place to eat in Klagenfurt. Whether it is that snack on the go or a sit down meal, it has to be Kabob. Specifically, "Kent Kabob" in the city that always sleeps: Klagenfurt, Austria. Owned and operated by my favorite Turkish people in all the world, Kent is my number one place for "cheat" meals--but even I'm not sure how "bad" kabob is for you. How could something so good, be so bad? Anyway, here is a few pictures of me annoying the owners as a order 4 kabobs at a time. I also learned the ancient art of shaving my own meat (wait, what?).

Polizia! Polizia!

2009-06-02T08:00:00.001-04:00

Maybe you’re wondering why I led this post with a picture of Ben Stiller and his perfectly maintained quaff in the blockbuster movie, Dodgeball: a true underdog story. Well let me tell you why, friend. Because that outfit is what the Italian riot police have decided to model their uniforms after. That’s right, the streets of Venice are lined with alternates for the Purple Cobras (or should I say “Viola Serpente”) dodgeball squad. Again, I'm not going to stereotype the entire Italian police, but they did look more ready for an impromptu game of street hockey than a riot. Much to the dismay of the girlfriend, I asked a policeman this question and was met with a concerned, if not quizzical look. Well, it was what I interpreted as quizzical through his dark Armani shades. That’s right: Armani is the preferred standard of eyewear for the men with batons and shields. Not mad. Who says you can’t look runway-ready while also trying to protect and serve. Not this guy.

How Not To Chest Bump Your Girlfriend

2009-06-01T11:00:00.001-04:00

You know, its all fun and games in the hills of Austria till you decide that a mid-air-chest-bump photo-op is a good idea. Take notice, this is NOT how to win the affection of your significant other.

"I'm-a marry the shit out of you"

Well Played, Hubert Cumberdale

2009-06-01T08:00:00.001-04:00

I don’t watch a lot of TV around here. European programming is notoriously bad (a big hat tip to The Office, however) and Austrian TV is NO exception. My first months here I kept wondering why everyone asked me if I wanted McDonalds and if I liked Flavor-of-Love (I don’t). So for everyone who hasn’t had the pleasure of Euro-Channel surfing here is some things worth bringing to the attention of the American audience of Thoughts From a Fat White Guy:
1) Flava-Flav will be responsible for the collapse of Western Civilization. Simple as that. The amount of play that MTV and MTV2 gets over here, with that clock-wearing buffoon on repeat seemingly 24-7 I see no reasonable conclusion other than all of Europe uniting and launching an all out offensive on America, just to shut him the hell up….Boyyyyeeeeeeee!
2) Kevin Costner is a total sell out. Sorry to spoil it for all you Field of Dreams fans out here, but Costner’s career is fading quicker than his hairline. As is evidenced by this:

Yup that’s right, TURKISH AIRLINES—STARING KEVIN COSTNER AS….KEVIN COSTNER. “You’ll feel like a star.”—this does not surprise me, the Story of Us sucked---and now Turkey is the only place that Mr. Costner feels important. Although I can’t say this is a first. There is a long and storied history of American celebrities selling out in commercials overseas. Witness the Governator below. God bless YouTube.

3) Jolly Good Time On The Pitch, Herbert! Anyone who’s been following this blog for long enough knows, I’m not crazy about soccer, ehem—football—Communist Kickball. Well CNN has their sports recap, and its 95% Soccer 5% any other American sport. The anchors and the segment fancy themselves Chris Berman’s ala Sports Center, although neither is achieved. Direct quote from today’s broadcast “Oh and he takes it up—yes, a splendid swing of the leg—and the resulting goal puts Chelsea up in the early minutes” Call me ignorant, but American sports broadcasting is the best in the world. I take that back, that’s not ignorant—that’s Patriotic. Soccer deserves a splendid swing of the foot to the ass. God Bless America.

The Vikings Game

2009-05-28T09:00:00.000-04:00

The Austrian Football League was founded in 1985 with its premier team being the Vienna Vikings who have won the Euro Bowl numerous times. Yet the most prolific game played was this past weekend, when the Carinthian Black Lions took down the Vienna Vikings in four quarters of football that epitomized David versus Goliath.

Read the rest HERE

Ignorant or accomodating: you be the judge

2009-05-28T05:47:00.002-04:00

Sat down to breakfast today at the hotel, and the woman hosting us came over with a prepared breakfast. Delightful!--who doesnt love breakfast meat? Ill tell you who--communists and terrorists. So there I am enjoying my kaffee---and the same woman approaches with an enthusiastic smile on her face. Instead of a bread basket full of typical Austrian fare--there is a basket full of white American bread. Wonderbread.
She looked at me with one of those ''you know you want it looks''
I couldn't help but think, is this the same as me approaching our quarterback DJ Hernandez with a basket full of tortillas? I'll get back to you on that one--but I'm gonna go with she was just trying to make me feel at home, so a big thank you to her.
TIA
This Is Austria