FWG: Some Things Never Change

A certain picture has surfaced. Thanks to a certain "friend." (With friends like this, who needs enemies?).

This would be my Little League All-Star Team (regional champs that year)
See if you can find the FWG*

The reason I say some things never change:

*FWG Bottom Right with Arms Extended

FWG: The Birth Control Drive-Thru (Hilarity Ensues)

While I’m sure my girlfriend will probably kill me for posting this, last night was just too fun (read: incredibly awkward) not to post. We’ve already discussed the whole “flipping the Jeep Cherokee on the highway” thing, since that little event left my girlfriend without her car and instead driving her old man’s “dumpster-pick-up truck” (a.k.a. what he uses to take the trash to the dump). Well, after rolling the car twice I have been a little “gun shy” about driving my Jeep Wrangler. Aside from the fact that that Wrangler is incredibly fun to drive, it looks like a strong sneeze could blow it over. So in this winter weather I have been trying not to drive it. Which has left me with said dumpster-pick-up.

I got out of my training session and got a text from the girlfriend telling me she needed me to grab her and her friend Jenn from class. That’s fine, after all I am driving “her car” and I was literally 100 yards away from the School of Business.

So I swing by, she and Jenn get in the truck and I assume that I am dropping Jenn off at her place then taking the girlfriend back to mine. Wrong. They ask me if I could go to CVS so they can pick up their medication. I should have realized that medication is girl code for “the pill.” But the abundance of sniffles and coughs in the car I assumed it was antibiotic or cold medicine or maybe some combination of the two.

Now we get to CVS and they ask me to go the drive through. I ring the buzzer, and a pharmacist appears. She goes through the usual formalities. “Name, address, telephone.” I give her the required response, automatically reciting my girlfriend's information. And she comes back about 4 minutes later, incredibly confused. I’m sorry Alex (girlfriend has a gender neutral name-how convenient). Your…(hesitates) birth control prescription was never called in. Instant laughter from the backseat.

This hit me wrong for two reasons.
1. I didn’t know I was getting birth control.
2. Why wasn’t my girlfriend's BC there? I didn’t want her “pulling the goalie” without talking to the coach (me) first.

So now I am having a conversation with the pharmacist being fed information about “my” birth control form the backseat. Birth control wasn’t there, her doctor had screwed up. Great, no nookie for the FWG tonight (did I really just say nookie?) The pharmacist was finding no humor in this situation, and tried to say goodbye, next customer please. Only we had to repeat the process with her friend, Jenn.

I would compare this to any late night trip to the McDonalds Drive through, with your drunk buddies in the back seat. Frustrated McDonalds employee is trying to discern the information you are relaying over an inaudible, at best, intercom. That’s right, CVS has now opened, “the birth control drive through”….hold the fries.

FWG: Today's Feel Good Moment or This Week's Sign of the Apocalypse

YOU BE THE JUDGE.

FWG: Today's Feel Good Moment or This Weeks Sign of the Apocalypse

YOU BE THE JUDGE.

Why I Hate Special Teams

Please hold your "THIS IS WHY UCONN SUCKED ON PUNT THIS YEAR" comments.

Its a slow week in sports (and in my personal life). I've been sick and trying to train, and the most exciting part of my day was coming home to find my mail box shattered. I could almost respect it if it was a couple of kids playing mail box baseball. Sure, in my teens I rode shot gun with my Aluminum Easton proudly nestled between my legs so I can sympathize with the "Townies' getting bored on a Wednesday night and taking a little BP on my mail receptacle. But no, I'm even denied that pleasure. The plow took it out. So I figured, with nothing else to write about, I’d entertain you with something that’s been bothering me for longer than I care to remember.
Here’s something I probably wanted to write for about five years, but just couldn’t for several reasons. Special Teams are anything but special. No other venue in college sports or football for that matter makes you feel so very disposable. Unless you’re a kicker, and then you hardly matter anyway (to your teammates at least). Special teams sucks because it’s either at the beginning of practice and you are hardly stretched out or in the middle when it’s the last thing you want to do because you know 20 minutes later you will be called upon to perform you’re real duties.
I was a long snapper, the most thankless position on a football field. I did it from the time I started playing (about age 8) until the time I graduated from college (this year). And let me tell you something, I’ve hated every snap I’ve ever shot back there. If you do it right, no one cares. Do it wrong and you’re automatically the Scape Goat. One bad snap and you are automatically the target of you’re coaches verbal assault.
“Shit, I’m sorry coach. I’d like to see you hurl this oblong spheroid, between your legs, 15 yards in under 1.75 seconds. And be accurate within 12 inches.”
Kickoff Coverage, Punt Return, Kickoff Return, Punt. There is a reason that coaches give names like “Pride Squad” Or “Head Hunters”, its to cover up the fact that this shit sucks. You can slap that Mercedes hood ornament on your Daewoo, but guess what, its still a piece of shit. Then of course there is the company line “this is just as important as the other two phases.”
Oh yeah? Then why is my “other phase” meeting for 2 hours and this phase only meets for 20?
Because football coaches were once players too, and they definitely know how much special teams suck. It’s a great way to see the field no doubt, to show the coaches you can play. But forget any shred of bodily respect if you want to play special teams, you might as well be a tackling dummy or giant slab of meat.
And that is why I hate special teams.

Zach Frazer: A UConn Man Through and Through

Zach Frazer transferred to UConn from Notre dame in 2007. For anyone that doubted his commitment to UConn after leaving the beloved Green and Gold, Frazer's loyalties lie solely with UConn (and maybe a little with Subaru). Saturday night Frazer proved that his only ties to the bastion of Catholicism and College football are with his girlfriend who is still a student there.

Behold Frazer on ESPN's coverage of the UConn men playing Notre Dame:

Well done Zach.
Way to rep U-C-F-B

*Special FWG thanks to Emily Noonan for getting these pictures.

Crash and Burn. Wear Your Seatbelts

The rest of the story can be read HERE, at Chris Cooley's Blog.
But for the UConn Fans who wanted to be updated on my life post-UConn Football and the journey to playing Pro in Europe. Didn't think I'd meet this little bump in the road (pun intended).

Wear your seat belt.
Locked in the back of a Police Car. On accident. Oops.
The Girlfriend too.

FWG: THE NEW "U"

UCONN is the new “Running Back U.” There. I said it. And I’m sure every subsequent visit to Storrs (running backs coach)Terry Richardson will remind me. Terry Caulley, a great talent found his niche in the CFL. This year Donny Brown emerged as one of college football’s great running backs. Certainly the greatest UCONN has ever seen. With a promising NFL career ahead of him, it is hard not to love the guy. But what makes UCONN ground zero for great running backs is their depth at the position and the ability to cultivate talent.
Graduating Donny Brown leaves a gap in the offense. But freshman running back, (North Dartmouth native) Jordan Todman provided some interesting moments for UCONN ripping off yards from opposing defenses in unlikely situations. And please don’t forget Andre Dixon. An All-Big East Performer in 2007, the combination of Todman and Dixon will provide the leg power to drive the spread offense under new offensive coordinator Joe Moorhead.
Brown was a highly touted but under recruited running back out of New Jersey. Andre Dixon and Jordan Todman both flew under the radar of major programs right in their own back yards (Rutgers and BC respectively). And yet they both look to provide a 1-2 punch that will likely be UCONN’S defensive threat.
What about full back Anthony Sherman? He quietly became UCONN’s most outstanding receiving threat, providing an extra dimension out of the backfield, and a consistent blocker as well as ball carrier in short-yardage situations.
With PITT losing Shady McCoy, I would say the top running back threat to be watched is a lock between WVU and UCONN. Is my opinion biased? Absolutely. After all, I am a graduate of Running Back U.

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS:

The Arizona Cardinals will be playing the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII in Tampa, Florida. In an equally intriqing match up: We see if Rogain Foam wins the battle against Dying Hair Folicles this month on Rob Lunn's scalp.

The story line of the Super Bowl is really whether the most hated owner in the NFL, Bill Bidwill (Cardinals) can prevail over one of the most beloved men in the NFL, Steelers owner, Art Rooney. Win or lose Rooney, Bidwill, and Kurt Warner will all be catching the early bird special at Denny's on February 2nd.

According to Rick Reilly, Larry Fitzgerald is "the anti-TO" because he doesn't complain, or celebrate and "...dresses and speaks impeccably." No. What makes him the anti-T.O. is that he's the marquee receiver in the Super Bowl, not at home on his couch throwing darts at an 8x10 of Tony Romo.

Kurt Warner and Wife.
Spokespersons for the "One-size-fits-all-gender-neutral-haircut."

FWG: UConn Running The "Hurry-Up?"

The Rob Ambrose era is officially over at UConn. Joe Moorhead has been hired to replace Ambrose, who took the head coaching position at Towson University. After a season in which the offense was anemic at best, UConn is now looking to Moorhead to inject some life and creativity into the UConn scoring game.
More interesting than Moorhead's coaching pedigree (most recently serving in the same capacity at Akron University) is his plans for UConn's offense on the field. The word from sources close to the progam is that UConn will be running a No-Huddle -Hurry-up Offense. Think of it as the two minute drill, for an entire game. For those that are unfamiliar with the system, current examples of this in college football landscape include WVU and Oklahoma.
While there is no word on whether or not UConn will be running a spread offense as well, there are definitely some questions yet to be answered. Most importantly: Can they replace Donny Brown?
Hopefully Moorhead has a plan to implement a more balanced offensive scheme. The end of the 2008 season consisted of handing the ball off to Donny Brown 30-40 times a game, with absolutely no passing threat. With less talent at the running back position this year it is going to be interesting to see if the "No-Huddle" gimmick will work.
There are already grumblings from an offensive line that is bigger than they are quick, which would suggest the players themselves are more comfortable in a slow paced methodical offensive scheme. "No huddle short yardage and inside run? I hope [Moorhead] is joking." was one player's response to the rumor of running the no huddle.
Whatever the case, Moorhead has his work cut out for him. Turnovers and play calling hurt the Huskies down the stretch, and without the legs of Donny Brown to keep the offense rolling it could be a long season for UConn.

FWG: LUTRUS IS ON

AS PER OUR AGREEMENT, SCOTT LUTRUS IS ALLOWED TO TAKE OVER THE BLOG FOR ONE DAY. HERE IS HIS ENTRY.

As I sit here, currently 3:19am on January 21^st, I realized after 2 sleepless hours in my bed what better to do than write my “guest blog appearance” for the FWG. First off, let me get a few things straight before you all expect so much. I am NOT an English major. I do NOT blog for fun. I am NOT omniscient as Rob Lunn portrays himself to be. And…I do NOT possess the wit and humor that he so passionately presents to you every day. I AM Scott Lutrus.

I have been fortunate enough to be granted the opportunity from the FWG to post my own entry on his site. I did not request this in an effort to receive a job offer (but I will consider any proposal) or to bring attention upon myself. For once, I understand how Temple felt throughout the past year and all I want…is a little JUSTICE. Throughout the previous year, I have been asked time and time again if I really sing the UCONN fight song in the shower and where I buy my “Cucumber Soothing Regenerative Wrinkle Inhibiting Night Time Mask.” As I hate to be the bearer of bad news, if you haven’t realized by now, 90% of Rob’s entries are false and that is why I am here to spell the truth and what you may not know about Robert M. Lunn. I am going to hold off on that highly anticipated information while I’d like to get a few random thoughts off my chest.

1…Rob Lunn Receives Job After Writing Fluke Blog

Yes, it turns out that a man with too much time on his hands and a perky sense of humor can simply earn a job. If only it was that easy to land a career by being fat…white...and a guy. Kudos to you, Rob.

2…Rob Really Overachieved

I know that he has harped on this before and most of us have all thought it, but his girlfriend really is WAY out of his league. (Sorry fella, just being honest here) By writing about this, Rob received numerous pity emails that read, “Don’t put yourself down, you’re gorgeous too!” “You’re not a minor league, you’re a pro just like your girlfriend!” and “Will you marry me?” Well Rob, whatever it takes to make yourself feel better.

3…Rob Lunn is NOT Bald

Contrary to popular belief, I have to admit the man is not bald. Of course many jokes can be made about being fat and bald..and it has worked, but it is false. I could simply shave my head with a straight blade every week and begin calling myself hairless but then again, I’m not a liar.

During the past 2 bowl games, Rob has exposed quite a share of information about me, whether it is true or false. The knowledge that I am about to share with you is ALL true.

Believe it or not, in his younger years as a child before his “blogging career” took off, Rob was an actor. With his charming grin and picturesque blond hair, he was the national figure for the innovative Kodak Easy Share (usually found at your typical Walmart to develop pictures), commonly found in commercials. At the age of 12, Rob starred in his first movie, The Legend of Cryin’ Ryan, which he played a young boy named Billy. (For you doubters: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0526763/) With such a successful career at a young age, we all assumed he would continuously mature throughout college. My doubts turned into reality September 22^nd, 2007. Which is also the day that we defeated Pittsburgh 34-14 at Heinz field. What occurred the night before was…well let’s just say, childish. As I walked into Rob’s Marriot hotel room on my way to breakfast the morning of the game, I noticed his bed was stripped of all the linens. A few thoughts rambled through my mind, “Maybe he had a nightmare?” “Maybe Cody Brown played a joke on him” or…”Maybe…he…wait, no he couldn’t have.” You guessed it, my last presumption was correct. I looked at Rob and didn’t even have to ask when he looked at me like any 6 year old would after wetting the bed and said in a soft tone, “I had an accident.” I understand that people may get nervous the night before the game and might lose a few hours of sleep because they’re concentrating so hard on the battle upon them, but at this age, the only excuse for soaking your sheets is a night of excessive drinking…and that certainly wasn’t the case. It’s time to grow up, Rob.

Now that I have shared some of the FWG’s secrets, I would like to sincerely thank all of the fans who take the time to support my good friend Rob Lunn by reading this blog and everyone who has taken the time to support our team on and off the field. Hope to see you all in the 2009 season. Signing out..SWG (Slender White Guy).

Jim Levitt is a Fascist

Jim Levitt is a Fascist. Not your part time," I don't want to partake in Democracy-sometimes-Fascist."(these men are Nihilists Donny, they care about nothing). An actual football Fascist, a malevolent dictator, answer to no-one, do as you please, top to bottom media control. Combine Fascism with the maturity level of a a 5 year old and well, you can ask Europe what happened the last time those two attributes got together (you can thank us later France).
Why do I say this? Well his offensive coordinator, Greg Gregory, interviewed for another job, and he fired him without warning or consideration. He apparently has some axe to grind with one of his beat writers( Brett McMurphy of the Tampa Tribune), so what does he do? He cuts off his communication. "Don't write what I like, NO QUOTES FOR YOU!" (channel your best Seinfeld-Soup-Nazi on that one).
So there are the two issues.
1. He fired Coach Gregory simply because he interviewed for another job. And he approached Levitt about it before hand. Poor guy comes back to work only to find out he has no job, "Ver are your papers? Your papers are not in order! You cannot see ze Fuhrer!" It wasn't like he interviewed at another Big East school or any other so called "lateral" move. No, he interviewed at the University of Florida. This year's National Champions (sorry, Utah). It's a career-conscious move and now he is being punished for it because Levitt feels slighted. Shame on you Jimbo.
2. He his grinding out a personal issue, in the public spotlight with a member of the media. Now while it is a well-known fact amongst football writers that Jim Levitt only communicates through a complex series of grunts and sighs, and his disdain for the media is well documented, this is seriously over the top. Let the guy do his job Jim! You cannot just talk to one beat reporter and not the other. Apparently Levitt had a case of the sniffles that day in Kindergarten and chose not to join his classmates in learning how to share. Sharing is caring Jim, sharing is caring. But Levitt is the dictator, so I guess he can talk or not talk to whoever he pleases.
My point is this, with Levitt's job security already weakening, why is he waging a personal media war and firing good, decent coaches? Another 2 and 5 record in the Big East and we can expect a coup.

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS...

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS:

Some huge moments in American History yesterday.
I keep seeing that inauguration video. The motorcade with Obama and Bush riding in the same car together. I couldn't help but think what they were saying to each other:
"Toilet paper is in the closet third shelf down, extra staples in the top right drawer….whatever you do don't pick up the red phone"

I'm wondering who gave Aretha Franklin that creative license with "My Country Tis of Thee." She sounded like Ozzy Ozbourne. I couldn't understand a damn thing.

Thanks Jo.

Guten Morgen Football Fans!

It's a slow week in sports (and in my personal life). I've been sick and trying to train, and the most exciting part of my day was coming home to find my mail box shattered. I could almost respect it if it was a couple of kids playing mail box baseball. Sure, in my teens I rode shot gun with my Aluminum Easton proudly nestled between my legs so I can sympathize with the "Townies' getting bored on a Wednesday night and taking a little BP on my mail receptacle. But no, I'm even denied that pleasure. The plow took it out.
That's something people don't understand. The "off-season" in college football is the most monotonous of the year. There is no one on campus (read: zero female scenery), the routine is exactly the same, day after day. There is literally nothing going on. However, I was emailed my contract, schedule, and information packet from my team in Austria. It was written entirely in German. So that should make for some light reading.
On top of that my girlfriend bought me a book of German phrases (to help me survive while in country). I have the maturity level of a pubescent 12 year old, so I immediately turned to the "SOCIAL" section, followed by sub-section, "Sex-interaction" Tremendous. Then I found this little tid-bit, and my day got a little brighter.

Traurig. Ich kann es auf nicht erhalten.

Followed by:

Dies geschieht nie zu mir.

These two phrases of course mean: "Sorry. I can't get it up" and "This never happens to me"
There they are. Right on the page.
I don't want to come off as vulgar or un-cooth. But, that's freaking hilarious. Not only will some dude be completely embarrassed, but also fumbling for his German phrase book trying explain to some Fraulein why he can't perform. I laughed for a good 15 minutes.

FWG: Its Mailbag Time!

Opening up the Question and Answer again.

Send your questions/comments/concerns to TheFatWhiteGuy@gmail.com

(Any topic welcome)

The Piss Man Cometh

THE PISS MAN COMETH
By FWG and Chris Cooley

One thing I won't miss? The piss test.

Cooley Interjection:

It is very apparent to me that we cannot get enough talk about the penis staring piss test....Never enough talk about penis' for that matter, as I well know. But sorry for the interruption Rob, continue with your story.

Over the 5 years of my collegiate career I had my urine tested for performance enhancing and street drugs close to 15 times. That’s three times a year. There is the mandatory pee test at the beginning of training camp, and then some randomly selected moments of awkwardness as the season progresses.

Cooley Interjection:

15 times? I laugh at that. I easily knock out 15 a year.

Make a bowl game? The NCAA will reward you with “Championship Testing.” Although I am going to play pro in Europe, I can comfortably say my drug testing days are over. (Europe: The land of Arnold and Amsterdam…drug testing not a big priority there). I’m not saying I’m glad there will be no more piss testing because I can’t wait to spark a J and stick a needle in my ass. Quiet the contrary. I am just glad that I won’t have a perfect and complete stranger staring at my wedding tackle three times a year.

I completely understand drug testing to keep the integrity of sports. Completely. By all means, test me. But do you really have to look at my junk? It’s not a fake penis, I promise you.

Let me explain: No one knows the test is coming except for our medical staff. We practice about two hours and coach call it practice up (like he does everyday). He makes his announcements, gives his spiel, and then says, “The following guys go with Bob” (Bob Howard being our head trainer). Name called = go pee. You make no stops, proceed directly to the testing room. In your pads. I’m not wearing a Pizzicato (how could I pull that off all practice?), so the entire looking at my twig and berries is totally unnecessary.

Cooley interjection:

I dislike the dick watcher as much as anyone, but I feel like I can play devils advocate for the story. Consider a guy going to unimaginable lengths and wearing the whizinater out to the field every day. He just suctions it on and goes to work....every single day... no big deal once you get used to it. I mean, some guys might choose to go to major lengths to stay off the illegal drug list - it is a pretty big violation at any level. If this could possibly be happening we need to reevaluate our piss man's ability to determine a real or fake. Really, if your job is looking at wieners all day, then you will definitely see a variety of them, big ones, small ones, black and white ones, you even get the luxury of the uncircumcised ones. Lets just say he sees an average of 10 different dongs a day. You're telling me he can definitely, for sure, no questions asked tell if there is a fake. I don't believe it! The porn industry can create a pretty realistic looking member, so why couldn't a very real one be made to be filled with piss? With this information coming to light I think sports may have to come to the conclusion that the only solution will be to expand the job duties of the piss watcher and allow him to go ahead and hold it for you. Now that makes a good blog! Yep, it would be awfully weird, but with technology advancing in the drug and penis industries, it may be our next and only option. So Rob, while your penis will be free of foreign eyes, mine may be on the brink of strange hands.

Anyways, back to reality. When you get in that sterile room and you have to fill a cup. I’ve played in front of tens of thousands of fans, on live national television. I loved it. But one guy in a bathroom telling me to pee, I freeze like a cheap computer. Call it stage fright, or performance anxiety, or whatever. That’s one thing you didn’t see on your recruiting trip, “To your left is our weight room. Largest in all of New England. To your right, the room where a guy making just above minimum wage will stare at your dong and handle your urine. Next up, the dining halls….” You come out of that room like a rape victim.

"What happened Rob?"

"Nothing! No one!..." Followed by a long, hot shower.

Cooley interjection:

I once spent over two hours in the bathroom with a large black man while I tried to overcome a case of the stage fright. It was the off season and I had just finished up a workout, showered, pissed in the shower and got ready to head home. On my way out of the locker room the guy grabs me and says "Glad I caught you, I would have had to drive out to your house tonight." Well, he may as well have. I tried to piss ten different times. It was dribbles going into that cup. Two hours of pants around the ankles piss examination and I finally finished the job. Way fun!

Seriously though, it has been fodder for some of the best locker room material and practical jokes of all time. There was the time our tester (we’ll call him Rick) had a stain on his white uniform. A light brown, almost amber stain. We’ll call that an occupational hazard. He said it was coffee. I say it was that Gatorade I had at lunch. Even worse is some of the commentary this guy would make:(hands you sterile cup) "Welp...uh...filler up!...unleaded I hope." or "Think positive, piss negative!"

How does this guy pick up women at a bar? (“So what do you do for a living? Oh, I work with piss all day. Dark piss, light piss, all kinds of piss. I’m the piss man!” Or how does he talk about his day over dinner with his wife? I don’t want to imagine those conversations.

Cooley interjection:

The guy from the Patriots tells his wife about Tom Brady's hog. At least he's got interesting table talk.

Some would suggest female testers. While you might expect some misogynistic response to such an idea, I won’t take the bait. You thought I couldn’t pee in front of a guy and now you want me to pee in front of someone that I might find sexually attractive. You might as well put my 105 year old great grandmother there.

Cooley interjection:

Yes! Female testers!

So while I will miss a lot about being a college football player; the fans, the parties, the winning, the friends. I won’t miss having another grown man admire my manhood as I force evacuate urine through ever reluctant bladder.

Cooley interjection:

Good talk buddy. Lots of excitement thinking of amusing anatomy descriptions, female testers fitting the new job description of holder, and Tom Brady's hog on my dinner table. Wawow!

The FWG Awkward Moment of the Day

Well, here it is. The FWG Awkward Moment of the Day (although this is a contender for the All-Time best).

Superfluous adjectives are not needed. Watch. Laugh. Enjoy.

Seacrest. Out.

Rick Reilly: Writing America Cares About

FWG's Pick of the Week:

In a stroke of mad genius ESPN writer, and all around funny guy, Rick Reilly has decided to write about something that studies show 100% of college students care about. A sporting event so monumental, the college population has forgot about March Madness looming on the horizon. That's right.
Beer Pong.
The World Series of Beer Pong Tournament to be specific. Who knew this was a real sport?

Read the full article here:

The Big East Mailbag (ESPN.COM)

I'll skip the crap about WVU and Pitt. Who cares? This is from the blogger of the Big East, Brian Bennet and his mail bag.

Chris from Wallingford, Conn., writes: Biggest hole for UConn to fill next year? Lorenzen, Donald Brown, Will Beatty, the two defensive ends, Darius Butler, Rob Lunn's blog? The knee-jerk answer is Donald Brown, but personally, I think it's the DE's. Cody Brown was a monster and Julius Williams had a great year as well. Lindsay Witten will really have to step it up next year. UConn's defensive scheme is to get a four-man pass rush (they rarely blitz). So, whoever fills those shoes next year HAS to get pressure on the QB. Thoughts?

Let me say this. There will be more good running backs to come out of UConn, but there will never be a Donny Brown. Todman will be a sparky third down back and provides that break-the-big-play threat. Dixon is still as talented as he ever was, that threat from the backfield is still very real. Cody and Julius, for my money. you don't get any better pressure off the edge.
Who will replace them? Well, if it's any indication of things to come UConn is still not back in session, students (and football players) not due back 'til January 20th, but Lindsey Witten has been on campus lifting and training since January 4th (that's the day after the bowl game). Expect big things from him next year. As far as Rob Lunn's Blog well, I think ,that might be the biggest crushing blow to this program (kidding...sort of). I'll be keeping the blog up with inside information on Connecticut Football and other sports stories. Look for some of my blogs at http://www.chriscooley47.blogspot.com/ and NESN.COM.

Oh and at WWW.THEFATWHITEGUY.COM (coming soon)


The rest of the Big East Mail Bag can be found here.

FWG on ChrisCooley.com

Check out the FWG Post on www.ChrisCooley47.blogspot.com

The NESN Collection

The NESN Collection

FWG: BREAKING NEWS!

Recent Husky Transfer C.J. Marck has accepted a scholarship offer at Miami of Ohio. The linebacker from Pennsbury, PA (Pennsbury High School) left UConn before the International Bowl, citing that he wanted to find a better fit.
In a previous blog entry, I mentioned that C.J. is one of the finest individuals I have ever come to know on a football field. It is more true today that it has ever been. I asked C.J. about why he chose Miami U. Here is some of what he had to say:
(I've added my own commentary)

I needed a change and a fresh start and Miami offered first and has a new coaching staff and the college is known as the Harvard of the Midwest.
(Chik-fil-A is the "fine dining" of the Midwest too. Don't church it up Son.)

Did I mention the 3-1 girl to guy?
(You can lead them to water, but you can't make them drink, Ceej.)

I love you guys and that was the one thing holding me back because I knew I wanted to transfer in the middle of the season but just couldn't see myself leaving the team.
(Did I mention how much I love this guy?)

Everything about UConn football and the team was amazing and I know I have friends for life from that experience.

Any final thoughts for all the Fat White Guy fans, C.J.?

Name a kid after me or something.

What's your real name then?

Charles James.

The Rest of The NESN Live BCS Blog

You can find the ENTIRE BCS National Championship Game FWG Live Blog
HERE

Live National Championship Blog!

8:55
Where is Utah?
8:59
Inside pitch to Aaron Hernandez. Brother of DJ Hernandez, my teammate.
Another pass play to Hernandez on the crossing rout. I am swelling with Connecticut pride.
Side note: Aaron Hernandez has "Thug Life" tattooed on his stomach, saw that last summer.

9:01
Bob Kraft in at the game. I'm a Bills fan so that is funny too me. Bob Kraft looks like he has no idea what to do with "free time" in the month of January.
Tim Tebow prays for Tom Brady.

9:05
Tebow gets crushed has he releases the ball. Wow. Superman? You sure?
3rd and 9 for the Gators. Tebow throws across the middle.
TOUCHDOWN.
YES. SUPERMAN. YES.
Sooners are looking for a play review.
Refs decide tempo and pace of game ARE important.
Snap. Kick. Good.
9:07
Where is Utah

...the rest can be found at www.NESN.COM

The National Championship Game

Now, I know that the International Bowl has already been decided, so really there is no other game of importance on, but in case you have nothing to do Thursday night there also happens to be the National Championship Game on. Two relative unknowns are battling for the BCS crown. Florida and Oklahoma (I know, I never heard of them either).
The story line for this game is less than compelling: Last year's Heisman winner (and current candidate for Sainthood) Tim Tebow versus current trophy winner, Sam Bradford.
I know, I know. I feel the same way: When Pitt lost 3 -0 to Oregon State, I knew the bowl season and reached its pinnacle. This shoot out was a start to finish adrenaline rush, starting with Oregon being penalized a time out for (get this) wearing the wrong uniforms. Apparently the referees felt that Orange was SOOOO last season.
But, I digress.
The national championship. Believe it or not this has actually already been played. Did I hop in my Delorean and fire up the Flux Capacitor? No (but I do have a sweet pair of acid-wash jeans if you're interested). So what do I mean by all this? Utah should have been crowned the BCS title winner. They went 13-0, not beating slap dicks like Hofstra and Temple (Sorry, UConn) but playing top (ranked) talent like Alabama and those crazy Mormons at BYU. They didn't back their way into playing in college football's ultimate showcase. They went 13-0. End of story. Check please. Be sure to tip your waitress.
The only thing Utah did wrong this year was not being a member of a BCS conference. Here's a news flash: being bestowed the "honor" of a BCS conference doesn't mean anything anymore. These so called "mid majors" are anything but. The influx of money and the limitations on scholarships has meant one thing for major college football: Parity. I don't care if you are BYU, USC, Alabama, or Buffalo. All these teams are competitive. Point in case: The 12th ranked and undefeated Ball State Cardinals fell to the University of Buffalo (bowl eligible for the first time in 50 years) in the MAC Championship game. Buffalo then lost to UConn in bowl play. Did UConn win because it's a member of the Big East? No. But getting ranked would have been easier because they are. Listen to me. I played. Beating Temple was just as hard as trying to take down West Virginia. In 2007 we beat South Florida (ranked as high as #2 that year), and that game was easier than dismantling Rutgers, who had NFL-bound Ray Rice at the helm. My point is this: Rankings and the BCS system are completely arbitrary. The best team is not in the National Championship game. The big money being thrown around means that a more marketable team like Florida finds its way playing this Thursday while Utah finds itself shit out of luck. It's no longer about the best team, its about the perceived best game. What viewers want. Apparently, that is two sub-par teams competing on college football grandest stage. The National Championship is supposed to be an all encompassing game, widdled down from all 119 teams to two who will slug it out on live TV. Instead, the BCS system makes has decided that only 66 schools are worthy of their blessing.
The system is dead. And flawed.
How do I solve it? a 16 team play off. The rest of the field can go play in bowl games. I like that reward system. All other bowl eligible teams should do so. Playing in a bowl is a privilege and an incredible experience, lets reward teams that are able to win 7+ games (no more of this 6 and 6 and Notre Dame playing Hawaii crap). Now how do we get those 16 teams? The obvious answer is the Top 16 ranked in the Coaches Poll. But honestly, 119 names in a bag an picking 16 would be better than what we have now. My suggestion? The best regular season records, after that best records determined by strength of schedule. A tie? Have a playoff. This is America people, let the best man win.
The current BCS system is about as smart as a bag of hammers. I don't advocate for a total play off system, but I do advocate for a system that gives us a true national champion. So show me one where Utah would have been playing on Thursday night. Until then, I simply don't care.

FWG Ice Skates...Hilarity Ensues

Who are you kidding, your favorite part of this blog is the "Final Thoughts." So here. Enjoy.
More Final Thoughts...

I spent the night in the Adirondack region (Glens Falls) meeting (more) of the girlfriend's family. I squeezed into ice skates two sizes too small and again confirmed my lack of athletic ability. It's like that skating bear you see at the low rent circus. In theory it's great, in practice...well...no bear can skate, and neither can this fat white guy.

Even worse: I've played hockey my entire life. Apparently poorly. But let me reinforce why I love my girlfriend so much. She always manages to make me feel better about this sort of thing. "Here, hold your hockey stick. You'll look like an athlete when people look back at this picture."Great point. Which brings up another great point:

Why I'll Lie to My Kids (also doubles as a great book title)
-your father won the Heisman (the wonders of Photoshop)
-your father won 8 gold medals (why does he bear such a strong resemblance to Michael Phelps?...shut up and eat your peas)
-your father was a running back who scored a lot of touchdowns...and apparently used to be black (Donny Brown gives FWG his old jersey for this one)

I ate (again? c'mon) at the restaurant where Rachel Ray once worked. Only I could be star-struck by a Food-Network star (keyword here: food).

Dennis Leary is hilarious. I have one word for your his book, "Why We Suck"
Changed my life. It will change yours too. (No, it won't make you fatter.)

Looking at that picture again: I look like some sort of hockey-stick-wielding terrorist:

My Last Game: Bowl Victory

My last game. I'm not sure where to start. I had the same problem this time last year, writing a blog wrap up. I surmised that writing after the bowl in Charlotte was tough because we had lost, and ending such a great season on a loss left a bitter taste in my mouth. This time it's a little different.
It's the same feeling that every kid gets on the last day of school, with the entire summer sprawled out before him. Excitement about all the summer fun, but you know you won't be keeping up with all your friends in homeroom, there won't be teachers hounding you or homework to do. In a strange way all that impending freedom is scary.
Well, my last day of school was a bowl game in Canada. My school years was 5 years as a UConn football player, my teachers were some of the best coaches the country has to offer, and their homework assignments were simple: watch film, practice hard, execute and win.
My summer however, this time, is a lot more scary. I don't know how to do my taxes (this was the rallying cry for me and a few other seniors after some celebratory beers in downtown Toronto.) It's the first time I'm no longer a college football player. I am now a responsible (well semi-responsible) member of society. Degree in hand. But before I delve too far into all the this sentimentality, let me break down the game:

INTERNATIONAL BOWL: UCONN v. BUFFALO

Donny Brown. Wow.
Over 250 yards rushing. What a great guy. He is the most dominating running back in the nation. All we do is run. We telegraph the run. We smoke signal the run. Everyone knows "power" is coming...and still...no one can stop Downtown Donny Brown.
It really was a story of two teams, the first half we looked like some sort of slap-stick comedy act. Fumbling and bumbling the football (and cramming in to a Volkswagon bug...you know...for the kids). Turnovers, turnovers, turnovers.
The defense held fast. I'd like to say it was our athletic prowess and roster full of future-NFL talent (some of it was), but it was also the air-tight game plan put together by our defensive coaching staff. Led by Hank Hughes and Todd Orlando. Having Todd Orlando as your defensive coordinator is almost not fair. Not to mention he had 4 weeks to comb over every play Buffalo had ever run. I think he even filed a freedom of information petition (the hippies finally got something right!) with Turner Gill's parents. Those home movies were invaluable. Seriously, he's like Rainman (just replace that juice box with a can of Kodiak).

There was also some extra motivation going into the game. Every interview and story was about about Buffalo. The 50 year anniversary of what that 1958 team did. While I commend the team of 1958, it was as if the media and everyone else forgot we were going to be on the field on Saturday.

That and we heard a Buffalo player give an interview and tell some Canadian TV station, "Predict the score? Sure. 37-7. Buffalo wins..." (apparently his career as the future Nostradamus has been cut short).

The second half was pure domination, quintessential UConn football (and of course, UConn defense). Capped, of course, by the longest interception return for a touchdown in UConn history: 100 yards later the win was sealed, the Gatorade was flowing, and Coach Edsall needed a new pair of pants (he changed at half-time too, but you know...for different reasons).


So the celebrations were long and hardy. The FWG got go conduct the band (wish granted!), and for a few moments all was right with the world.
I did not I wanted to leave that locker room. Leave such a special group of guys. My "summer" was (is) just beginning.

So whats next for the FWG?....I'll explain that in...

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS:

I am off to play professional football. Nope not in the NFL. Not the CFL. Not your local arena league. I am hopping the pond, landing in Austria on March 1st.
This opportunity presented itself and I jumped at the chance. I think it will be a good way to say goodbye to the game (and see Europe at the same time).

Want to learn more about this, I suggest you read the book:
Seriously. Get it. Read it. It helped sell me on this whole thing.

So here's the deal with the whole "BLOG THING".
This blog took on a life on of its own. I am going to keep it, and comment on UConn Football from my perspective (as a former player).
I will also be writing exclusive content for NESN.COM and http://chriscooley47.blogspot.com/2008/12/new-blogger.html

So come here for updates on my life, happenings in UConn Football, and some insight on training and competing at the next level. It will be sure to get more interesting when I touch down in Austria.

Back for more soon...
FWG

Super Fans...the FWG Blushes

Focus on Buffalo is at an all time high.
Went to the lobby to see my parents, before heading to bed check.
In an awesome turn of events, I felt like a minor celebrity for the first time (I imagine it's how your local used car salesman might feel after being recognized in the supermarket).

Some pictures were taken (they'll be posted later) after they email me.
but some great comments were also made:

"Hey you're the Fat Guy!...you look better in person."
(Thanks.Yeah, that camera adds a few...hundred pounds).
"You can hardly tell you're bald."
(Yes sir. My baldness is hiding under all this thinning hair."

Some Final Thoughts:
I've never considered who the biggest fan of this blog might be. Its probably a tie between Tom and Barry ( you know who you are).
Well, bad news guys, you might be out done by two girls I met tonight...
Erin and Abbie (thats..IE!)
Even better, Erin is from Upstate New York.

Bed time.
One more against Buffalo tomorrow.
-FWG-

The Obligatory Scott Lutrus Post

The Obligatory Scott Lutrus Post

I knew something wasn’t quite right this bowl trip. I thought it was the “Canadian Fries” (side of gravy please), then I thought it was the currency (FWG missed the memo that those little coins are two dollars a piece…$20 in the wishing well). But then it occurred to me, I’ve been far too kind to my bowl-game roommate and resident All-American (not to mention the Pride of Connecticut) Scott Lutrus.

For those who read (and sometimes enjoyed) last year’s bowl blog, you know that Scott was a frequent target. Either it was his shower-prep-time-routine (jusssst shy of 2 hours), to his vocal rendition of the UConn fight song. Having him as a roommate was comedic gold.

Maybe I’ve matured (I haven’t). Maybe I’ve turned my focus to more important things, more worldly events like global warming and pollution (I definitely haven’t). Maybe I’m too busy posing for pictures with the Rev. Jesse Jackson. (see below)

Whatever the case, the bottom line is that I have been far too kind to Scott thus far.

That’s about to change.

I’m noticing a trend with my dear friend. Every time a beautiful babe comes within 10 yards, his clothes start to get itchy. Very itchy. So much in fact that he has to rip off those cotton threads as quickly as humanly possible. My girlfriend came to visit. Scott takes off his shirt. My Mom comes to the room: Clothes off. My 105 year old great grandmother…there’s Scottie…sans shirt.

I noticed the development of this affliction during our spring break in Mexico. The slightest breeze and Mexican sun would cause Scottie to make like Rico Suave and shed the clothes he apparently loathed like a straight jacket.

Over time, gone untreated, this had lead to chronic-shirtlessness (ask your physician). Even the cold weather climate of Toronto has done nothing to curb this cousin to nudism. Our first night in Toronto found Scott Lutrus, in 15 degree weather (thats Fahrenheit), with the snow covering his torso.

I’ve talked to Scott about this, but you know what…it takes a village. So I now implore all fans of UConn Football to provide Scott with words of encouragement in regaining his shirt-hood. Its all about baby steps, perhaps a tank top there or scarf here to start. So next time you see him, make sure you tell him “Scott…I’m here for you. Please put on a shirt.”

At the end of this blog, I’ll be turning it over to a one-time guest blogger. That’s right, Scott Lutrus will get his shot at revenge. Tune in for that.

Time to beat Buffalo.

-FWG-

The Rev. Jesse Jackson....

Jesse Jackson came to speak today. I loved his speech, message, and vocal-cadence.
YouTube video of his speech posted by tonight...but more importantly the picture I took with him.
He didn't know what to think when I shoved my way between him and Canadian dignitaries.
"Who are you..."
"Well, I write this blog..."
"Blog?? But...oh"
"Smile!....thanks"
ROCK ON REV.
(His Body Guard Looks Concerned)

We Visit The CN Tower...FWG Freaks Out

I'm going to let the pictures speak for themselves:
But this is a picture of the Rogers Centre (BELOW). We are looking down on it from the CN Tower. That's where the Toronto Blue Jays play. The dome is enormous, but looks incredibly small from a height that made me cry.

As if the height of this thing wasn't bad enough. In 1992, some engineer with a twisted sense of humor decided to install a glass floor. Below is a picture of this terrifying little feature (notice I could only put one foot on it...)


On a clear day, you can see Rochester, NY from the CN Tower. Throwing up the "U"...UPSTATE.

7 Pounds of Sushi

If I get one more hamburger with mayonnaise on it, I am going to write a very strongly worded letter to their President (excuse me, Prime Minister). Not much by way of exciting events, everyone is keeping their focus on the game as a priority. However, I did discover that the player hospitality suite has Guitar Hero, which puts an end to my “social experiences” here in Toronto.

However, the day took a turn for awesome when we arrived at the Roger Centre (formerly the Sky Dome). First, I am a huge fan of all dome-shaped objects (ice cream scoops, meatballs, Dippin Dots), second, I love Major League Baseball. Specifically, the Boston Red Sox. It just so happens that we are staying in the MLB visitor's locker room, so my first question was, “Where does Big Papi change?” (Some might be asking why my first question was where a 290 lb Dominican gets naked. These people aren’t part of The Nation). The operation's manager for the Rogers Centre pointed me to his locker and I thoroughly enjoyed soaking in the “Papi-ness.”

Fast forward to New Year's Eve.

Club promoters vastly underestimated the eating power of offensive and defensive linemen. Three hours into the night, about 7 pounds of sushi had disappeared.

I woke up this morning and my breath smelled like Fisherman’s Wharf. That should impress the ladies. We’re heading for the CN Tower tour in about an hour, should be a great view (by the way, I’m completely terrified of anything higher than an ant hill).

Happy New Year

A big Fat White Guy Happy New Year to everyone out there.
Toronto is definitely the city to be in for New Year's. It's a lot like New York City, only people are friendly...and Canadian.
Anyway, we are heading into downtown @ 1:00 for a tour of the CN Tower. Which apparently is NOT the tallest building in the world, but IS the tallest tower?
I'm not sure how that works.
I'll have pictures and some other stuff up after.
Check back.
-FWG