Your Ad Here

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

WOB: Public Urination

This will be the last post relating to the Boss experiences last weekend. I didn't want to spoil the awesomeness of the experience with the mental picture of me taking a leak. Although personally, it makes the whole deal much more enjoyable. I try and live life so I have good stories to tell. Some of them may make me seem like an uncivilized rapscallion. Some of them may or may not make me unemployable in the future. That's the way it goes.

I like to think that's not the case and I'm a responsible, considerate person. So occasionally I'll do things after running my gums solely to have entertaining anecdotes. Hemmingway said, "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." I don't say I'll do something, I'll just do it. Although bodily functions necessitating the following actions probably had more of an effect than me being ridiculous.

Needing to pee rather badly during the concert in the middle of the show, knowing that the bathrooms were on the opposite end of the stadium {Apparently restroom convenience was not in the forefront of stadium planning in the early 1900s.} and having an empty 1.5 liter bottle at my disposal I conceived of the Michael Scott 'Win, Win, Win' scenario. I discretely walked to a corner, thinking that the show would distract most of the security staff, and calmly proceeded to nearly top off the bottle. I capped it and dropped it into a garbage can. No one sees my pecker, no one has to deal with the smell of stale urine, and I don't miss any of the music. Win, win, win.

After joining back up with the group, I felt a tap on my shoulder. Security guard. "Come with me." Damnit. I would have let my bladder burst before getting kicked out. Luckily, Swedes hate confrontation and love Bruce. Also, I think he was a little impressed that I almost filled the bottle up. He informed me that it's a roughly $150 fine for public urination, gave me a warning, told me not to do it again {Is that possible to pee 3 liters in just over three hours?} and let me go back to the show. However, that is not the most people I have peed in front of.

During a game at Minnesota I forgot to use the restroom {Or shower drain - you have to take what you can get when you have minimal time and 100 guys are all trying to relieve themselves.} before the game and had the unbearably painful do-the-shuffle-type-dance-to-take-your-mind-off-it bladder pains. This was at the beginning of the second quarter. Being on special teams and a walk on, running into the tunnel was not an option. It may have taken too long and relegated me to DNP - Coach's Decision status. Plus, that's not the most discrete option, anyone seeing that knows what's happening. Some guys had said if they had to go during the game they just go. I didn't play enough to create enough sweat to mask the kidney water. So I did what any rational human would do: I enlisted the help of five O lineman to form a wall in front of me, emptied a water bottle and used that as a urine repository. And don't worry, I found a spot in a garbage can to ensure no one received an unwanted surprise.

Moral of the story? I guess there's not one. This isn't Aesop's fables. But me peeing in very public places proves I'm not gun shy as well as leading to me having stories to tell and you ostensibly being entertained. Win, win, win.

No comments: