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Saturday, March 21, 2009

Crust - Gate (The FWG Is a Liar????)

With any victory, there is doubters. Bonds breaks the home record? Steroids! Armstrong wins 7 Tour De France? Doping! FWG crushes a Villanova student in a pizza-eating contest? Did not finish the crusts!
I now give you:
CRUST-GATE

March 19, 2009 2:12 PM

Dear Fat White Guy & Fat White Guy Fans,

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ MAY SHOCK YOU!

Please continue reading at your own risk. You have been warned.

So I am sitting here on a nice Friday afternoon doing a little light reading, when I get a phone call telling me to look on Thoughts From a Fat White Guy blog.

Confused, I search for this popular blog and find a very interesting story involving a random Villanova Nate.

While I know this blog is very popular, I must say there are some inaccuracies in this most recent posting. While I am sure the author had no intention of being inaccurate, the truth about this story should indeed be known to the masses.

THE TRUTH: The Villanova kid actually won the pizza eating contest.

How is this you ask??? It's simple...and its the truth.

FAT WHITE GUY NEVER ATE THE CRUST!!!!!


THE REAL STORY:
Similar to Rocky Balboa- underweight and overmatched but with a heart of a lion, poor Nate from Villanova woofed down his 5 pieces of pizza in a heroic performance just like that of Joey Chestnut against Kobayashi at the 2008 annual Coney Island hot dog eating contest.

Even though he did not finish first, Villanova Nate was cheated.

You read correct – Villanova Nate was cheated.

As FWG lifted his arms in victory, Villanova Nate looked down at the table covered in tomato sauce, bits of cheese, and what was left of FWG and Villanova Nate’s dignities, and saw 5 pieces of uneaten crust from FWG’s pizza slices.

Half choking to death on his own crust, Villanova Nate began somewhat coherently shouting at the spectators that he had been cheated! For as any self respecting, gluttonous pizza eating contestant knows, the crust must be eaten as well.

Everyone, especially FWG knew that It was a Pizza Eating Contest…not a Pizza Eating (minus the crust) Contest.

These pleas fell upon deaf ears as Fat White Guy pounded his chest and boasted of his ability to consume large amounts of carbohydrates in short time spans. Slightly nauseated, Villanova Nate was forced to watch FWG steal his true victory moment.
Shattered, and fearing that Fat White Guy may easily become enraged and snap Villanova Nate in half...Villanova Nate succumbed to defeat and was wrongfully made to sing a UCONN fight song. To this day Villanova Nate still regrets not fighting for what was truly his pizza eating contest victory.

UPDATE:
Let the masses know that to this day Villanova Nate still proclaims victory over Fat White Guy when this story is brought up over a nice hot X-Large Pappa John's pie. And in fact, Villanova Nate never completed the entire UCONN fight song, which technically means that full admission of defeat was never acknowledged.

Since this event, Villanova Nate has been so tormented by this moment of cheating that it is heard that him and several of his close friends refer to this event merely as Crust-gate.

And while several people at this Pizza Eating Contest will confirm that FWG did indeed leave 5 crust pieces behind…this is never brought up for fear that FWG will end the lives of these physically smaller human beings from Villanova.

And so it remains to truly be determined who is the undisputed Pizza Eating Contest Champion.

But make it be known that Villanova Nate is not one to back down from a challenge.

Should FWG truly want to see who can eat 5 pieces of Dominos Pizza in the shortest amount of time, Villanova Nate is waiting for you…with a freshly printed copy of the Villanova Fight Song.

That’s right, you heard it here first—Villanova Nate is not scared

And so in conclusion, this story is merely based on true events…it is not an actual description of what truly transpired that fateful March afternoon.


V for Villanova V for Victory,
Villanova Nate
Class of 2006


2 comments:

Andy said...

I feel betrayed.

Bee2636 said...

For shame! Your mother and father certainly raised you better.
(in all fairness to FWG...there may never have been any rules prohibiting "crust-leaving")

Rob, next time, just mimic Fat Bastard and tell that pizza to "Get.In.My.Belly"