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Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The UFL Draft: Part II

So here is Part II of the UFL Draft. Yesterday, I did defense. Today Fatpickle has done Offense. The Interjections in italics are mine (FWG).


1) Travis Henry –
The great thing about Travis, we are guaranteed to have 18 people at the game if his 9 children and 9 different baby mommies show up. Possible contraceptive sponsorship here.
FWG:And if the UFL is successful, in later years his fan base will only expand exponentially. Consider this a sound investment, season ticket sales through the roof. Travis Henry: The gift the keeps on giving.
(There are an astounding amount of former Bills in this draft)

2)Plaxico Burress – I think he’s the perfect fit for the run and shoot offense. I must ask you FWG, why would one carry a loaded weapon in their pants inches from their junk? That’s a different kind of game of Russian roulette.
FWG: I'll tell you when; when one has nothing to lose. Its a metaphor?

3) Donte Stallworth
I like my wide receivers smart and elusive. If you can kill a man and only serve 30 days in jail, you fit that bill. Just try to contain him.
FWG: See, this is when I wished Stallworth played baseball. Hit-n-Run references....too soon?

4) Jamal Lewis –
So he financed a major drug deal for his buddies he grew up with… big deal? Why is it always the buddies you grew up with that get you in trouble? As far as I know the buddies I grew up with would like me to finance a sleeve of wiffleballs and a package of oatmeal cream pies. Consider it done…I just want my cut.
FWG: You know, we used to call that "being a good friend." Troubled times. Troubled times.

5 Nate Newton –
5 weeks after getting arrested for having 213 lbs of pot in his van, Newton was arrested again. This time he only had the van loaded down with 175lbs! It’s obvious that Nate Newton is no quitter and he’s not going to lie down on me. Well he may lay down if he’s sampling the product, but I like his never give up attitude.
A. Sampling the product never hurt anyone, right Ricky Williams?
B. I agree with this pick, Newton is obviously down with the whole "weight loss thing" 213lbs to 175lbs? Expect a leaner/meaner Newton in his UFL Debut.

6) Timmy Smith
– I met Timmy the season after his big super bowl game, I’m not sure if the Redskins knew he was a crack head, but I could tell he was, even as a 14 year old. He was shakier than my friend’s ex-wife on a business trip… she bounced more balls in Vegas than Donovan Mcnabb bounces on the Lincoln Financial turf.
FWG: Did you have a Mean Joe Green moment, where instead of tossing a used jersey on you, he chucked his crack-pipe at you can called you a white devil?

7) Maurice Clarett
We have to have some guns and ammo on the offensive side of the ball to offset Tank Johnson. Plus, we need to get our goose on! I also heard that Maurice is a pro at the dine-and-dash, which could come in helpful at away games.
FWG: I knew a guy who played with him at State. Clarett used to lift weights with Grey Goose in his water bottle. Getting his "Goose on." If you can workout drunk, you can play in the UFL. I'm gonna trademark that.

8)Ryan Leaf
– I like a drinker and my shoulder has been f*#king killing me…I think Ryan can get me something to make it feel better.
FWG: A ballsy move asking one of your players for pain killers. It is exactly that kind of heart and determination that servers him well on the field. And potential nickname: "The Oxycontin Cowboy" for thought.

9) Doug Ramey - I was going to pick Art Schlichter here, but then I thought...I know a better drunk QB with a gambling problem. Yep, that's none other than Fatpickle in 1987. A couple observations from this picture.

A. I have no socks on because my good friend Eli Berry enjoyed pissing on my socks in the locker room. This went on during football and basketball season, thankfully he didn't play baseball.
B. It was perfectly acceptable to play football in 1987 without socks on...I had the whole Miami Vice thing working.
C. I was making out with a lot more chicks than you were in 1987!
FWG: The Make-a-Wish foundation wants their wish back. Embarrassing.
...and yes, in 1987 I was one year old.

10) Cecil Collins -
This guy was the real deal. Big, strong and fast…if only breaking into a woman’s apartment and masturbating in the closet wasn’t illegal. It would have been a simple B&E if he hadn’t been caught with a loaded gun in his hand!
FWG: Masturbating in a closet? See, some people still do enjoy life's simple pleasures.

11) Michael Irvin -
He's never met a corner that he couldn't push off from...just don't let him in the training room. Michael + scissors = bad news!
FWG: A few years back I was dating a girl who was asked out on a date by Michael Irving. Turns out this "date" was a trip to the ESPYS. She said no. I broke up with her. The end.


NICOLE said...

Whyyyy does that video in the left sidebar start playing every time I want to read your blog these days. You're killin me bro

Will said...

During the summer before my Junior year of high school a few years ago, I went to an offense-defense football camp with the high school team where the head of the camp was none other than Nate Newton. He was an asshole, but it wasn't until I got home and googled him that I asked myself why in the hell he was put in charge of hundreds of kids.

The Fat White Guy said...


Will said...

And just as a add-on to that comment, the guy can barely walk any more so maybe look somewhere else for your UFL franchise.

The Fat White Guy said...

correction--that is EXACTLY why he is perfect for the UFL

Will said...