The UFL Draft: Part I

A few weeks ago, the pillars of secrecy held their annual meeting. No, not Skull and Bones or The Illuminati. Instead an organization shrouded in even deeper mystery: The United Football League. A few weeks ago the UFL held their draft; Like a crazy game of "Who's Line" no one knew the rules, who was drafted, and another similarity--I'm pretty sure next season the points won't matter. So in lieu of me talking about who was actually drafted, I'd like to present to you the 11 draft picks for my UFL Fantasy team:

The interjections in bold are the work of fellow blogger, Fat Pickle. He runs his own blog FATPICKLED which is pretty sweet. It's a Redskins/Orioles/useless pop culture blog.

UFL DRAFT: PART II - OFFENSE

Defense:
1) Ray Lewis
In the UFL we are all about character issues, so who better than the star linebacker who killed a man. I mean on the field terror is nothing if you can compliment it with off the field insanity. If Fatpickle can draft Michael Vick, than I can take Ray Lewis. Dogfighting has nothing on Murder One.

Ray didn't actually commit said murder, he's got people to do that. So, I will not be approaching Ray or his posse with any negative thoughts about your first round pick.

2) Lawrence Taylor
He's aged considerably well, you know...despite thew whole cocaine thing. The most dominant player of his era, now says he cares more about watching pornography that watching football. Spotty criminal history? Lack of interest in football? Likes porn? Game. Set. Match. LT is a perfect fit for the UFL.

"Spotty criminal history? Likes Porn" sounds like the scouting report on me. You may need to hire Ron Jeremy to help him break down tape.

3) Bruce Smith.
I know, I know. You're already thinking I'm insulting Bruce. Quite the contrary. Bruce Smith was my idol, every night I crawled into bed during my formative years, I had Bruce's height-poster pinned on my wall, you know the one you measure to see if you are as tall as the big guy. Yes, I fell asleep every night while a 6'6 black man watched over me. I slept soundly. My point is this, he's the all time greatest---he's going into the HOF---there really isn't much left for him to conquer.....except a marginal football league. Get 'em Bruce!

You seem to be going in a different direction than I am with my draft, 3 hall of famers in the first 3 rounds? I got 3 guys who are serving 5-10. Anyway, speaking of sleeping soundly...do you know where Bruce sleeps soundly? Traffic lights. Traffic lights in Virginia Beach at 2 in the morning. Usually with a cop watching over him. Oh one other thing, how bout them 91' Skins?

4) Spike
Spike? Who the hell is Spike? I'll tell you who--- only the most intimidating 12 year old I've ever known. The meathead star of a little flick known as, The Little Giants--which I think took the Best Picture Oscar in '95. Countless pee-wee-ers modled their game after him. The kid had a crew cut, bulging muscles, and an attitude to match. Looking back, when his dad said, "Every night I rub evaporated milk into his hamstrings." ---I think we all know what he was really doing. PED's. The Cream and the Clear. Balco, Conte. UFL. BOOM!

You know who I should draft from that movie? Polk High starting full back #33...Al Bundy. Now that's a true american bad-ass. He scored 4 TD's in the city title game!

5) Lavar Arrington
Yeah I know Fatpickle probably has a softspot for Arrington (Cheers and Hail, blah blah blah) but guess what? So do I. Despite Arringtons low production in the NFL all indicators point to him being a stand up guy. If being "retired" from football has taught me anything, its that the itch to play comes in waves. Well, I hope such a whim comes to Arrington when the phone rings and I tell him he's been pretend-drafted to my fantasy team.

Wrong, fatboy. No soft spot for Lavar. The only soft spots were in his game. Always a step away from making a big play. And if you want to ring his phone it's easy to do, just call 106.7 the fan. Yep, he's talking about football on the radio. Maybe he'd make a good play by play announcer for you. Now, Dexter Manley...

6) Dimitirus Underwood
A player who is past his prime, faded from the limelight, or enjoying a holiday in the penal system have all been prime picks in my draft. How about a player who has disappeared. Even the Associated Press is comfortable describing his career with mysterious wordplay "....after for years he resurfaced..." Where exactly was he? Who knows. But come this fall he may very well be in one of 7 unknown cities, co-oping players and profits, and holding games in sponsor clad stadiums and rundown warehouses. In other words, he'll be in the UFL. I hope.

This is what we call a "sleeper" pick. This guy had tremendous potential, you just have to make sure he's taking his meds! When scouting football players you sometimes here the term "north/south." Like this guy runs fast north and south. Well...this refers to Underwood as well, unfortunately for you north/south = bi-polar.

7) Rob Lunn
A slow (fat) white guy with minimal talent, who caught every lucky break on his way to a career that will best be remembered for an internet blog than any on the field prowess. Oh and leadership, he was a good leader.

This is what we call a "reach pick," because you're definately reaching here. I mean, were you worried somebody was going to draft you in round 8? I fully expected this tho...and I had plans to take you with my 11th pick. "Mr. Irrlevent" long snapper.

9 Jamal Reynolds
"The greatest defense end the world has ever seen, period" Well, not quite. The former first rounder did a short stint with Green Bay and then bounced around a bit before ultimately joining me in the unemployment line. So why draft him? 'Cause I like to think he still wants to make good on that statement. Call me an optimist. Or even paralyzingly sarcastic, but Jamal Reynolds deserves another shot---no major arrests or character issues unlike most of my draft picks, hes a lock at defensive end.

He's right, I've never seen him, nor heard of him. And if he hasn't been arrested or beat up a hooker or something...then I have no material for him. He's useless to me.

10 Bob Sapp-
If his illustrious MMA Career or namesake has taught us anything, it is that more black men in the middle is a good thing. Currently unaffiliated, I'm taking Sapp in draft. Bonus points for his role in The Longest Yard, references to which, up until now I've painstakingly avoided. Guilty.

If your gonna take someone from TLY, why not Romanowski? He had his own pharmacy, and broke the jaws of both opponents and teammates. I'm not sure Sapp has done that in the MMA.

11) Bryce Popp(Pop/Paup)

Who? Exactly. Try and Google him. Nothing. I'm really throwing this out there, someone (anyone) send me a link to information about Bryce (Brice?) Pop (Popp/Paup?). I remember the sports talk shows of Western New York (Yes, both of them) hailing him as a defensive savior for the Bills. Then...nothing. Even in the age of the internet He cannot be found. Not to sound arrogant, but that is the definition of obscure...even I'm on there. So, Yes. I choose you Bryce Popp, like my secret Pokemon.

Well, the first thing I did was google myself, cuz I like to do that. How can you be a Bills fan and not know Bryce Paup. He had 17.5 sacks in 95' to go along with 89 tackles...impressive. 4 straight Pro Bowls from 94-97. He works for the Packers and coaches high school football in Green Bay.

Coach: Bob Knight
A man that knows nothing about football for a league that probably doesn't know much either. Recipe for success. No one loves winning, or knows how to win like Knight. And the seeming lack of organization or accountability in the UFL should really test his patience; now that's something fans can rally behind.

3 yards and a cloud of dust...the cloud of dust being the old bastard that is your coach. He's gonna ride your ass like Juan Valdez. "Lunn, if you'd spend as much time on the field as you do in front of a g damn computer you might become a football player. And tell LT to to wipe up and get out here. F'in panzies."

Part II Drops Tomorrow