A few weeks ago, the pillars of secrecy held their annual meeting. No, not Skull and Bones or The Illuminati. Instead an organization shrouded in even deeper mystery: The United Football League. A few weeks ago the UFL held their draft; Like a crazy game of "Who's Line" no one knew the rules, who was drafted, and another similarity--I'm pretty sure next season the points won't matter. So in lieu of me talking about who was actually drafted, I'd like to present to you the 11 draft picks for my UFL Fantasy team:
1) Ray Lewis
In the UFL we are all about character issues, so who better than the star linebacker who killed a man. I mean on the field terror is nothing if you can compliment it with off the field insanity. If Fatpickle can draft Michael Vick, than I can take Ray Lewis. Dogfighting has nothing on Murder One.
2) Lawrence Taylor
He's aged considerably well, you know...despite thew whole cocaine thing. The most dominant player of his era, now says he cares more about watching pornography that watching football. Spotty criminal history? Lack of interest in football? Likes porn? Game. Set. Match. LT is a perfect fit for the UFL.
3) Bruce Smith.
I know, I know. You're already thinking I'm insulting Bruce. Quite the contrary. Bruce Smith was my idol, every night I crawled into bed during my formative years, I had Bruce's height-poster pinned on my wall, you know the one you measure to see if you are as tall as the big guy. Yes, I fell asleep every night while a 6'6 black man watched over me. I slept soundly. My point is this, he's the all time greatest---he's going into the HOF---there really isn't much left for him to conquer.....except a marginal football league. Get 'em Bruce!
Spike? Who the hell is Spike? I'll tell you who--- only the most intimidating 12 year old I've ever known. The meathead star of a little flick known as, The Little Giants--which I think took the Best Picture Oscar in '95. Countless pee-wee-ers modled their game after him. The kid had a crew cut, bulging muscles, and an attitude to match. Looking back, when his dad said, "Every night I rub evaporated milk into his hamstrings." ---I think we all know what he was really doing. PED's. The Cream and the Clear. Balco, Conte. UFL. BOOM!
5) Lavar Arrington
Yeah I know Fatpickle probably has a softspot for Arrington (Cheers and Hail, blah blah blah) but guess what? So do I. Despite Arringtons low production in the NFL all indicators point to him being a stand up guy. If being "retired" from football has taught me anything, its that the itch to play comes in waves. Well, I hope such a whim comes to Arrington when the phone rings and I tell him he's been pretend-drafted to my fantasy team.
A player who is past his prime, faded from the limelight, or enjoying a holiday in the penal system have all been prime picks in my draft. How about a player who has disappeared. Even the Associated Press is comfortable describing his career with mysterious wordplay "....after for years he resurfaced..." Where exactly was he? Who knows. But come this fall he may very well be in one of 7 unknown cities, co-oping players and profits, and holding games in sponsor clad stadiums and rundown warehouses. In other words, he'll be in the UFL. I hope.
A slow (fat) white guy with minimal talent, who caught every lucky break on his way to a career that will best be remembered for an internet blog than any on the field prowess. Oh and leadership, he was a good leader.
"The greatest defense end the world has ever seen, period" Well, not quite. The former first rounder did a short stint with Green Bay and then bounced around a bit before ultimately joining me in the unemployment line. So why draft him? 'Cause I like to think he still wants to make good on that statement. Call me an optimist. Or even paralyzingly sarcastic, but Jamal Reynolds deserves another shot---no major arrests or character issues unlike most of my draft picks, hes a lock at defensive end.
10 Bob Sapp-
If his illustrious MMA Career or namesake has taught us anything, it is that more black men in the middle is a good thing. Currently unaffiliated, I'm taking Sapp in draft. Bonus points for his role in The Longest Yard, references to which, up until now I've painstakingly avoided. Guilty.
11) Bryce Popp(Pop/Paup)
Coach: Bob Knight
A man that knows nothing about football for a league that probably doesn't know much either. Recipe for success. No one loves winning, or knows how to win like Knight. And the seeming lack of organization or accountability in the UFL should really test his patience; now that's something fans can rally behind.