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Two Of The Best Guys I Know

Coach Edsall announced that Alex Molina and Marcus Easley, former walk-ons are now on scholarship.

Both Easley and Molina are quietly the two of the best guys I have ever met, had the privilege of playing with, and even more distinct privilege of calling my friends.

But did you know....

Alex Molina is a water sports junkie. Yes, he's probably more at home on the river or ocean than the gridiron (see below) he also has the best hands on the team. With out exception or compromise anyone that really knows UConn Football knows that Molina is like fly paper out there.

Marcus Easley is a Connecticut native who I have been told has roots in Glastonbury (that's up for debate---but I heard him and Edsall used to be neighbors). Not to mention this past year he quietly became one of the top performers on the offense; and building off of a strong spring. Also, Easley bares a striking resemblance to that guy in HBO's The Wire. See for yourself:

Again, a big congratulations to these two deserving guys.

New Website

The new blog design is launching this week. Get excited!

Unfortunately that means that blog posts will be at a minimum---keep yourself busy.

This Week's Sign Of The Apocalypse

Introducing "Kitlers".....

www.CatsThatLookLikeHitler.comDoes your cat look like Adolf Hitler? Do you wake up in a cold sweat every night wondering if he's going to up and invade Poland?


And there's video...

Today, I Feel Stupid.

Yes it's true, and No, it doesn't happen often. But today, I feel stupid. I am now a resident of Massachusetts---and part of my indoctrination includes weekending in the Vineyard (excuse me, "Vin-yahd"). So there I am, somewhere around The Cape, really admiring my life. In between practicing dropping my "R's" and drinking Sam Adams, I almost drove off the road:


Now, I grew up in Upstate New York. Say what you will about that part of the country, but we never had a "Meat Raffle." Shit, I don't even know what that is. I assume they are auctioning off meat products, or cuts of meat. It is either that or they are coyly advertising some male-escort service at the local V.F.W. I am the LAST one to insult any V.F.W. Post (I am a Veteran, dude)---so someone tell me, this sort of thing common in Massachusetts? And if so, I want in.

Training Camp Revisited

Look for my check in on UConn's Media Day today on NESN.COM....until then, enjoy notes from last year's training camp:

July 31, 2008

Training camp is like a dentist appointment, you dread it all month long, you see its impending approach, and when it's finally there you are sweaty and nervous and your heart races. Only unlike a dentist appointment it wont last an hour, the professional to whom you've entrusted your care isn’t trying to make you as comfortable as possible, and there really is no way to dull the pain of two-a-days.

It’s a combination of Christmas day excitement and what I think the proverbial lamb must feel on its way to slaughter. Everyone has their little routines that get them mentally prepared for the torture that lies ahead. Walking into our training camp dormitories I looked down at the carpet and thought to myself, “What is it with these industrial carpet patterns?” I read somewhere once that they make those patterns a certain way, especially in Las Vegas, to hide dirt and grit while at the same time keeping people alert. To me it's almost nauseating. The pattern of dark and light crisscross and checkered borders will only remind me of one thing: being a terrified 18 year old embarking on his first real college experience. Not eating in a dining hall, or attending his first class--instead, moving into a dorm with 104 people he didn’t know and playing a game that for the first time in his life was foreign to him. But my routine has been the same for almost 5 years now.

Go to wholesale club. Buy bottled water, Gatorade, cashew nuts, and one tin of chewing tobacco. While the water and Gatorade are for hydration, the nuts are a calorie-dense food that I consume before bed in the hopes of maintaining my weight (which I never do). And the tobacco, my most grievous vice, is to keep me awake for the endless cycle of meetings that will I will endure in the weeks to come.

Training camp is a completely outdated practice. Going back to the very roots of football, back when there was an actual “off-season” and the purpose of a two-a-day was to get the out of shape lumberjacks and insurance and car salesmen back in shape. The problem is that in football today, from professional to pee wee, there really isn’t a true “off-season." The modern football landscape and the desire for elite athletes to perform at elite levels means that after the fall there is winter conditioning and weight lifting. After the winter there is spring football practice (and more weightlifting); after the spring there is summer conditioning and lifting, and summer leads right back into fall.

But the only purpose of training camp I see that is still relevant is to turn the unfocused into machines, let go of politics and social matters (only concerns for the outside world), and become a drone memorizing defenses and formations and blocking schemes and countless line stunts. In his 1982 football recollection, The End of Autumn, one-time Kansas City Chiefs center Michael Oriard wrote "thinking was an unwanted burden, it was easier to stumble from bed to practice field, from meal to meeting, without much reflection." Under Oriard’s (astute) observation, I should probably stop writing right now. The truth is I have very little in common with the training camps of the 1920s and 30s that were associated with the birth of modern football. I am not sequestered miles from the nearest modern amenity; I sit in a college dorm with a fan, internet access, a TV, DVD player, and a cell phone.

But the grind of football is the same. Two-a-day workouts in the summer heat are still two-a-day workouts in the summer heat. And a yelling football coach is still a yelling football coach. And being out of touch with society (and reality for that matter) is also a burden. We miss girlfriends and parents and showering alone. We miss our own beds and actually being treated like adults who can manage their own time. Instead, every minute of every day is mapped out in a way that would make the Marines jealous.

What I really can't understand is that no player enjoys training camp, yet most players eventually become coaches, or should I say most coaches were once players. Yet none of them have done away with this ridiculous practice. It's like the minute the whistle blows on the last play of your last game, your mind starts to work backwards, erasing all those days you were sweating and puking your guts out in the high sun of August, and you begin to romanticize about how "when I played, men were tougher and coaches more informed--the game was harder." No. Training camp sucks. But perhaps it is a necessary evil to ensure that the bonds and ties to the game from generation to generation are never broken. After all, misery loves company.

"Leave me no compromise on things half done. Keep me with a stern and stubborn pride, and when the last fight is won, God keep me still unsatisfied."

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

Our team nutritionist at UConn had me eating about 8,000 calories a day, trying to put on 1 a week. Michael Phelps ate 12,000 calories a day. BOOM! Olympic gold. Here, these fat guys are pioneers, showing how all of America can have a little piece of Olympic gold.

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

You know, some people might call what you just saw gross, disgusting, even shameful. Well guess what? Not me. No, I call this guy courageous. First of all where did he get that outfit? You gotta assume that's a custom job--- no way they make that leotard in his size. And then to put this on YouTube for the world to see? This is why I love America and the rest of the world hates us.

Breaking News: I'm Playing Another Season With UConn

Seriously...

Just wrote the blog here.

-FWG

UConn Training Camp: Facebook Confidential

With training camp officially underway in Storrs and the weather unseasonably hot, I thought I'd check in with the players to get their take on camp thus far. No--not through tedious interviews and unreturned voicemails. Instead I went to the king of all social media, Facebook, to find out what is really going on at camp. Here's what I discovered:

Captain Robert Reggie McClain:
"practice number 2 in like two hours....unreal heat brah..."

Senior RB Andre Dixon is his usual energetic self:

"In camp!!!!!!!!........ Today was the hottest day ever........ Do WhateVeR iT TAkEs to WIN!!!!!!!"

UPDATE:
link fixed! Enjoy
Read the rest HERE

The UFL Draft: Part II

So here is Part II of the UFL Draft. Yesterday, I did defense. Today Fatpickle has done Offense. The Interjections in italics are mine (FWG).

UFL DRAFT: PART II - OFFENSE

1) Travis Henry –
The great thing about Travis, we are guaranteed to have 18 people at the game if his 9 children and 9 different baby mommies show up. Possible contraceptive sponsorship here.
FWG:And if the UFL is successful, in later years his fan base will only expand exponentially. Consider this a sound investment, season ticket sales through the roof. Travis Henry: The gift the keeps on giving.
(There are an astounding amount of former Bills in this draft)

2)Plaxico Burress – I think he’s the perfect fit for the run and shoot offense. I must ask you FWG, why would one carry a loaded weapon in their pants inches from their junk? That’s a different kind of game of Russian roulette.
FWG: I'll tell you when; when one has nothing to lose. Its a metaphor?









3) Donte Stallworth –
I like my wide receivers smart and elusive. If you can kill a man and only serve 30 days in jail, you fit that bill. Just try to contain him.
FWG: See, this is when I wished Stallworth played baseball. Hit-n-Run references....too soon?



4) Jamal Lewis –
So he financed a major drug deal for his buddies he grew up with… big deal? Why is it always the buddies you grew up with that get you in trouble? As far as I know the buddies I grew up with would like me to finance a sleeve of wiffleballs and a package of oatmeal cream pies. Consider it done…I just want my cut.
FWG: You know, we used to call that "being a good friend." Troubled times. Troubled times.





5 Nate Newton –
5 weeks after getting arrested for having 213 lbs of pot in his van, Newton was arrested again. This time he only had the van loaded down with 175lbs! It’s obvious that Nate Newton is no quitter and he’s not going to lie down on me. Well he may lay down if he’s sampling the product, but I like his never give up attitude.
FWG:
A. Sampling the product never hurt anyone, right Ricky Williams?
B. I agree with this pick, Newton is obviously down with the whole "weight loss thing" 213lbs to 175lbs? Expect a leaner/meaner Newton in his UFL Debut.

6) Timmy Smith
– I met Timmy the season after his big super bowl game, I’m not sure if the Redskins knew he was a crack head, but I could tell he was, even as a 14 year old. He was shakier than my friend’s ex-wife on a business trip… she bounced more balls in Vegas than Donovan Mcnabb bounces on the Lincoln Financial turf.
FWG: Did you have a Mean Joe Green moment, where instead of tossing a used jersey on you, he chucked his crack-pipe at you can called you a white devil?

7) Maurice Clarett –
We have to have some guns and ammo on the offensive side of the ball to offset Tank Johnson. Plus, we need to get our goose on! I also heard that Maurice is a pro at the dine-and-dash, which could come in helpful at away games.
FWG: I knew a guy who played with him at State. Clarett used to lift weights with Grey Goose in his water bottle. Getting his "Goose on." If you can workout drunk, you can play in the UFL. I'm gonna trademark that.




8)Ryan Leaf
– I like a drinker and my shoulder has been f*#king killing me…I think Ryan can get me something to make it feel better.
FWG: A ballsy move asking one of your players for pain killers. It is exactly that kind of heart and determination that servers him well on the field. And potential nickname: "The Oxycontin Cowboy" ...food for thought.



9) Doug Ramey - I was going to pick Art Schlichter here, but then I thought...I know a better drunk QB with a gambling problem. Yep, that's none other than Fatpickle in 1987. A couple observations from this picture.

A. I have no socks on because my good friend Eli Berry enjoyed pissing on my socks in the locker room. This went on during football and basketball season, thankfully he didn't play baseball.

B. It was perfectly acceptable to play football in 1987 without socks on...I had the whole Miami Vice thing working.
C. I was making out with a lot more chicks than you were in 1987!
FWG: The Make-a-Wish foundation wants their wish back. Embarrassing.
...and yes, in 1987 I was one year old.

10) Cecil Collins -
This guy was the real deal. Big, strong and fast…if only breaking into a woman’s apartment and masturbating in the closet wasn’t illegal. It would have been a simple B&E if he hadn’t been caught with a loaded gun in his hand!
FWG: Masturbating in a closet? See, some people still do enjoy life's simple pleasures.

11) Michael Irvin -
He's never met a corner that he couldn't push off from...just don't let him in the training room. Michael + scissors = bad news!
FWG: A few years back I was dating a girl who was asked out on a date by Michael Irving. Turns out this "date" was a trip to the ESPYS. She said no. I broke up with her. The end.

The UFL Draft: Part I

A few weeks ago, the pillars of secrecy held their annual meeting. No, not Skull and Bones or The Illuminati. Instead an organization shrouded in even deeper mystery: The United Football League. A few weeks ago the UFL held their draft; Like a crazy game of "Who's Line" no one knew the rules, who was drafted, and another similarity--I'm pretty sure next season the points won't matter. So in lieu of me talking about who was actually drafted, I'd like to present to you the 11 draft picks for my UFL Fantasy team:

The interjections in bold are the work of fellow blogger, Fat Pickle. He runs his own blog FATPICKLED which is pretty sweet. It's a Redskins/Orioles/useless pop culture blog.

UFL DRAFT: PART II - OFFENSE

Defense:
1) Ray Lewis
In the UFL we are all about character issues, so who better than the star linebacker who killed a man. I mean on the field terror is nothing if you can compliment it with off the field insanity. If Fatpickle can draft Michael Vick, than I can take Ray Lewis. Dogfighting has nothing on Murder One.

Ray didn't actually commit said murder, he's got people to do that. So, I will not be approaching Ray or his posse with any negative thoughts about your first round pick.

2) Lawrence Taylor
He's aged considerably well, you know...despite thew whole cocaine thing. The most dominant player of his era, now says he cares more about watching pornography that watching football. Spotty criminal history? Lack of interest in football? Likes porn? Game. Set. Match. LT is a perfect fit for the UFL.

"Spotty criminal history? Likes Porn" sounds like the scouting report on me. You may need to hire Ron Jeremy to help him break down tape.

3) Bruce Smith.
I know, I know. You're already thinking I'm insulting Bruce. Quite the contrary. Bruce Smith was my idol, every night I crawled into bed during my formative years, I had Bruce's height-poster pinned on my wall, you know the one you measure to see if you are as tall as the big guy. Yes, I fell asleep every night while a 6'6 black man watched over me. I slept soundly. My point is this, he's the all time greatest---he's going into the HOF---there really isn't much left for him to conquer.....except a marginal football league. Get 'em Bruce!

You seem to be going in a different direction than I am with my draft, 3 hall of famers in the first 3 rounds? I got 3 guys who are serving 5-10. Anyway, speaking of sleeping soundly...do you know where Bruce sleeps soundly? Traffic lights. Traffic lights in Virginia Beach at 2 in the morning. Usually with a cop watching over him. Oh one other thing, how bout them 91' Skins?

4) Spike
Spike? Who the hell is Spike? I'll tell you who--- only the most intimidating 12 year old I've ever known. The meathead star of a little flick known as, The Little Giants--which I think took the Best Picture Oscar in '95. Countless pee-wee-ers modled their game after him. The kid had a crew cut, bulging muscles, and an attitude to match. Looking back, when his dad said, "Every night I rub evaporated milk into his hamstrings." ---I think we all know what he was really doing. PED's. The Cream and the Clear. Balco, Conte. UFL. BOOM!

You know who I should draft from that movie? Polk High starting full back #33...Al Bundy. Now that's a true american bad-ass. He scored 4 TD's in the city title game!

5) Lavar Arrington
Yeah I know Fatpickle probably has a softspot for Arrington (Cheers and Hail, blah blah blah) but guess what? So do I. Despite Arringtons low production in the NFL all indicators point to him being a stand up guy. If being "retired" from football has taught me anything, its that the itch to play comes in waves. Well, I hope such a whim comes to Arrington when the phone rings and I tell him he's been pretend-drafted to my fantasy team.

Wrong, fatboy. No soft spot for Lavar. The only soft spots were in his game. Always a step away from making a big play. And if you want to ring his phone it's easy to do, just call 106.7 the fan. Yep, he's talking about football on the radio. Maybe he'd make a good play by play announcer for you. Now, Dexter Manley...

6) Dimitirus Underwood
A player who is past his prime, faded from the limelight, or enjoying a holiday in the penal system have all been prime picks in my draft. How about a player who has disappeared. Even the Associated Press is comfortable describing his career with mysterious wordplay "....after for years he resurfaced..." Where exactly was he? Who knows. But come this fall he may very well be in one of 7 unknown cities, co-oping players and profits, and holding games in sponsor clad stadiums and rundown warehouses. In other words, he'll be in the UFL. I hope.

This is what we call a "sleeper" pick. This guy had tremendous potential, you just have to make sure he's taking his meds! When scouting football players you sometimes here the term "north/south." Like this guy runs fast north and south. Well...this refers to Underwood as well, unfortunately for you north/south = bi-polar.

7) Rob Lunn
A slow (fat) white guy with minimal talent, who caught every lucky break on his way to a career that will best be remembered for an internet blog than any on the field prowess. Oh and leadership, he was a good leader.

This is what we call a "reach pick," because you're definately reaching here. I mean, were you worried somebody was going to draft you in round 8? I fully expected this tho...and I had plans to take you with my 11th pick. "Mr. Irrlevent" long snapper.

9 Jamal Reynolds
"The greatest defense end the world has ever seen, period" Well, not quite. The former first rounder did a short stint with Green Bay and then bounced around a bit before ultimately joining me in the unemployment line. So why draft him? 'Cause I like to think he still wants to make good on that statement. Call me an optimist. Or even paralyzingly sarcastic, but Jamal Reynolds deserves another shot---no major arrests or character issues unlike most of my draft picks, hes a lock at defensive end.

He's right, I've never seen him, nor heard of him. And if he hasn't been arrested or beat up a hooker or something...then I have no material for him. He's useless to me.

10 Bob Sapp-
If his illustrious MMA Career or namesake has taught us anything, it is that more black men in the middle is a good thing. Currently unaffiliated, I'm taking Sapp in draft. Bonus points for his role in The Longest Yard, references to which, up until now I've painstakingly avoided. Guilty.

If your gonna take someone from TLY, why not Romanowski? He had his own pharmacy, and broke the jaws of both opponents and teammates. I'm not sure Sapp has done that in the MMA.

11) Bryce Popp(Pop/Paup)

Who? Exactly. Try and Google him. Nothing. I'm really throwing this out there, someone (anyone) send me a link to information about Bryce (Brice?) Pop (Popp/Paup?). I remember the sports talk shows of Western New York (Yes, both of them) hailing him as a defensive savior for the Bills. Then...nothing. Even in the age of the internet He cannot be found. Not to sound arrogant, but that is the definition of obscure...even I'm on there. So, Yes. I choose you Bryce Popp, like my secret Pokemon.

Well, the first thing I did was google myself, cuz I like to do that. How can you be a Bills fan and not know Bryce Paup. He had 17.5 sacks in 95' to go along with 89 tackles...impressive. 4 straight Pro Bowls from 94-97. He works for the Packers and coaches high school football in Green Bay.

Coach: Bob Knight
A man that knows nothing about football for a league that probably doesn't know much either. Recipe for success. No one loves winning, or knows how to win like Knight. And the seeming lack of organization or accountability in the UFL should really test his patience; now that's something fans can rally behind.

3 yards and a cloud of dust...the cloud of dust being the old bastard that is your coach. He's gonna ride your ass like Juan Valdez. "Lunn, if you'd spend as much time on the field as you do in front of a g damn computer you might become a football player. And tell LT to to wipe up and get out here. F'in panzies."

Part II Drops Tomorrow

Dear Michael....

Dear. Michael,
Let me clear something up for you. While you may have been a talented NFL Player in your prime, dip-diving-ducking-n-dodging your way into the hearts of millions, the reason you are no longer welcome in the NFL is NOT because you're black. Nope, not even close. It's because you senselessly brutalized helpless animals. Man's best friend, to be exact. And stuff like that doesn't go unnoticed; not by me and definitely not by NFL Owners. Now even Jesse Jackson is weighing in. I love Jesse as much as the next guy (see picture below) however, even his latest opinion is way off base:

“I want teams to explain why they have a quarterback who has less skills but is playing or at least is on the taxi squad, and a guy with more skills can’t get into training camp.”

Well Mr Jackson and Mr. Vick, these quarterbacks with "lesser skills" did not participate in a slew of inhumane acts, resulting in the brutal deaths of dogs by (but not limited to) slamming, drowning, and electrocuting them.

As a lover of dogs and pit bulls in particular, I simply can't support your bid for a home with ANY NFL Team, nor can I understand why anyone, including Jesse Jackson is surprised.
Sincerely,
Rob

Cuuuuuuuuuse!

New Post on Syracuse Football.
Yah, I know. I'm still shocked I wrote it.
Hop over and check it out.

John Hughes: American Legend

Hit Play

John Hughes is dead. The director/writer of an entire genre of "coming of age" flicks, he was in my opinion a cinematic genius.
16 Candles? The Breakfast Club? Pretty in Pink? Weird Science? Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Home Alone? Uncle Buck? Planes, Trains, and Automobiles? Are you kidding me? If Hughes was a sports hero, he be John Wooden, Michael Jordan, Phil Jackson, Teddy Williams, and Tiger Woods all rolled up in to one.
Move over Spielberg, with career stats like this I'm surprised John Hughes isn't a household name. I get the whole "he never won an Oscar thing"--but guess what? The Bills never won a Super Bowl and they were still the best team in the 90's (and coincidentally also have a cult following).
Just think of all the classic movie lines you and your buddies use on a regular basis just from the John Hughes collection:

"this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented"

"Bueheller? Bueller? Anyone?...."

"I like to keep mine so sharp, you could circumsize a nat. Wait a minute...Nat? Bug? Am I noticing some similarities here?"

"I just wanna know how one becomes a janitor because Andrew here is very interested in pursuing a career in the custodial arts. "

Am I missing any? Post in the Comments section.

Confident Quarterback

I know this dropped a while ago, but I forgot to link it up. Enjoy:

The Confident Quarterback

Training camp is both the most beloved and most dreaded time of the football season. For fans it means the beginning of a new year, with new excitement and new opportunities. Everyone is undefeated, the playing field leveled once again. But for players, it means accepting the inevitability of sleepless nights, sore shoulders and knees and double sessions in the August heat.

For one player on UConn's roster, this training camp holds all the anticipation of the night before Christmas -- with all the excitement AND expectations that go with it.

Read the rest HERE

What are you doing in a month? Figure it out pronto.

I am a terrible planner. I would go so far as to say that I take measures to avoid planning. Thanks to Inside USC with Scott Wolf, I am getting my September 3-7 squared away {Thank you Swedish scheduling gods. A lot of things don't make sense [See a month long break in the middle of the season because the entire country is on holiday.] but an open date on the first weekend of college football does.}. Keep in mind that all times for me are 6 hours later than the listed {Eastern} times.

Take a couple minutes and rough out your viewing plan. Here are the games I'm excited about watching after a quick perusal of the master list {Rooting interests in caps and bold.}:

Thurs, Sept 3
- 7:00 PM South Carolina at North Carolina State, ESPN
- 10:15 PM Oregon at Boise State, ESPN

Sat, Sept 5
- 12:00 PM MINNESOTA at Syracuse, ESPN2
- 3:30 PM Georgia at Oklahoma State, ABC
- 7:00 PM NORTHERN ILLINOIS at Wisconsin, Big Ten Network - Go Huskies.
- 10:00 PM Maryland at California, ESPN2

And for the other Husky fans (UCONN, that is - not the portly clientel, we prefer big-boned.):
- 7:00 PM Connecticut at Ohio, ESPN 360

What's on your visual menu? Only one game per time slot. We have to make this interesting.

The Blind Side, Michael Lewis/Oher, Left Tackle, Thailand

Ok, bear with me on this stream-of-consciousness bing-bang. It makes sense. {At least in my dome.}

Yesterday I saw the trailer for The Blind Side. We should all know by now that Hollywood butchers any book remakes. The books are always better. Always. Watch in horror and save your money come late November.

It has been panned with spot-on precision at Mr. Irrelivant, Hey Jenny Slater and Doc Saturday so I won't pile on. But I'll probably end up watching it at some point. I'd make a terrible revolutionary.

In The Blind Side, virtuoso Michael Lewis discussing the nuances of pro football that have led to left tackles transforming from interchangeable cog to freakishly talented athletic specimens that are paid accordingly.

Last night in practice I played some left tackle. If I was taller, stronger, faster, more athletic - I would be at least fighting for a practice squad spot. Who are we kidding. I'd just be just a bigger awkward person. Anyway through a combination of ruthless technique, fat feet and old shoes, this came to pass:

A new innovation in adidas footwear. The ankle cleat. Nothing is impossible.

Without missing a beat, someone yells, "You get those in Thailand?"
"Nope, but they were probably made there."

Which brings us to tonight's dinner. My brother's last meal out in Stockholm, at Koh Phangan. The building looks like a tiki hut and has a river running along the floorboards. The food was delicious, but it cannot hold a candle to the urinals.

You bet I used the far left one. Chang, yummy. Singha, even more so.

I told you I'd bring it full circle. If you're still reading and thoroughly confused, I apologize profusely. But you're probably used to that.

Just Watch

My dad is a wrestling coach, which may be why I find this more touching, if it's possible.

I was an absolute mess of tears and laughter after watching this. The video made me happy to be alive. Sport is a beautiful thing, and don't let anyone tell you any different.

Your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week

Yeah, I'm officially obsessed and addicted to YouTube (actually, President Obama has coined a new term for this, "unemployed") I noted how awesome these were yesterday, but here I am again with your Fat White Guy Moment Of The Week. 12,000 calorie salad? Game. Set. Match.

"Conquistador of the Calorie...."

SWG (FWG) Seeks Editor, Paycheck

Not sure how to preface this. I hope all the Deadspin guys (commenters) are reading.

I'm off to NYC to take care of a little business. Yes, making writing profitable--and ending my current streak of laughable unemployment. The American dream at it's finest. I was talking with a couple of the guys and all the jabs about my "career" gained some credibility when they pointed out I was yet to "meet" my editor. They must not understand that I operate in a world of anonymity and irresponsibility. But, in order to make this whole thing real, I told Daulerio over at Deadspin I'd swing by and put some ink on paper (metaphorically speaking). That was about four months ago.

No, I had to coax or meeting out of him, like a steady and persistant internet stalker. My own personal "You've Got Mail." Through 10 countries, and distances of 5,000 miles we emailed, updated, and generally avoided eachother. So tomorrow, as I jet set* to the Big Apple I am going to eHarmony the shit out of some employment contract.




*Jet Set = Bolt Bus

Go Ahead, Laugh....You've Earned It

I don't care, these never get old...

"Don't forget the moonlight!"

I got my swim trunks and my flippy-floppies

We took one on the chin this Saturday, losing 28-20, but the bigger story was the continuing saga of Thoughts from a Fat White Guy authors being photographed in Euro-trunks, embarrassing their parents and making finding gainful employment a bit more of a challenge.

The photo in question is at a spa on a Viking cruise line, which was hardly the Bacchanalian free-for-all that I was expecting and dreading. The spa was clutch for post-game decompression with our Swedish cruise master and defensive lineman, Mexican quarterback, and my little brother visiting. Although being hit on by a guy who would have looked a bit more at home in the Raider black hole was an interesting twist. No, I do not 'need any help' in a tiny cold tub, thank you very much. I don't even know what that help would entail, and I would prefer to not think about it.

The cruise experience provided a small sample of the interesting Swedish dichotomy of not talking to anyone outside your particular group while boarding, the first hour, then talking to everyone after everyone had ample time to frequent the tax-free shop. Then the following morning going back to pretending that your group is the only one on the boat. The Swedes are fantastic at pretending that there is nothing going on around them. Until you talk to them, then they are occasionally too friendly. Relate back to above incident.

I did my best to shake off the doldrums the following morning by karaoke-ing {Is that a verb? Is now.} 'Bust a Move'. My brother added to the performance as an unplanned back up dancer and saved me from the rookie mistake of trying to read the words instead of just ignoring the damn teleprompter and letting it fly. The fisherman dance during the intermission may have helped. Or the older Swedish lady trying to slap his ass. Whichever. At least we were fully clothed.

Monday Morning QB: Wake Up With Zach Frazer

Here is a new feature, Monday Morning Quarterback. In the inaugural post, I'm taking the common expression quite literally; an interview with the future of UConn's offense, Zach Frazer. Frazer is stepping into a starting role at QB for the 2009 season, not to mention commanding a new offensive scheme, under the tutelage of Offensive Coordinator Joe Moorehead. With training camp only days away Frazer was kind enough to pause and throw a former teammate some love. So here is 10 questions with UConn's starting QB Zach Frazer:

To be a part of the “Fat White Guy” website is a dream come true. I never
thought I would have a wonderful opportunity to answer questions from
Robert Lunn himself. After having my picture placed on his website of me
at the Notre Dame Basketball game, I thought my “Fat White Guy” career was
over. I figured I fell into the category of one hit wonders, and would
never reach the top again. Well that all changed, I’ve been given a
second chance, a new beginning, a breath of fresh air. This time Rob
gave me a personal interview! Wow! Finally some love from a defensive
lineman.

10 Questions:

1.Days of Thunder or Fast and Furious?
Really? This is the first question
Rob wants me to answer? I thought this was a serious interview. Anyway,
I’m a Fast and Furious guy myself. I couldn’t see myself watching a movie
like Days of Thunder where Tom Cruise attempts to act. I’m not saying
Paul Walker and Vin Diesel are any better; it’s just the poison I choose
to take.

2.How is summer training, and coming out of spring how does the new offense look?Finally! A good question. Summer training has gone very well this year.
The beginning was a little shaky, but the offense progressed to a point
where everyone is ready for camp.

3 Who stood out to you this spring? Who has shined in summer workouts?
A lot of players worked hard this summer. The wide outs, tight ends,
and running backs have all shown improvement in my opinion. Isiah Moore
has been a key WR during the summer. Look for him to make some big plays
during the season.
The defense has also been working hard this summer. The secondary is
getting harder to throw against during 7on7. I’m glad I don’t have to face
them during the season.

4. What is one thing everyone should know about you that they don't.?
Back to the person questions. Rob wants me to say something about cars,
but there is something else everyone should know about me. I love Jersey
Mikes Sub’s! Jersey Mike’s is the best sub shop in the world. I have been
a fan every since junior year in high school, where I ate there every day
after school. I’ve driven 1hr 30min to Providence to get a Jersey Mike’s
sub, had a sub shipped overnight from Kentucky, I’ve even memorized the
entire menu (#9 is my favorite), and have a Jersey Mike’s sub wrapper
hanging on my wall. That last part is a little weird I know, but Jersey
Mike’s is that good!
FWG side note: not weird, just creepy....Norman.

5. What is your opinion of the new offense, what can the fan's expect in'09?
I love the new offense this year! Our fans should expect a fast tempo
offense that will keep the defense guessing on every play. We can have 5
wide outs in one play and then run the ball the next. The games should
provide plenty of excitement for the fans and it will definitely be a
great atmosphere in the Rent this year.

6. Cage match: charlie versus randy, who wins? KO or Submission?
To even come up with the idea of Charlie and Randy in a cage match is very
clever. (I see the UConn education is paying off, Rob) I would expect nothing less from Fat White Guy. It was fun thinking up what would happen if this really came true, but in the end
Randy would win. Not by K.O. Not by submission. By forfeit.

7.On my ipod right now is… People are Crazy by Billy Currington.

8. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
My favorite guilty pleasure has to be McDonalds. It’s so bad and yet so
good.

9.Everyones gonna be asking. Notre dame on the schedule this year.,
what does. A game like that mean to you?
I can’t wait till November 21st at 2:30pm. It’s a game I’ve had marked
on my calendar for a while. To get a chance to play Notre Dame is
wonderful opportunity, but to win against Notre Dame will be a wonderful
experience.

10.Boxers or Briefs? You would want to know that Rob.

FWG side note: I already know the answer

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: Away Game

Sports terminology has made its way into various other aspects of life. It's logical. Sports are popular and easy to translate with competition and the like. One place that you're never really sure if that's alright is in the bedroom. Sure, you may joke around about it with your close friends, aside from 'The Single/Double/Triple' analogy {If you touch 'em all, do you hit for the cycle? Or do they have to be separate instances? Can you even hit for the cycle? Once you try and codify things of this nature there are all sorts of rhetorical crevasses to be dealt with.} nothing has really become mainstream. The Swedes have taken the lead in that category.

Bortamatch - away game. Hemmamatch - home game. Brilliantly simple. They even have little equipment bags for those going into hostile territory looking to pull off a big victory.

Barney Stinson absolutely has to have a hand in the production of these kits. Next question, how do we figure out who is wearing white and color? Is it baseball, where white is at home? Or football, where home {traditionally} wears their color? Or should we just go shirts and skins?

Tomfoolery in the Ice Bar

My not-so-little brother is in Sweden taking in everything that Stockholm has to offer. Which of course meant a trip to the Ice Bar {Something that I have yet to visit in my time here.}. It's a tiny room and it's, well, cold. That doesn't mean that it needs to be boring.

We had the lady at the front door convinced that we were serious about wanting to go into the bar sans shirt. "Um, no, you have to wear the pancho." Two minutes later we let on that there was no way we were going in without the coverall/little-kid-glove-clip combo. During a mixed drink in an ice cup, we decided to do what all good Wisconsin lads should do. Construct an ice-a-mid with the empties laying about.


And why not? With some help from some gentleman in town for the Pride festival, we completed our alcoholic tribute to the pharoahs and forced labor before we lost feeling in our fingers.

I Just Watched Footloose

I have had quite a few "movie confessions" on this blog, since this whole thing started. Reid over at USA Today even got me to admit that I liked romantic comedies. Guilty as charged.
But today, flipping through the movie channels I came across Footloose. I'm not sure if it is Kevin Bacon's asexual dance moves or the skin-tight Levi jeans--but kudos to 80's dance moves.
And what about that dynamite dialogue:
"...what about the police, you know em?"
"Yeah"
"Sting?"
"No, the ones behind you"
(...enter aviator-clad officer)
Instant gold! How this didn't take the Oscar for best picture in 1984 I'll never know.
Not to mention the whole "learning to dance" montage:

Well done. Well done.
He drives a VW Beetle, he will play his music as loud as he wants, and he will dance in grain-silos all night long. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try and stop him.

Channel Your "Inner-Lance"

Ever notice how sweet the logos on this site are. Even more, ever think how great you'd look wearing one of the FWG T-Shirts. Well, don't thank me---thank Johanna Denapoli. She did the all the designing and now she needs your help.

Jo is riding in the 30th aniversity of the Pan-Mass Challenge (PMC). I'd like to spit a lot of statistics about riding and bikes (Yeah, she's riding a Gary Fisher, with a Shimano 105 group) but the bottom line is that its a good cause and I think with things going the way they are in the world we could all use a little help.

Take your time, click the links, and enjoy you day.

The T.O. Show

Yes it is 12:00 on a Tuesday. My semi-unemployment has me watching day time VH1 (remember when their used to be music....and of course, POP-UP VIDEOS). What could be be better than a show about my favorite football team, in a town 45 minutes west of me.

Wrong, wrong.

Crap, total crap. I'd rather watch Flava-Flav or Scott Baio. Heidi and Spencer on The Hills had more genuine acting than this. I love the Bills, but if a decade without a playoff birth didn't push me over the edge, this just might. I'm warning you, Terrell...do not break my slightly oversized heart.

Final Thoughts:

Thoughts From A Fat White Guy would like to give it's official endorsement to "More To Love" the genius minds at Fox have developed a reality show for plus sized women. I'm down with this. It's The Bachelor meets Old Country Buffet. Well done America.

I'm going to Bills training camp this week, I'll let you know how that works out.

Enter the Meat Grinder

Minnesota is jacking up the level of competition in the years to come. According to ESPN's Adam Rittenberg they are looking to add Texas to a post-2009 slate that includes USC, Colorado and Oregon State after an already challenging 2009 schedule. Coach Tim Brewster ain't scurred:

The schedule is extremely challenging, but that's to my liking. I love the fact that we're playing Air Force, we're playing Cal, we're playing Syracuse. We're playing some really good football teams. Somebody said that we had the fifth most challenging schedule in America, and I like that. I think it's a good thing.

Missing Indiana and Michigan during the conference schedule in 2009 helps the strength of schedule but eliminates two very winnable games. And going big seems to be helping recruiting:

But from a recruit's perspective, I think that's what they want. When I talk to recruits on the phone, they say, Hey, coach, who are you playing in the nonconference schedule? They want to know. When I say, We're playing USC, you can sense an excitement in a young man's voice. Kids want to play in marquee nationally televised games.

To be honest with you, I want the University of Minnesota to be on that stage. I want to play nationally televised games where a tremendous exposure is put on our program. And when you play USC, that happens.

We're going to play some other teams also that are going to give us exposure. I don't think there's a downside. I really don't. We're an ascending program the way I look at our program. We're going to keep getting better. We'll be up to the challenge of playing the type of schedules that we're going to play at Minnesota through the next couple of years.

The added hypothetical exposure will be beneficial, but only with wins and bowl games. The big name teams seem to be offset by the standard BCS cupcake menu. Other schools currently on the docket from 2010-2015 are South Dakota, North Dakota State, Syracuse {Also the opening game of the '09 season.}, San Jose State, UNLV, Western Illinois, Miami of Ohio, South Dakota State and Ohio {www.gophersports.com}. Naturally this is incredibly premature and open to an abundance of change. They could conceivably play none of these teams if a school with a bigger checkbook comes calling. A lot of scheduling comes down to the strength of a school and the luck of hitting big name teams on a down swing and avoiding mid-majors on an uptick.

The final result will be interesting to see, but it will be difficult to ignore Minnesota scheduling big name teams from out of the conference. Although it will be a meat grinder, we'll borrow words of wisdom from Wedding Crashers: Rule #76. No excuses. Play like a champion.

Irish Sport: Hurling

The stereotypical Irish jokes write themselves with the name of a national sport being hurling. But the great majority of utterly wasted folks in pubs were foreigners. But hurling has absolutely nothing to do with drinking.

The sport of hurling is something that cannot be explained and be fully grasped, it must be watched. I attempted to summarize it but check out DJ Carey {The Michael Jordan of hurling, or so I was told by some hurlers in Kilkenny.} and some other youtube hurling clips after the intro videos below:

Oh yeah, they don't get paid a dime for playing. They can do endorsements and that's it. It goes against all American ideals {Do something. Get paid.}, but it's admirable nonetheless. Hurlers have full time jobs and then train/play 40 hours a week at the highest level. Absolutely insane. There is also a women's league, but it's less popular, and the sport is called camogie. The money made by the GAA {Governing body of Gaelic sports} goes into development for the sport as well as cultural and community development. Hurling and Gaelic football {future post} were outlawed by the British in the early 20th century but continued to be played and resulted in the first Bloody Sunday at Croke Park {Which was fittingly the site of a major step to healing.}.

And one more odd rule that I can't wrap my head around is that the third guy in a fight will get sent off. Two guys can scrap a bit and it's cool, but even if the third man comes in to intercede peacefully, he gets punished. The thought process I guess is if you don't have a third in the fray, there will be no fourth, etc. {Clarified by Emmet in the comments.}

Guess that's a solid rule when you're having a few beverages to avoid doing some hurling of your own. But as wise Irishman Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself." So that's what I'm-a going to do.

*If you came here for American football and are still reading, Notre Dame beat Navy 54-27 at Croke Park in 1996 and will return in 2012.